Published May 7, 2008
This was just supposed to be about general fear. But seemed to evolve so that it reads like it's about abuse or something..
Not too sure..
You creep up on me unexpectedly.
Make my stomach lurch with dread
so that I can't sleep at night.
You make me want to scream with agony,
but you know I won't.
Hopes and dreams are protected by my silence.
You force me to do things
that would never have crossed my mind
if you hadn't taken control.
You changed me for the worse.
I became weak, helpless and alone.
All because I couldn't escape.
You always come back
Just like that reccurring nightmare.
And so I'll always hide.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
first off im going to give praise where praise is due
. to me it was a nice poem, that could become great, your writing style and the poem itself show alot of potential. just expand on it (personally,to do this i like to print out my work and pick through it one line at a time), you see you leave the reader hanging abruptly at the end of each stanza,but that may have been intended (i cant see into your mind 
). but dont ever give up you personified fear in its darkest forms and your main theme stands out. it just needs a bit of tweaking. look above my post, your reviews have been generous and full of helpful tidbits. good luck, i hope to be reading more of work soon 
~"only in the darkness can we fear the light".... really who writes this mumbo jumbo anyway?~
I found this poem did reflect fear very well, but it also portrayed some type of abuse. It's short, and as others have said it would be good to expand it.
My favorite line in the whole thing:
That line just really grabbed my attention. Maybe expand on that line in another stanza...I don't know why but that line just stands out.
It's kind of jumbled and scattered. I enjoyed the beginning but like some have said already..
You could expand it with a few more stanzas.
It's kind of choppy and you could definatly smooth it out with some work.
Over-all, it was alright.
Goodluck! ^^
"You make me want to scream with agony,
but you know I won't."
Definitely my favorite part of this piece. I love the subtely of it. Reminds me of a metallica song, were you perhaps listening to them when you wrote this? I might be totally off but, still wondering. Other than that, you did well to push your emotion through the words and form a nice structure. Well done!
I've just come back to this poem and have quickly looked over it and added a few bit and changed some other points.
Any more suggestions?
Are my new stanzas quite weak?
I'm not sure about them, but I'm just trying to get a rough guide of where I want the poem to go..
Still you edited it, and still you keep it sounding the same: jumbled and all.
It still think that it could use some more work, and with that, you could make it the perfect poem that you've always wanted!
shanan-cat! Leer!
A well thought out poem i suppose well it was exceptionally good.It definetely made me wonder for a while i mean the poem created a scene in my head and it was a soulful piece of writng just one thing do add a few more stanza's and voila!
This is a really weak poem, no offense. You tell the reader everything and there isn't a smooth transition from each stanza to the next one.
I agree with deafwriter_19. You do have great personification of fear. However, you do need a better word than 'pain.'
Try
- agony
- anguish
- torture
- suffering
Because 'pain' is too vague and too overused.
Synopsis:
- Find a better word for 'pain'
- Work on showing a little more than telling
- Try to make better transitions to each stanza
- Make your last stanza the most powerful one.
Hope this helps and sorry for sounding so harsh,
Summerless <3~
Although this does sound like abuse in a way, it's mostly because of your word choice in the second verse.
"You want to make me scream with pain." Find a thesauraus and replace 'pain' with another word that is related to fear or fright, etc. Also 'scream' is a bit drastic, so replace that with 'gasp', 'shiver', etc.
I liked your personification of fear and how it affects the protaganist. I have some of the stuff mentioned too.
Grade: C+
I think it needs to be a bit longer, or you at least need to change it a bit. Right now it's sort of jumbled and it's not going anywhere. If you added more detail or description to the stanzas, it would definately become better and help clarify it more for the reader.
Three! Count them! Three! And ther's probably more out there! I suppose it's because fear is so iconic.I did an essay on that last year.
I love the first two stanzas. Particularly the sec ond one, and the line
Awesome.
The third stanza leaves me cold though.It dissapates, if that makes any sense. I think it's the line about the bedsheets. Change that and you hace yourself a grat poem.
Cheers!
I'm really sorry to tell you this, but... um... it's not very good.
Your poem doesn't have very good flow, and it didn't reallt catch too much of my attention. Sorry...
Maybe you can work on this a little more?
Then re-post it or something. That would be good.
Well tell me what you think!
Tootles!
shanan-cat!
Haha, I find it rather diffficult to review this, because yesterday I posted a poem with exactly same title and subject. The contents and the way it's written are different, though.
But overall this was nice, literally. Nothing more, nothing less. I think you could make it better by expanding it and writing more stanzas.
I liked this line: "Hopes and dreams are protected by my silence."
Keep writing.
Best wishes from
Demeter
Reoccuring should be recurring
This is a nice little poem, but I wasn't too sure where it's going either. I think you should expand it, write a couple more stanzas in the middle. But in a way it's good, because the 'fear' is left up to the reader's interpretation. It's up to you really, what you want to do with this =D