Love Song

...bore into my dull dark brown, almost black, eyes.

She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.

She wore no makeup. She had this sort of natural beauty to her.

putting our Highschool's mascara wearing girl's population to embarassment.

Without a second thought, I walked over to her,

"No, Mr. Jonathon Grader,..."

I was flabbergasted. How could I have not seen her in all these years ?

She had on dark skinny jeans, and a black shirt with "Gun's N Rose's" written across it. I couldn't help but smirk,

Prologue

I stared into his ocean blue eyes, the a pair unlike any on earth.
I loved his eyes, they were the picture of gorgeous. You could walk around, and see people with blue eyes, but they didn't have his eyes. I had to read this twice to understand - the wording is a little jumbled. Try something like "It is not unusual to see people with blue eyes, but his were different" perhaps?
His eyes were completely and utterly a heart piercing sky blue.
His eyes, the same eyes, that would have melted me into a hopeless puddle onto the ground, ten years ago, bore into my dull dark brown, almost black eyes.
I could see my face, as I looked into his pupils,my face staring back at me.
"So we meet again." He whispered, his breath hitting against my skin with a small amount of force, barely noticeable. I don't think you need that bit, it's a little over explanatory
I reply, my throat dry, giving away my nervous wreck of a self, "Yes. So we meet...again."

•••


Chapter 1
"And they tell me to breathe easy for a while."

Jonathon

The first time I saw her, I couldn't stop looking.
She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.
She wore no make up, she had this sort of natural beauty to her.
Her eyelashes were thick and luscious, putting our Highschool's 'mascara wearing' girl's population to embarassment shame.
Her eyes were a dark chocolate brown, so easy to get lost into, as if you were floating in space itself.
And her skin, smooth and silky, enough to give me a strong urgency of wanting to go up to her, and place my hand on her cheek.
Without a second thought I walked over to her, my mind already racing with clever ways to introduce myself to this beauty.
"Why, hello there. Are you new ?" I asked her, as she turned around to face me.
She gave me a look and replied haughtily, "No Mr. Jonathon Grader, I have been in the same school as you for the past three years."
I was flabbergasted, how could I have not seen her in all these years ? But than again, the way she dressed, showed she was not the one type to hang out with my crowd.
She had on dark skinny jeans, and a black shirt with "Gun's N Rose's" written across it. I couldn't help but smirk, at the thought of her wearing a mini skirt, and tank top like most of the girls in our school wore.
Without saying another word, she faced turnedher back toward me, and walked away.
She's was going to be a tough one, but that's okay - I like them hard to get a challenge?.[/quote]


Overall I thought it was really good! I love authors who describe everything in detail because to me that's what writing is all about! I am really impressed and I don't want you to take any offence by this but I genuinely thought you were older than you are and would love my younger sister to write like you do, it's really impressive. I changed a few spelling errors but I did leave some as I wasn't sure if they were American spellings, I also changed the wording of some sentences but that's obviously up to you if you want to change them

Overall, I liked it. It's quaint and lovely. I'd definately read more. My critiquing is in red.

JustDance=] wrote:
Prologue

I stared into his ocean blue eyes, the (I would put 'a pair', instead of 'the pair') pair unlike any on earth.
I loved his eyes, they were the picture of gorgeous. You could walk around, and see people with blue eyes, but they didn't have his eyes. I feel you use the word 'eyes' too much. Maybe 'you could walk around and see people with other shades of blue, but they weren't the same as his. Also you don't need the comma after 'walk around'.
His eyes were completley and utterly a heart piercing sky blue.
His eyes, the same eyes, (again, you use 'eyes' too much. His eyes, the exact ones - without the comma!) that would have melt me into a hopeless puddle onto the ground, ten years ago, bore into my dull dark brown, almost black eyes.
I could see my face, as I looked into his pupils, my face staring back at me.
"So we meet again." He whispered, his breath hitting against my skin, with a small amount of force, barely noticeable.
I reply, my throat dry, giving away my nervous wreck of a self, "Yes. So we meet...again."

•••


Chapter 1
"And they tell me to breathe easy for a while."

Jonathon (In italics, so we know its from his perspective)

The first time I saw her, I couldn't stop looking.
She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.
She wore no makeup, she had this sort of natural beauty to her.
Her eyelashes were thick and lucicious, putting our Highschool's mascara wearing girl's (no tick needed there) population to embarassment.
Her eyes were a dark chocolate brown, so easy to get lost into, as if you were floating in space itself.
And her skin, smooth and silky, (how does he know it is smooth aand silky if he's only just met her? 'And her skin looked smooth and silky to touch,) enough to give me a strong urgency of wanting to go up to her, and place my hand on her cheek.
Without a second thought I walked over to her, my mind already racing with clever ways to introduce myself to this beauty.
"Why, hello there. Are you new ?" I asked her, as she turned around to face me.
She gave me a look and replied haughtly, "No Mr. Jonathon Grader, I have been in the same school as you for the past three years."
I was flabbergasted, how could I have not seen her in all these years ? But than again, the way she dressed, showed she was not the one to hang out with my crowd.
She had on dark skinny jeans, and a black shirt with "Gun's N Rose's" written across it. I couldn't help but smirk, at the thought of her wearing a mini skirt, and tanktop like most of the girls in our school wore.
Without saying another word, she faced her back toward me, and walked away.
She's (If you are using She's, then you don't need the added was. I like it as 'She was going to be a tough one) was going to be a tough one, but that's okay.
I like them hard to get.

Hi JD! Kat's here for a review, as promised.

1. Details!

Prologue

I loved his eyes, they were the picture of gorgeous.

You could walk around, and see people with blue eyes, but they didn't have his eyes.

"So we meet again." He whispered,

She was utter perfection, everything about her was just so perfect.

"No Mr. Jonathon Grader, I have been in the same school as you for the past three years."

I was flabbergasted, how could

Without saying another word, she faced her back toward me, and walked away.