Hi! I love corny stories, perhaps try to be a bit more descriptive of how both characters look or the colors around. Describe scenery and try to ease into the whole meet up story by building a better understanding of the characters for the reader. For ex. At first I believed the main character to be quite laid back but later I found out she wore heels everywhere. Perhaps a quirky mismatched heels kind of girl something along the lines of "Me before You", character. Look it up! I think it might fit.
"It’s wings’ small movements entranced me and although I was imagining it I felt as if they pushed away the heat and noise from the summer day." This part I found a bit confusing, what were you imagining the butterfly or the feeling try to clear up your thinking a bit more. Perhaps read over your work out loud.
"When it had flown down it was hazardous..." By Hazardous did you mean dangerous, hostile? Perhaps check word choice here.
" she knew sneakers were as much of a hazard to my health." hahha I find this a bit exaggerated that tripping might be a hazard to your health although perhaps the intention was to exaggerate.
"To put it in simpler terms, my earlier statement about finding a gentleman in front of me was officially being rescinded" hahahha I like this part.
"slowing my trek toward the painful earth" perhaps ground or grass? This might be a little too broad.
"I needed to get moving or I would be late back to work. Something I normally dreaded, but today it would be a happy escape" Does she or does not want to leave, this is a bit confusing.
"I rushed away, and with a little magic, I didn’t trip. At least I didn’t fall down again, and when I tripped I doubted the man was still watching. I hoped."- some parts are quite confusing like the ending did she or did she not trip after, did she perhaps half tripped or is she talking about previously when she fell since obviously the tall guy saw her trip.
Grammas wise, I saw the following:
"I had seen my fair sure of butterflies in my life," I think you meant to say share.
" But as this one sat on my fingertips I couldn’t help but finally escape the world and smile."(but,)
-sunshine.pills
Points: 40
Reviews: 2
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