Published June 17, 2011
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Hi
I admire the emotion you portray in this poem. It may not be very well written, but I can definitely relate to the emotion in this, so you have half of the cake!
As far as the actual writing goes, it feels very bland and obvious. It doesn't show me anything, really. It darts back and forth between different things you're complaining about and they contradict each other a bit.
For example:
However, I do like it because of the emotion I referred to before. It's incredibly powerful and there's insane imagery here.
These are the two most influential stanzas in your poem. They give the most to your poem. Try to change the other stanzas like these two.
Hope I helped!
-B
Wow, I really feel this poem. I have felt like this many times, and in fact, still do. This did an excellent job of conveying the feelings of an unloved teen. Excellent job!
I quite enjoyed this! For it being one of your first poems, congrats
It's a very good start. I can definitely feel the emotion you're trying to convey, and I have to say it's a very accurate emotion for adolescents in the age group you're describing. I remember those days..very tough indeed. You certainly summed up the rough patches involved with growing up. The part that really hit home was the very end, "I need someone to talk to. Not just a pen to write my thoughts on paper." I write in a journal whenever things get rough, and sometimes that's not enough.
But anyway! Enough of myself!
Above all, I enjoyed the easy quality it was to read, yet I could still understand and feel your message you put through for your audience.
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.
One review, as requested!
I love the raw emotion. I totally get what you are trying to say, and I think it's very relate-able. I wouldn't really consider this lyric poetry, because there isn't much of a flow - almost bordering on short story sounding - so I think the placement is a little off-putting. The biggest issue I would like to bring up would be the flow: it doesn't really flow like a poem. Usually in a poem all of the words fit together in a certain way, and I didn't really see that here. Some of the sentences were long, some of them short, and the stanzas varied in size. I think you should try reading song lyrics and other lyric poetry, to get a better sense of how everything fits together. Read your poetry aloud. Hearing something out loud makes it much easier to figure out where it sounds weak and awkward. The very last line is a little long compared to the rest of the poem - can you find a way to say it in fewer words? - and the second line - 'When I talk people assume' - is a little strange sounding and confusing, - can you say that in maybe two words instead of one?
Hope this helps!
Love, Sierra
This is a really good poem. I like the format and it flows very nicely. And I could also relate. I think every young writer can relate to this in some way (especially the girls about the last part, haha). Because you don't mind nitpicks and because I don't think this is long enough for a review yet
I will say one thing.
This is kind of a long line that makes the flow a bit off.
But even if you don't change that, it's still a very nice poem. Keep writing!