Young Writers Society

Hi, J here for a review.
First of for your first poem this wasn't dreadful, it just took you a few lines to get a rhyming scheme going. I will say that once you did get some kind of flow going you stuck to it and didn't let it get out of hand. I couldn't find too many grammar mistakes so great job with that. Your flow was interupted as the poem went on because of forced rhyming just kinda let it flow when you are writing because to the untrained ear it sounds like you aren't trying when really you just forced rhyme.
You did a good job figuring out the Publishing Center in your very first poem. I could understand your format and it even got easier to follow as the piece went on.
I loved your Wonderland theme and I feel like you put a nice play on the all to common imagery.
Over all good poem keep writing more. Once you write a few you start to create your own style and things get easier

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

Hey there JuneIparis. Birdman here, dropping by to help rescue your work from the green room.

Flow and Rhyme
1. One of the main aspects of your poem is this simple rhyme scheme going on but it takes you awhile for the poem to get into this rhyming state. And even once you get into a place where most of the lines rhyme, they still don't. There's also this issue with the words themselves, howbin some pronunciations, I could see forcing the rhyme. But they take a lot of manipulation for the average ear to head them. Consider changing this up.

2. The flow is here and there, meaning it flows independently as stanzas but all together the patchwork doesn't want to sew together. It created this very interesting state to me, where you were trying to separate out the different thoughts in different stanzas but dare I say, they were distanced too much.
Another thing that plays into the distancing and odd connections, has to be the length of your stanzas, which are switching very quickly back and forth between long - mid length - short. Perhaps adapting the first and final stanzas would be easier that splitting anything else.

Formatting
I started to pick up on the formatting of the stanzas and lines in the last section but decided to move it down here. There's a line that's particularly affecting your rhyme scheme and I know why you left it like it is. The line is going to be too long to fit there any time of day but you can make specific cuts to it, so it's more purposeful than falling at the feet of the publishing center. I am of course referring to the hole/whole lines, which are a shifty rhyme as it is.

Message
Wonderland often seems to be a common imagery in fantasy descriptions of a Crush or romance between two people. I've never seen it go to this full length of Wonderland related imagery, which makes it quite enjoyable. I thought you would have more trouble piecin together the key points but there they are.
That being said, the overall thing I feel from this was good emotions, which is usually not something I expect from poetry. There's this realization of it's okay to love this specific person, giving a nice air to the whole thing and a nice wrap up to the rest of the lines.

That is all for now.
Want to talk about this review? PM me.
Birdman signing out.