The gritted teeth
The awkward glares
The angry threats
The countless nightmares
The fake laughs
The playing along
The watching in
The staying strong
The silent whispers
The invisible tear
The fading bruise
The eyeliner smear
The exchanged glances
The missed chances
The buts and why's
The wasted tries
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
I really loved some of the lines in here, the ideas that you had and the pictures that they made in my mind. It was well thought out!
The only critisism i might have is maybe for you to expand the poem a little - each line is very intresting and opens up oportunisties for you to grow on, and i say go for it! Think about each line and write it it's own stanza! Really go for it, and i know it will be great!
That's just my opinion. I'm not so bothered by the "the"'s, although they probably wouldn't cause such a ruckus among readers (as they seem to have done from looking at the above comments) if you made a little more of a gap with words in between each one.
Really, it's a good poem with some excellent ideas in it that would each merit their own poem, ultimately!
Best of luck with later stuff! ^^
This is a verry intriguing piece
I agree too many "The"'s but its still good... I like how its normal feelings that almost everyone can relate to too...
I agree that there are too many The's, but it's understandable, trust me, I do it sometimes as well. But over all I liked it, needs some work, but it's good.
Pretty good.
Some of it sounded like it didn't flow very well. Too many syllables at some parts, I think. Read it aloud and see if you can make some changes. I agree also that two many 'thes' gets pretty boring. See if you can change some things.
~Jamie
This isn't a peom rather a list of ideas. Which you never even begin to use. Plus the constant repetition of 'the' that's horrible. Poetry has repetition, yes sometimes. But you've just given us words and dictacted it to us. Way too much telling. You use no langauge techniques. Now to add there is no punctuation how we supposed to know how this flows? The rhyming seems very immature and forced. Now, more, it's a 'poor me' and navelgazing poem telling us all of your problems but not letting us feel. These poems are never much recommended. Overall: You should concentrate on one of these in each stanza and develope the idea possibly read more poetry. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
I liked it.
I like the rhyming, it really went well.
It speaks of me too.
I try to hide what I feel as much as possible even though I know it is killing me.
Great job!