[pre] I hear it everyday...on the news, in the paper, and even from friends and family. I try to forget it all, but the constant reminder of it as a woodpecker pounding it into my head, keeps bringing it all back. I always wonder if what I've been told is the truth and facts or are they all just lies. I go outside each day and see it's evidence, but I still can't comprehend it.
Scientific data and geological theory states that if the Earth's axis tilted even one-thousandth of a centimeter or whatever, we would go into a world-wide disaster. It states that we would either freeze to death or burn to death...theoretically. But with our world, everything that's happening is caused by one thing, us. Nothing else is to blame, but us. This has nothing to do with animals, or the ozone layer, or anything else. Its because we have failed to do our job to take care of our Earth, and now we're paying for it.
But like I said, I think all this is a bunch of "flim-flam". I don't really believe in all of this...not one bit. I think that the government has cooked up another bogus conspiracy to get everybody freaked out and all hyper. One thing I do know...is that everything we are doing is going to build up at one point, and something is going to happen. I'm not sure what it is, but It's coming.[/pre]
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay well for starters that title certainly drags you in pretty fast there with how that's going. Its certainly a very powerful one that seems to suggest some pretty strong horrors. This opening paragraph does seem to hint at that. Its not nearly as powerful as you might expect given that title, but it does enough to catch your interest here with some intriguing mentions there.
Alright well that one is pretty predictable there, these apocalypse scenarios in these types of stories are almost exclusively because humans are just really bad at the whole taking care of the planet thing. No surprises on that front, although I am wondering where exactly this is headed. There seems to be quite an ominous moment up ahead and I am loving that slight build of tension here.
Ooooh loving the vibes there towards the end. As cliche as it is to do the old something horrible this way comes situation, you can't ever deny how effective it happens to be, so this is a pretty solid ending and I think on the whole this prologue does its job quite well here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I'm a firm believer in global warming, but as oneeyedunicornhunter said, not everything that happens to the planet is caused by humans.
Onto the actual review...
Literature, like poetry, must flow, and be smooth enough for the reader to read easily. This, unfortunately, wasn't smooth, nor did it flow. What ends up happening, is that the reader will have to reread a section over two or three times, before they can follow along. That's not good. You want the reader to be able to read through the passage with no apparent difficulty.
I get the feeling that this was meant as an intro, to familiarize the reader with the science of global warming. If this is the case, then you have to be more scientific. You need to sound like you've done your homework, and know exactly what you are talking about, down to the smallest detail. I didn't get that feeling from this passage. It seemed like you had a rudimentary knowledge of global warming, mainly from what you've seen on television, but you didn't go any farther. If this was meant as an informative passage, I must say that is wasn't very informative. I suggest doing some major research before the next rewrite.
On the lighter side, I liked the woodpecker analogy.
Keep at it. Better luck next time.
Cheers,
Pros
Hi, I liked how u set up the backstory for ur main characters who ever they are... I liked the way u fit in current news, if it is, abt global warming, I liked the "woodpecker pounding in my head simile/analogy. Basically I like it.
Don't set this in all in 'pre' font. When you posted, you must've clicked 'Pre'. Don't and the font won't be like that.
-Jared
Ok as you see in my chapter 1, there are some grammatical errors that you have stated and thats fine. I think I am going to change this up a bit. Instead of this being my chapter 1, I will change this to my prologue. Sry for the inconvienence. Its just when I wrote it, I had about 2 pages. So if this part of the story (prologue) dosen't tell you alot, thats the point. I don't want to give everything away all at one time. I want to spread it out a bit.
Thanks for the (constructive) critism, I really appreciate it.
PS: Can anyone tell me how to change the font?
Hello And welcome to YWS
This is intriguing and well written.
But please change your font, its hard to focus on what you've written with this font.
I agree with the review above me that not EVERYTHING is because of us. We could be hit by meteoroids and that wouldn't be our fault.
Maybe you meant to say something else. You were rather vague. Maybe you should prolong this and give more explanations.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
well, my attention was grabbed and you didn't bore me, so as far as that goes it's all good. you had some grammatical errors, but if you went back i'm sure you'd find them. but i guess if you asked nicely i'd point them out
but this bothered me and made me want to stop and reprimand the writer: "...everything that's happening is caused by one thing, us. Nothing else is to blame, but us. This has nothing to do with animals, or the ozone layer, or anything else. Its because we have failed to do our job to take care of our Earth, and now we're paying for it."
i'm sorry, but there are so many things wrong with this...NOT everything on earth happens because of humans(not even close to everything). disaster has and most likely will hit earth again eventually no matter what we do. and the earth does NOT need to be taken care of. nobody's taken care of it for billions of years, and it's still going.
*takes deep breath*. okay. rant over.
Hey there, JuniorLegacy, and welcome to YWS! Like Sythe said, the Rules require you to do two reviews of other people's work before you post your own.
rules.php
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, and welcome again!
Hey. I'm supposed to do a couple reviews before I can post anything, so here I go.
I hear it everyday...on the news, in the paper, and even from friends and family.
This is a good opening sentence. It hooks, or grabs, the readers attention. Nice. Although, remember to put a space after you use an elips. (...)
This is really good; but also really short. If this is just a prologue, I commend you. I really want to know what is going on. Why is the Earth going to fail? How?
Awesome. A bit short, but it's short and to the point. Nicely done.
:Sythe: