Dove into an endless sea
Holding hands with no one but me
Fearful of the nothingless air
Lost with the recognition that no one's there
Naked I fall
into this wrecking ball
Harder and harder I stumble
further and further I sink
to places magnified by sorrows
sharpened arrows
and bodies without shadows
As I fasten my eyes I find I'm loosing more
as tides of green and blue roar
No one told me this sea
would someday get the best of me
and I would loose all sight of reality
No one told me how much I would miss
the solidity of the earth upon my feet
or the comfort of being found in a game of hide and seek
I have soon come to find that no one is coming for me
no one to keep me afloat
Or the coming of a rescue boat
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey there! Welcome to YWS! =)
It's been a long time since I had reviewed or posted anything on YWS, so let's get started with the review, shall we?
First thing -
It should be 'diving' or 'I dove.'
Nothingless is a very odd term here.
I think 'realization' would be a better word to use than 'recognition.'
'Losing,' not 'loosing.'
Another aspect that I didn't really like about the poem was that the rhyming was a little...well...for the lack of a better word, random. It was flat and the lines were empty of emotion. It seemed that you tried to rhyme the last word of every line just for the sake of rhyming. I have to agree with Kyllorac about the rhyming rhythm.
However, there is another aspect that this poem has, and that is its imagery. I like the way you compared a situation of someone being lost with the situation of drowning in the sea here. You have many ideas, but you lack organization to express them. I suggest that you work out a draft (which I usually do it by hand), before entering it into the computer. This way, you can see which lines can be omitted and which parts need to be edited. Well...it works for me.
Overall, this needs editing, especially on the rhyming, but I can see the potential =)
Keep writing, I look forward to more!
welcome, julia.
now, i have this question in the first line. is it really dove or "dive"? cause i really don't get it being dove, though. or maybe you can change it into
one thing i've noticed:
i've never heard of air described as "nothingless" before. could it have been, "Fearful of the nothingness of air", or am i the one mistaken?
and probably my favorite part:
overall, it isn't bad. nice poem for a start. though, i recommend you practice using punctuations, if you don't mind. i also like how the words rhyme, and in this poem, i picture someone who's going through the motions, as they say.
keep it up.
**if you have anything to say, pm me. have fun here.
`telle.
Hi, Julia! Welcome to YWS!
This poem is a good start.
I enjoyed how you began in past tense action. I would've liked to see that sustained until the end of the poem, and I can't say that I actually enjoy the change to present tense. It seems out-of-uniform, because it destroys the connectivity between the lines, dear.
I like you imagery, though! Sharpened arrows would be a wonderful image to elaborate on. I understand that you're following a gentle rhyme scheme here, but it's rigid -- you're not alloting yourself the space for extra elaboration, dear, and you really should, because without it, you're constricting your poem and ideas, and eliminating more and more of the possibility for us to understand, enjoy, and reread. Let your words flow free: let your mind bleed into the words. Images are seeds; water them, let them grow.
Whatever you start, complete, dear. If you start an image, finish it. Start an idea, close it before moving on. You started this poem, and the ending kind of falls off, meaning there's no strong sense of closure, and I think you need to tweak the end, because all of this building up surely doesn't need to go to waste.
Hope that helps! Welcome to YWS; if you need anything, call on me.
June
I really liked this. I have to disagree and say that I loved the last line. Though this part may be my favorite:
No one told me how much I would miss
the solidity of the earth upon my feet
or the comfort of being found in a game of hide and seek
Welcome to YWS, have fun
I agree with jasminebells; the last line was really weak.
Your rhyme falls a bit flat because there is no consistent rhythm; rhymes rely heavily on rhythm, and without a solid rhythm, rhymes fall flat. For example, "I went to visit Ann, / but she would not let me borrow her cast iron cooking pan" doesn't feel like a rhyme even though the last word of each line technically rhymes; this is because the length of the two lines is so different, and there is no rhythm to reinforce the rhyme.
There are a number of ways you can even out the rhythm without having to drastically change the meaning. Don't be afraid to play around with grammar, punctuation, and syntax. Using words with different syllable counts but the same meaning is another way, and you can even omit some words. Take this line for example:
One way you could even out the line length so that it matches the first line is rephrase it to something like "Lost; recognition; no one there".
Overall, this is a good start. Your imagery is solid, and all this poem really needs is a bit of polishing. :D
The line:
is probably my favorite. I really liked this poem but the end was a bit of a let down. You supe this whole thing up, make it all magnificent and all then- or the coming of a rescue boat. Kind of an anti-climatic ending, dontcha think? Anyway just fix that up. This has potential!