This is my first shot at poetry. I was visiting my cousin who is always grounded, like everyday. And this came up. I just wanted to post it seeing if it was any good. I really don't know much about poetry, so yeah.
Grounded.
Everyday I'm in my room,
Everyday I hit the on snooze,
Everyday I go to school,
Everyday I don't know what to do.
It's always go to your room,
Go to detention or the office,
Go leave is what I want to do.
I hate my parents,
I hate my school,
I hate my sisters,
I hate the rules.
I sit in my room bored to tears,
Every night I think about all my peers,
Wondering why, oh why,
Do they hate me so dear.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Grounded.
Everyday I'm in my room,
Everyday I hit the
onsnooze,Everyday I go to school,
Everyday I don't know what to do.
In my opinion the on wasn't needed
It's always go to your room,
Go to detention
or,the office,Go leave is what I want to do. This part bugged me for some reason
I hate my parents,
I hate my school,
I hate my sisters,
I hate the rules.
I sit in my room bored to tears,
Every night I think about all my peers,
Wondering why, oh why,
Do they hate me so dear. This part as well
Beside that, this is a great poem! Great flow to it. Keep writing *Clicks like one-million times over*
I love love love this! I like the first line, it makes you seem like you're annoyed and fed up.
I didn't think this flowed as well as the rest of the poem. I think there's too many words in the lines or something, not quite sure what it is but it just doesn't flow..
I love the short sentences on this stanza too
I like this one.. but I don't get it, it sounds like you mean your peers hate you or is that what you actually mean? :S
Overall it's a good poem, well done to say it's your first try
SUGGESTIONS:
Rephrase every line in this stanza where the word "everyday" is being use repetitively. You can say it in the different way still the message you want to relay will remain as is.
In this paragraph, you can put quotation marks here referring to your parents that told you that you're grounded. Try to change this.
This part, I find it okay.
This is also nice or you could allocate this last stanza leaving a question like "Why do they hate me so badly?" It will leave an impact in ones mind if you will end it as a question.
The poem is ok, but could be lots better, its too repetetive and typical of what many would expect from a teenager, the over use of hate is too common and typical with teenagers. The poems ok but has no direction and is to repetetive for me. Instead of hating why don't you confront and find out, and question, then you'll have the answers and more to expand and improve your poem.
That was a really good poem. I have no advice to give you. Just to tell you that you were excellent with writing this poem. Great job and keep writing.
Phoenix lands for a review.
Don't think the on is necessary. Just hit the snooze
Everyday I go to school,
Everyday I don't know what to do.
Indicate who's saying this. One line would suffice. Like "Adults are all the same. . .
The phrasing is a bit awkward.
I think you can space these out in the poem.
.
I like this end.
Hope this helped. Pm me if I need to explain anything.
As a poem it is somewhat easy to tell that you're new to this but that only leads to improvement in the end. We wrote these types of poems back when I learned to write poems and one thing that helps them along is only writing the repeated words once and then the rest of the list does not necessarily need the repeated words. This would simplify your poem and make it less repetitive.
Next, I would like to see you try the poem again but instead of writing about how she hates being grounded, write about why she hates it, such as the loneliness or the longing to go out and play. This will allow readers to connect with the poem better.
Interesting.
To be honest, this sounded like more of a teenage angst poem than anything else. "I hate this, I hate that, etc." It just makes you sound like yet another teenager who is currently fighting a losing battle against the world. I don't think it's completely hopeless, but give it some thought, some emotion that makes us sympathize with you.
I like it. It sounds, or at least how I read it, angry. Anger is cool, or at least it is to me.
Why do you think about your pears while you're grounded? I mean, if I was grounded, I might end up thinking about fruits such as pears, but I wouldn't put it in a poem about being grounded.
I don't know why, but this part just sort of aggravated me. It just didn't sound right in my head or something. My brain rejected it, but my brain's a bit retarded, so I wouldn't listen to it too often.
Other than those two things I pointed out, I really like the poem. You should continue experimenting with poetry, and maybe one day, you'll feel more confident in your poetic abilities and make even better poems!
-Emily