z

Young Writers Society



Title: Chapter One

by Junel


It approaches closer and closer. I consider running, but what will be the point? I hold my breath continuing to hope. The leaves crunch loudly, but without pattern like it's trying to hide it sound, like an experienced hunter. I jump at the sound of some wolves howling in the distance. I push my back against the tree more. The sound of the approaching creature feels as deafening as the air is cold. I don’t look around the tree, but just hope it turns away.But it doesn’t it only gets closer and louder. I can’t wait any longer.

I jump to my feet trying to run, but my pant leg catches on a stick pulling me back and to the ground. I scream on my way down the scraps of leaves and foliage giving no cushioning to my body.

I can feel a pain beginning in my ankle, I must have twisted it. I sit up pushing myself onto my legs, the pain is sharp and brings tears to my eyes, but I push on trying to run again. The creature is running too now, but even hurt I’m fast.

I focus on each step feeling my foot leave and return to the ground. The air rushes against my face pushing my hair back behind me, but the cold feels good now. The pain of my ankle in each step pushes me to continue, giving me a reason to never stop. I begin to zigzag between the trees crazier in hope of losing the creature. I take in deep breath after breath, but I seem to be getting too much air and I push harder gaining more speed.

The sounds from behind me are blocked out by my mind, completely focused on the task at hand. I have always loved running, the rush it gives me can’t be compared to anything else. I remember when I tried to run with someone else, but that didn’t end well. As I begin to focus on this my mind fogs and I lose my concentration. In this moment I step funny feeling pain shoot up through my leg I stop only for a second before beginning to run again, but this was enough.

I catch a glimpse of the shadow just as it pounces, pushing me to the ground. I wriggle uncontrollably trying to free myself, but it holds tight.

“Hey, stop!” It says the voice deep and masculine. In surprise I do, but only momentarily feeling his grip loosen I quickly get out and stand pushing him back to the ground as he tries to grab a hold of me. I run a few yards before turning to face the man once again.

What I see is weird. As the man gets back onto his feet, I get a clear view of his clothing, shining under a small spot of light shining through the trees above. He wears chainmail armor and what seems to be a sword lays at his side. This isn’t normal, why would someone dress so strange and then wander through the wood? But as I begin to think of why my thoughts become confused again and I lose the ability to continue.

A loud sound comes from the right and both of us turn towards it. A large shadow approaches fast. I am ready to run again when I hear a man call out,

“What was it?” the voice is deep like the one who tackled me, but it seems younger.

“A girl sir.” the man who tackled me calls back

“A girl?” the mysterious one's questions as he comes into view, riding a horse and just as strangely dressed. He dismounts and approaches his friend, looking at me as he does.

“She’s injured, fell when she began to run, but still she’s fast was way ahead of me until she slipped again.” The first one says, I notice his breathing is uneven and heavy, I tired him out.

“Why’d she run?” the second man asks as if I’m not here.

“I don’t know. She..” the other begins, but I interrupt him.

“Why don’t you just ask me?” They jump as I speak and I laugh. “What? You forget I was here.” I say laughing more. The second man turns toward me, he laughs quietly, amused by me. He begins to walk in my direction. “Stop,” I command and he does, but he seems surprised like the idea of being commanded is strange to him.

“I mean you no harm.” he says sincere enough, but I shouldn’t trust some random guy who I meet in the woods.

“Then why’d you chase me?”

“You ran.”

“You snuck up on me, scared me”

“We were hunting, I wouldn’t just shout out in case a random girl was around. Why are you in these woods anyhow?”

“I was.. I” I feel the memory and reason in the back of my mind, but as I push to learn more it slips farther and farther away from me until it is completely gone leaving me empty and clueless. “I don’t know.” I finally finish

“You must know, you can’t have just wandered here unwillingly…” he begins to ramble, but I just try even harder to remember anything and each time I think of anything about myself or my life that isn’t simple it just slips away from me. My head begins to pound from all the hard work and thinking, but I don’t stop I continue. I feel like I’m getting somewhere when the pain intensifies to an unignorable point. I scream out in pain and fall onto the ground

“Miss are you ok?” he calls out running towards me as I focus in on him the pain begins to subside quickly.

“Yes, fine,” I say once he reaches me. I push myself up again and not accepting his outreached hand.

“What happened? Are you sure you're okay?” he asks questioning me

“Of course,” I say, but unintentionally lift my hand to my head from the small pain left. He turns away from me speaking to the other one.

“Thomas, I’m taking her back to the castle right now. Find your horse and follow.”

“Yes sir.” he says running off back in the direction of where this all began.

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” I state backing away from the one left.

“Miss, I am not going to wait and negotiate this.” he says before closing the gap between us and grabbing lifting me off the ground and tossing me over his shoulder as he begins to carry me towards his horse.

“Let me go!!!” I scream trying to kick and hit him, but nothing seems to loosen his grip, he is strong. I stop giving up “Fine, have it your way I’ll come with you, just put me down.” I say intending to trick him into letting me go, but he stays silent and doesn’t drop me. By this point we have reached his horse.

“You are coming with me and that is final,” he states lowering me onto the ground, but he holds onto my arms strongly. “You could cooperate and make this easier for both of us or you could not and I could tie you up for your own sake. Its your choice.”

I don’t speak, I can’t cooperate, I won’t. Like all parents mine always told little me don’t talk to strangers, and even if I’m older now I shouldn’t forget this. If only my parents were here now. I’m so confused. I miss them and little May and it's only…

Instantly I feel as if someone has hit me in the head with a huge boulder hundreds of times. I don’t realize that I’m screaming until I am on the ground. The man is trying to say something, but I can’t focus on anything, but the pain. I feel like I’m dying. The world becomes silenced and the night’s darkness takes over, only the pain remains. This is when I finally pass out.

I sit up in my bed, terrified from the nightmare. My room is pitch black, it must be the middle of the night. I shiver slightly, I have no covers over me, I must have kicked them off. I step off the bed in hopes of finding them, when my entire world falls to pieces.

Instead of the soft carpet that I normally find my feet land on something, colder, rougher, and harder almost like stone. For the third time this night I begin screaming, not from pain, but complete and absolute terror.

Only moments later, a door I hadn’t seen in the dark opens up in front of me. A short man, dressed in what I can only describe as rags enters. He comes towards me trying to stop the screaming, but my hysteria only increases. I swing my arms at him to keep his distance, my voice only becoming louder with tears streaming down my face.

I don’t know how long this continues, but my voice is dying. I fall to the ground in a ball, still crying. Things seem to be happening around me. I take a couple deep breaths to calm, myself before trying to see what it is. The small man stands outside the door speaking to someone I can not see. I breathe in a few more times and try to focus on what he is saying.

“I don’t think she was awake very long before it began.” His voice is surprisingly calm, I wouldn’t be if I was him. Maybe he’s seen a lot of crazy girls.

“May I go in?” Some other person responds, their voice is familiar. Was that dream real?

The short man begins to turn to look at me, I duck my head so he doesn’t know I was listening.

“I think that would be ok.” he says, I hear his footsteps as he moves away to let the other man in.

“Miss.” I jump slightly as the man from earlier speaks, but don’t look up. “Are you ok?”

WHAT! How dare he! Instantly my fear transitions to anger, I don’t wait a second before I begin screaming at him “How am I? I’m horrid! You have kidnapped me and now you are asking if I am ok? Where the hell am I?” I shout, standing up and looking at him.

I see him much clearer now than in the forest. He’s younger than I originally thought, maybe just 18, a year older than me. He also very handsome, tall and strong, with black hair and bright blue eyes, but he’s still strangely dressed. He doesn’t have the armor on, but a sword still rests at his side.

“I have not kidnapped you. You were in pain, so I brought you back to my infirmary. If you are better than I shall arrange transportation for you home in the morning.”

“Infirmary? Who has an infirmary and by the way this small, dark, room should not be called an infirmary. Now, please answer my question. Where am I?” I begin calmly enough, but by the end I’m shouting again. My voice is hoarse and tired, but my anger is still present and strong.

“The castle.” He seems confused by my confusion

“WHAT?” I scream, these people are insane “What castle? I don’t care what game you are playing. You have kidnapped me and now are saying insane things, you are insane! I live in the city, nowhere near a…” My voice fades out as the pain returns again, I feel like my head has been slammed into the stone walls that surround me.

The small man enters as I fall to the ground, both move in closer in an instant. I kick at them to keep their distance.

“Stay away!” I scream and as I focus on them and keeping the space between us my head returns to normal, free of any pain. They stop and back away some giving me space.

“Miss, we mean you no harm.” the smaller man says to me, he seems sincere and calm. “I am a doctor, you need help, could you explain what your problem is?”

“You people are my problem!”

“I’m sorry, you are so confused, maybe a little more sleep will clear your mind.” Somehow he never has seemed to lose his cool, the younger man although somewhat calm, isn’t quite as good at keeping calm. He looks scared, but why? Because of me? I take a deep breath before responding, hoping to mask my fear, but calm my anger.

“I do not need sleep, my mind is clear and I want to go home.” My voice comes out strong although hoarse after screaming and yelling so much.

“If you would inform me of where, I will have a carriage ready to leave as soon as the sun rises.” The young man states calmly, but I can’t remain so myself. Carriage? What weird place am I that they don’t have cars?

My head pounds, yelling at me to stop questioning what is happening. I don’t want to, but I can’t pass out again. I calm my mind and myself breathing deeply.

“I uhh, I don’t know where.” It comes out a whisper and at first I don’t think they’ve heard me, but the concern that shows up on the young man’s face lets me know that they have.

“Miss, it is your head that keeps hurting correct?” the small man finally asks me, I don’t speak, but it can’t cause me any harm to tell him this so I nod in response. “Did you hit your head in the forest?”

I don’t remember that, and I think my confusion is caused by something altogether greater, but could it be possible?

“I don’t think so, maybe.” I eventually push out.

“Sir.” the small one says turning to face the other “I believe her mind has sustained some damage. I believe it should return soon, but in the meantime, I think it best she stays here.”

“I agree.” the young man states calmly

“Do I not get any say in this?” I question

“I think in your condition, it is best that you listen to what we say.” The young man blurts, snarky. I want to fight him, it’s all I want to do, but that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I need to remain calm or who knows what they might do.

“Fine, but may I at least who I’m taking commands from?” I make my response just as annoying as his.

“The crown prince miss.” the small man says astounded that I don’t already know.

“And you?”

“The royal healer, at your service.” he nods politely proud of his job

“What’s your names though?” I ask. This time it's the the apparent prince who looks confused, I guess it's acceptable to not know him by face, but not even his name, that names me as the outsider that I am.

“Stephen and you are?” he finally responds

“Adelaide.” It's odd saying my full name I’ve been Addy to everyone I know for as long as I can remember. A tinge of pain shoots through me so I focus in on... Stephen.

“And your surname?”

“Ceannri.” It comes out before I can think, and it feels foreign to me. I want to search for why, but I can’t risk it, not right now.

“What did you say?” the small man practically shouts

“Ceannri.” I repeat slower, confused

“But they all..” he begins, but he is cut off by Stephen

“Let's not discuss this now.” he says, he looks confused too, but he moves to stop and questions from coming my way. What is he hiding? “Miss, I think it's time I take you to your rooms.”

“Huh, I thought you said that I was staying here?” I ask, but as Stephen quickly moves out of the tiny room I follow.

“If you would like to stay in the infirmary, you are welcome, but I think you’d prefer to come this way.” he says matter of factly

The walls and floor are entirely made of stone. It’s cold and dark with only the light of a few torches on the walls to lead out way. As I walk a slight tinge of pain resurfaces in my ankle reminding me of the events in the woods. I should have run faster, I should have been more careful to begin with.

After ascending a swirling set of stairs we move into a bigger hallway, it reminds me of where I supposedly am, a castle. It must be the main entrance, nothing else would reason such grandness. The walls are covered in tapestries and paintings, with grand doors and hallways that lead into places I can’t imagine. The ceiling is glass and the light of the stars helps light the passage contrasting with the flames.

The floor is the grandest of it all, instead of the rough gray stones from earlier, it is made up of beautifully colorful and smooth ones. They still feel cold against my bare feet, but it’s almost enjoyable now.

I don’t realize that I’ve slowed down, until I look up and see Stephen way ahead of me. I rush to catch up with him my feet loud against the stone. He hears me and turns looking at my feet.

“Sorry.” I mutter quietly

“No, um you're limping.” He’s slow as he talks, and I realize how tired he must be. I have kept him up, and by now it must be approaching sunrise. He hasn’t gotten any rest.

“I think I twisted my ankle when I was running away from you. It just needs some rest.” I push out, after standing in silence for too long

“I’m sorry, I’ll have someone bring you ice later, if you wish.” He apologizes courteously

“Uh, sure.” I say beginning to move again

“You have no shoes.” he states simply, but it seems more like a question

“Yeah.” I reply quickly, I want to move on, his stare on me is starting to feel uncomfortable.

“Aren’t the stones cold?” he questions

“A bit.”

“Why haven’t you spoken up?” His question puzzles me, why would I complain? I have no right too. No matter what he says, he has kidnapped me and I’m his prisoner. Even that aside, who am I to have the right to complain to him a supposed prince.

“I don’t know.” I finally respond

“Well, I can’t fetch you shoes right now.” he begins walking towards me “So, I think the only option is for me to carry you.”

“What! I can handle a little cold, I don’t need you to carry me.”

“The castle is big, your feet will get cold and you yourself said your ankle probably just needs rest, walking all the way will make it worse.” He reacts calmly, using my own words against me.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t agree, it won’t harm you to give in.” He’s responds confidently “I could throw you over my shoulder like earlier, but it would be more comfortable for both of us if you just give up.” I have no option, other than to accept.

“Fine.” I eventually give in, but I’m not happy with it

He moves the rest of the way to meet me and in one swift motion I’m lifted off the ground and into his arms. He moves quickly like earlier not slowed by my weight. He even carries me up a couple flights of stairs without stopping.

He wasn’t joking when he said that the castle was big, and it seems like we continue forever, turning this way and that passing through long hallway after hallway. Any mental image I try to create becomes too complicated for me to remember.

Finally we stop in front of a door. It’s wood is beautifully carved with designs, much fancier than any door I’ve ever seen. Stephen opens the door quickly, barely letting go of me and then enters.

The room is dark, but the light that spreads in from the doorway lets me see the shapes of lots of furniture. Stephen moves towards the shapes that are most likely chairs and a couch in front of a fire place. Slowly he drops me to the ground, so I can move about freely. The floor here is carpet.

“This is yours.” he states quietly, uncovering the coach which was covered by a sheet like all the furniture. The room is huge on the other end there is a bed, much bigger than any I’ve ever slept in, but it is completely stripped. This room probably hasn’t been used in a while.

Stephen moves towards the fireplace and after uncovering it, he pulls a string that hangs from the ceiling nearby before turning to look at me again.

“Maids will be here soon.” He states to me like it should be normal. Uncovering one of the other chairs he throws the sheets he’s gathered onto the floor before sitting down. I follow suit sitting on the couch.

It feels like a lifetime before the silence is broken by two small girls quietly chattering. The look at us, instantly silencing, but there eyes give away their confusion.

“This is Adelaide Ceannri. Her rooms need to be made up quickly.” Stephen says to the girls. At my name their eyes spark in interest, but I don’t know why. “You two might as well be in charge of helping her.” he continues simply

“But your highness, surely there are more suitable people.” one of them says, politely.

“There may be, but I don’t really care about that right now and you two are here. Now I’ll arrange for a seamstress for this afternoon, but she will still need a couple dresses in the meantime, please deal with that.” he lists commands easily, like he’s done it a million times, and he probably has. “Go on.” he pushes when they still stand still.

They quietly whisper to each other before one rushes out. The remaining one gets to work on removing the sheets from all the furniture, ignoring me and Stephen, but cautious as she moves around us.

“Uhh, I don’t really understand this.” I finally speak

“You must be tired. It will take them a little while to get your bed set up so you may as well rest on that couch.” Stephen says not really solving my confusion. “I’ll see you later, rest well Lady Adelaide.” he says and before I can process what he just said he’s gone.

Why did he just say that? What does me mean by lady? My staring into space is finally interrupted by the girl who stayed behind, she’s working on making the fire come to life.

“What is your name?” I ask before thinking. She jumps slightly, but answers me nonetheless.

“Amy, miss.” she says nodding politely

“Well, Amy could you answer a few questions for me?”

“Of course, my lady.” she answers, I doubt she's allowed to say no to anything. I think carefully before speaking, I don’t want to give to much away even if she seems nice.

“Well, you see I was injured earlier. I hit my head and my memory is a little foggy would you help me remember some things?” I doubt she realizes how much I’ll be asking, I know nothing and I think I never did.

“Whatever you need I shall try to answer.”

“Thanks. Umm so where exactly am I?”

“In Penbrok Castle.” she says simply, no suspicion in her voice

“Oh yes, of course and umm Ste… the prince, he uh well I don’t remember much about him.”

“What would you like to know?” She asks eager to answer me

“Quite a lot actually, here come sit.” I say allowing her some space on the couch. I can see her hesitating, but she gives in sitting down next to me, but making sure to give me lots of space. “Just tell me his life.”

“He’s the crown prince, and will be king in a year and a half. He spent the majority of his childhood growing up in this castle. His mom died three years ago. He has one younger sister, princess Lauren.” The information she gives me is precious and careful like from a textbook. Although it will help me fit in I need to learn more deep stuff.

“Oh yeah, but what’s he like?” I ask casually smiling, trying to get Amy to open up to me. She is probably only a couple years younger than me and we could be silly gossiping teens together, but whatever is going on has made that impossible for me.

“He’s very kind to all of the servants, at times around certain officials he can become rude, but I think it’s just for appearances, he always goes out of his way to apologize later on.” It's still seems like practiced answers, but I can feel her opening up.

“That’s good. So, there has to be some gossip about him? No one that cute could possible escape it, or has he magically, cause then I need his secret.” She giggles a little at my comment and I feel the wall she had put up to separate us because of some social gap break apart.

“No, he’s the subjects of nearly all the gossip around here.”

“Do tell more.” I say laughing, I almost want to fall into this happily, and I am starting to trick myself. Maybe he could just be some cute guy from school and not some guy who I think has kidnapped me, but only the second half is true.

“A lot of the noble girls are always claiming that he likes them, but as far as I know none of them have actually gotten anywhere. Even the most likely gossip always seems to be proven false. The last time he actually courted a girl was before his mother died, but since then nothing.”

“Poor girls.” I say sarcastically and Amy laughs with me, I hope that even if it's a bit fake we can actually become friends, it’ll comfort me.

“Amy?” A quiet voice asks and we both silence ourselves quickly

“Oh, Ashley.” Amy says jumping up from the couch and rushing over to the girl who seems to be made of blankets. Her face is blocked off by the pile in her arms, only a small hint of her blonde hair visible.

They quickly get to work on making my bed so I lay down. They quietly chat as they work and I can hear Amy whispering about our conversation to Ashley. Listening in I eventually close my eyes, and begin to feel myself drift off to sleep, feeling safe and comfy for the first time that night.


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373 Reviews


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Sat Jun 10, 2017 2:27 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello. It's time for this to get out of the Green Room :)

One reason this hasn't been getting a lot of reviews is because of its length. For chapters long as this, I suggest splitting into parts like Chapter 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, etc. or Chapter 1 Part 1,2,3, etc.

So right now this character must have somehow found her way into these woods and is, in a way, rescued by the healer and Prince Stephen. This sounds like a pretty fascinating idea and I'm imagining a "I want to go home" story--and perhaps a romance between her and Prince Stephen. The mystery about her surname is unusual too, but I'm guessing that she's somehow related to this place.

The action scene--the running scene--needs to be a little fixed, I think. I feel as if the sentences could be much snappier by trimming unnecessary words. Technically it has also has run-on feeling because there needs to be some commas sometimes. There's this huge article called The Great Grammar Compendium that may be helpful. Just look at the index and go to the comma section! If you browse this forum, you can find much more! The sentence structure could also do with a little more variety, other than "I do this. Then I do that". I'm not an expert in writing action scenes so please take my advice with a grain of salt.

I can understand the girl's fear but she screams too much for my liking. I'd prefer to hear more of her thoughts--what she's gonna do. I'm not very fond of characters who scream a lot like that. In order for me to really like them, they need to be extra likable to cover up for the screaming. That's just my reader opinion and it might vary.

I also agree with the previous reviewer that the dialogue could be little more coherent. I was, in fact, kind of getting lost in the dialogue. I'm pinning it on one central issue (I think): the pacing. It's super fast, to the point of being rushed. So I'd suggest to slow down a little so that the reader won't be pulled along by their hair.

I think that's all I've got to say about this. This seems to become a cool premise and good luck with writing the rest of it! PM if you want to talk.

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Fri Jun 02, 2017 12:19 am
TheEpicTurtle wrote a review...



Hi Junel! I really like the ideas you have here for a story; though some of it was a little bit confusing. Did Adelaide go back in time in the beginning, or is everything just different?
Anyways, I really do like where you're going with this, although I would probably add a prologue to explain what exactly is going on. I might also edit the dialogue a little bit, just to make it a little more cohesive.
Great story!

Elaine, TheEpicTurtle




Junel says...


Its supposed to be a bit confusing because she doesn't know where she is. How she got there will be explained more later on as she learns because this is in first person.





Okay, that makes more sense. Great job on the story by the way!

Elaine, TheEpicTurtle




But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane