Published August 11, 2011
"Land ho!" a crew mate cried. Animus, the fearless captain, gazed upon the rim of Greece. Alexander was wise to send him to attack Athens. Animus gave a mysterious, crooked smile.
Tonight they were to attack.
"Lower the anchor!" He ordered the crew. "Raise the sail." The last thing they needed was to be chased off by Greek fire. The captain scanned the sky, not a cloud for miles. The Gods were on their side for once. But, Gods support or not, a Roman never looses a battle. No, a true Roman wins the battle, or dies trying.
Hours pass, and Apollo drags his chariot down to the horizon. The sun golden, and the sky a breathless scarlet. Yes, the Gods were very pleased with Animus. Or, so our hero thought. Then, without any warning, black clouds snarled at the young ship. Sparks of light danced across the cloud's faces, and a horrible storm brewed right in front of our hero's eyes.
"BEAST!" Yelled a member of the crew. The captain turned to see a long tentacle slapping the haul. Animus grabs the helm, attempting escape. But no release was given, no, not in the slightest. For the terrible beast had a death grip on the vessel. Then, another long arm stretched into the sky, and smacked on the main deck. It squeezed and tore and shredded the ship in half.
Dozens of Rome's strongest men fell into the large black mouth below. Its razor sharp teeth grazed their backs and stabbed a great many through the chest.
"In the name of Neptune!" Animus cried. "What is the making of this?" But, just as the words left his lips, a voice that seemed to be in the breeze whispered.
"Stay away from Athens, Roman. Stay away from my Olympus!" Then a mighty roar rang through the air. Our hero grabs the edge of the ship, but much too late. A mighty arm wraps around him, and slings him in the air. He smacks into the water with force that no man could survive. The beast, finally had his fill, sank into the depths of the ocean. As the ship, the young, young ship followed the beast to the bottom.
As for our brave hero. His grave lies deep down, in Davy Jone's locker. Now, he and his brave crew haunt the waters. Waiting, for their attack on Greece. Waiting for the battle that shall never come.
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Dear June3,
I liked the story immensely. The only problem was, I sighted a lot of grammatical mistakes.
1:
- 'The rim of Greece'? That sounds a bit weird in my opinion. Perhaps you should change that.
2:
- You should have added a comma after 'Tonight'.
3:
- Perhaps it should be 'a deathly grip'?
I am a great fan of Roman Mythology, and I have to admit, this was excellently written. Keep up the good work, is what I say. Well, I mean it.
I am looking forward for the sequel!
I hope this review has helped you in some manner to improve you story!
Regards,
Nova
P.S. I have been reviewing like crazy! GO CHARMANDERS! You SHAMROCKERS do not stand a chance!
I loved your description of the sea he was on and the imagery you used. The only thing I could possibly think of improving on would be punctuation, and you hardly need any improving on it.
As the ship, the
young,young ship followed the beast to the bottom.I don't think that you need the second young in there because it sounds too repetitive.
But, Gods support or not, a Roman never looses a battle. No, a true Roman wins
the battle,or dies trying.I personally would replace the second battle with a synonym or just take it out all together so it would be: But, Gods support or not, a Roman never looses a battle. No, a true Roman either becomes victorious or dies trying.
It is a very good piece of work I hope that you will be writing more
'Ello, June.
I personally love mythology, and I think you did a nice job of capturing the attitude of the Romans. I took Latin, and technically "animus" is a noun translating "mind, spirit," but that's not really important.
Nitpicks:
Personally, I would use a dash instead of a comma.
Because "gods" in this case was a collective term, it should be capitalized. It's the same as saying "the humans prepared for battle."
I know Apollo is the sun god, but does he drive the chariot? I always thought it was Helios, but maybe that's Greek mythology...never mind me. I'm just thinking out loud.
No comma
Nice.
* The comma after sky should not be there. When you have a compound sentence, sometimes you need a comma before the linking conjunction, and sometimes you don't. Cover up the conjunction and look at the two parts of the sentence. If both clauses could stand on their own as complete sentences, you need a comma. My niece dropped blackberry pie on her white shorts, so she immediately excused herself from the table. But if you one clause couldn't be a complete sentence, you don't use a comma. My niece dropped blackberry pie on her white shorts and immediately excused herself from the table. "immediately excused herself from the table is a fragment. Let me know if my senseless babbling was, well, senseless.
Very nice use of polysyndeton. However, if you shred something, it more than likely is in more parts than two. I'm not sure "shredded" is the right word here.
For me, this outcry is a little weak. If he's watching his entire crew get eaten alive, I think he would either be profusely angry and cursing his life, or he might turn to begging the gods. The dialogue you have right now just seems a little too proper and polite. I don't know. It's up to you.
I think it's okay for you to begin this sentence with a conjunction, but you don't need the first comma.
I would combine these two sentences. "The beast....depths of the ocean, dragging the young ship to the bottom" or something like that. Again, it's entirely your call.
General Critiques:
This piece has great potential in it, and what you have is well-written. I hope you have a lot of fun with this piece, and let me know if you decide to expand at all. Always, if you want to talk about this review at all, please feel free to contact me. I'd be happy to discuss it with you.
-Sea-
Halloo there;
I have a few comments... I know I'm new here, so don't take anything I say the wrong way, I hope I don't come across as arrogant or anything. They're just suggestions, y'know.
Overall, it was an interesting piece. I do love mythology, and this was reminiscent of it. I just have some nitpicky critiques, for punctuation and such, if my memory from my school years serves me correctly.
I like this. It establishes the adventurous tone of the entire story. I'm not sure "a crew mate cried" is very strong, for a first sentence, however. I might suggest something more vague... like... Not necessarily that, but you see what I mean. I don't know, just a thought.
Should be lower case "h" in "he". "Lower the anchor!" he ordered the crew.
Should be Gods'. Gods' support or not. Also, you began the sentence with a preposition... maybe replace "but" with "however" or something. Also, instead of "looses" should be "loses". I like the second sentence, very brave, Roman sentiment. Overall I might suggest... a different structure altogether, though. Let's see... something like... "However, with or without the approval of the Gods, a Roman never loses a battle. No, a true Roman wins the battle, or dies trying."
I like this. It shows attention to details, again bringing in the mythology aspect.
This is epic, but it's in present tense. The rest of the story is in past tense. Tense issues again, tsk tsk.
All right... that's all I have to say, I think.
~PurpleShade~
Hello, I'll be making a few comments about your wonderful piece
My suggestions are in bold.
I just thought that maybe it would sound better if there was a comma.
Overall, it was really good
The ending really got me hooked.
Keep writing! Can't wait to hear more from you