Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: ALright, so this was an interesting story, I kind of like the basic premise here, although its still a little unclear what exactly is going, I liked the overall vibe, especially of that conversation towards the end, but this does have quite a few issues here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

My Palace White Fire where anything can be in this unique independent palace. Its a palace where everything is suppose to be safe. Then why do we have the need for a guardian or should I say princess. Hmm doesn't feel like anything is safe. White Fire is my very beautiful dimension, my home. If I should say so my self I like white fire, its suited to my taste and the taste of the residents. Not preppy but not gothic as I always admire it . In between just imagining something a little similar to that It's my lovely kingdom. A place were the moon and clouds reign the residents defensive for their place their "earth" if I may call without exaggeration it .We are so much different from the humans these thought amazes me everyday. Vamp Witches does that sound weird? thats my nature. Well I look closely to all the points in my existence and nothing is normal. Like when saying the phrase anything can happen well yeah its not really a exaggeration like around the time the council gets together and chooses 2 possible humans to become residents of white fire with all the "luxury" to it right, hmm sure its a real luxury.

OKay...well that was a bit of an exposition dump there, not gonna lie, its not the greatest of starts to a story. For one, this is a massive first paragraph and its perhaps a bit too big here...cause it really is a little hard to read there...and it just seems to go on an on about this place without truly introducing who is talking or even where they are...this needs to be broken into a couple of smaller pieces, and you to tone down a little bit on the details right there.

Juliet White Fire I think I dont deserve the title" Princess " I guess you can call it that but it doesn't really matter much I guess not. anyways I am forever 18 very grateful but I regret one point that I will never have my happy ending.I stopped aging on my last birthday 5,000 years ago. Good. At least I did not get any older than truthfully being 95,000 years old prehistoric I can not make up my mind on what is better living forever or having your happy ending or just and ending in most cases. My Dad is The Co-founder equally right along with my uncle garret we are all ancient people funny I didn’t know we were suppose to look so young when we really should all be less than dust . My life has been a big bowl of responsibility + stress + exaggeration of problems = my job nice huh?. my love, my best friend my council partner Marker my Marcus I just call him Marker and no one else because im the only one who can come up with such a dumb nickname. Then the rest is old people.. well they are old and hot in their 40's just like all the other members and I being the only girl ugh yeah my life of royalty nope the word normal has never applied to me. Patrick ( my father wanted to treat me like a princess but no I wanted to be treated "normally" right like if that word existed for me.

Okay.....so here, yeah we seem to have run into the old issue of simply dumping a ton of information out there which really doesn't say too much for the story itself. I won't deny that's its a bit intriguing, but its also just a little too much information and there's just way too many things being thrown at us with barely any context. I feel you really need to take more of a step back and try to get the reader's attention first rather than trying to talk of every mechanic in this fantasy land. You might find this article helpful in that regard.

' Ahhhhhh!" I jumped up about 10 feet when my dad scared me with his instrument, the element of surprise.

" Ok Juli you really need to stop spacing out " my dad laughed shaking his head.

" Right ' I sighed looking down taking a deep breath.

my dad stared at me confused and intently, what did I have something on my face?

' Juliet did you forget?" My dad asked seriously now.

Well this is a bit of awkward start to a conversation. I love the attempt to dismiss the infodump as her spacing out, but it's not effective here...perhaps if it was only a few lines of thought and she was cut off early, that's alright, here its just two massive paragraphs which is way too much. I do love how this shows the personality of the father somewhat here...and we get a sense of the relationship these two share.

"What?' I asked curiously and honestly a little afraid at what I might have forgotten.

" Yeah you forgot that we have to go the choosing didn't you?" His smile was almost mocking me now.

I walked to get my keys with rush. ugh I cant believe I forgot. I thought worried at my mind that was forgetting important things.

' Pshhhhhhh of course I didn't forget dont you know me better patrick?"

OKay...welll that certainly tells you a little bit more about that aforementioned relationship, this is a fairly wholesome conversation right here, you can see these two are quite fond of each other and have a pretty good relationship with this good natured teasing.

my dad let out a peal of laughter.

" Of course, because I know you that is why I knew that I had to remind you"

my dad took the keys from me , he gets nervous when I drive even tough I drive better than him and his crooked fast driving .Isn’t that a form of irony.

Of course like I predicted we made it to the town hall in 2 minutes which sould have really taken 10.

the cops were way too scared to give a ticket to the co-founder.

wait... today were suppose to chose and I am still undecided, crap....

Umm...interesting choice of ending there, mostly cause it was rather confusing to me...I wonder what that is supposed to mean....umm, well, a bit of a strange abrupt cut off there to end on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this was a decent piece, but it needs quit a bit of work before it can really reach its full potential, so I'd suggest a bit of a rewrite for this one...well at any rate that's all I've gotta say for now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry
`

Hey Juju! Black here for a Review Day review! (Coming in the hopes I can help you to fix your writing )

Okay, so, I'm going to be sounding a bit harsh in this particular review, but let me warn you: Don't take it personally. Take my advice! It'll help you, I'm sure of it! Now look: I'm going to assume that you're probably 'fairly' young still, and that you're pretty new to writing. And that's okay! Every PhD was once a sophomore! You have to start somewhere. But it's going to mean that you're going to have a lot of problems and a lot of work to do to fix them.

But don't get disappointed, you have two very powerful strong points. Points that'll support you on your way to becoming a GREAT WRITER! The first one is your structure! This here chapter has a GREAT structure. You've got the frame of it put together! Starting with a stort of introduction, leading to some talking, then stepping forward and getting a finale . . . it's a great style and you did a good job with it!

Your next strong point is your idea. You, from what I see, like most new writers, have GREAT ideas, GREAT originality, and GREAT enthusiasm. All that you lack is the ability and skill to put those ideas into comprehensible words. And that's okay, you can learn! But really, your originality is 100% awesome. Yeah, it does have a few little holes, and yeah, it lacks the base skills to support it, but it's still really cool-sounding. I would read this book!

But yeah, you do have a lot of problems. I don't really have time to deal with all of them and am going to have to leave some of them to other people to take care of, but you did a really, really, really nice job with this piece! Your problems are mainly in your grammar, your pacing, your description and your style. I'll do what I can to fix what I can, but you have to remember that it's up to you to do the hard, fixing work!

So here goes! I'm going to be starting this here review with your GRAMMAR! What I'm going to do, as I usually do, is I'm going to go and write down some basic examples of your problems. Then I'm going to be fixing these examples for you. I'll then wind up this section of the review by trying to generalize your problem and prescribe a solution! So, here goes!

Can you change against your will? Fight every with every ounce of your strength. What if you knew that you couldn’t win but you still try for the ones you love will thinking that it will matter. If there was anything that could ease your guilt you’d take it in a second. For me if I can't win or forget anything I only avenge having being built with centuries and centuries of remorse and responsibility, I am power trained to kill. I wonder where is my happiness, I'm suppose to be a princess aren't I?

Something that really helps me when I'm writing something is sittind down and reading the piece out loud to myself before I post it. I usually tend to be able to find a LOT of hard-to-pin down problems by doing that! I suggest you to do the same. Now, look at this piece. Does it make sense to you? Because it didn't make any sense to me. Generally a preface introduces a story, it doesn't summarize or entice. Thus I think that this section of writing is incorrectly labeled anyway (it' usually a bit bigger too). Look at this:

What if you knew that you couldn’t win but you still try for the ones you love will thinking that it will matter.

It makes no sense. Here, let me re-write it for you! 'What if you knew that you couldn't win, but you still fought with ever fiber of your being, believing that in some way, on some level; it would matter.' It's more emotional (if this is a blurb, then that's what you want), and slightly easier to understand. You have to think about what you want to say, write it down, turn it into a sentence, write that down, and then re-write it a few more times.

" Of course, because I know you that is why I knew that I had to remind you"

my dad took the keys from me , he gets nervous when I drive even tough I drive better than him and his crooked fast driving .Isn’t that a form of irony.

Of course like I predicted we made it to the town hall in 2 minutes which sould have really taken 10.

the cops were way too scared to give a ticket to the co-founder.

Okay, so first off. When you're doing dialogue (talking) you don't have a space after the first appostrophe! Also, in your writing you need to use more comma's (not just here). Comma's show pauses, short ones. You need to think about how you want your writing to sound and then use commas, periods and other punctuation marks to make it sound that way, otherwise it won't sound right at all! Also, when you're starting a new paragraph you ALWAYS capitalize the first letter.

Oh, yeah, and if I could live 5000 years then the last thing I'd be going around in would be cars – these people HAVE to have something new! You need to try to think of how you could be more original. Make these people have laser scanners that check people's identities when they get into vehicles! Not keys . . . I'll ignore your base, tiny problems, but understand that you have them. Spelling . . . basic grammar. You could really use a grammar/ spell checker. It would help you a lot! Also, as a general rule, you should really always use words instead of numbers. Don't say '3 minutes' say 'three minutes'.

Juliet White Fire I think I dont deserve the title" Princess " I guess you can call it that but it doesn't really matter much I guess not. anyways I am forever 18 very grateful but I regret one point that I will never have my happy ending.I stopped aging on my last birthday 5,000 years ago. Good. At least I did not get any older than truthfully being 95,000 years old prehistoric I can not make up my mind on what is better living forever or having your happy ending or just and ending in most cases. My Dad is The Co-founder equally right along with my uncle garret we are all ancient people funny I didn’t know we were suppose to look so young when we really should all be less than dust . My life has been a big bowl of responsibility + stress + exaggeration of problems = my job nice huh?. my love, my best friend my council partner Marker my Marcus I just call him Marker and no one else because im the only one who can come up with such a dumb nickname. Then the rest is old people.. well they are old and hot in their 40's just like all the other members and I being the only girl ugh yeah my life of royalty nope the word normal has never applied to me. Patrick ( my father wanted to treat me like a princess but no I wanted to be treated "normally" right like if that word existed for me.

Okay, there are a number of problems with this paragraph. First off: I get a feeling that you're trying to introduce this story during this paragraph, but you're getting too personal with it. Read it out loud! It sounds like she's just sitting there, rambling on and on about her life and home. It's kind of messy and VERY hard to understand. Try to re-write it. Find out WHAT you want to say, in what way, and then WRITE it! Then re-write it. Also, you should really try to break this paragraph down a bit. When paragraphs start to reach a certain size readers tend to have a hard time following your lines! Don't ramble!

Okay, that's going to have to be enough for grammar. This review is getting insanely long! I'm going to generalize from what I've seen and just say you're not familiar with grammar and spelling. Writing in general. I advise you to try to plan what you want to say a bit more, and when your done go over it. My general prescription is simpe: Practice. Writers advance through practice. And you will too! Good luck!

Okay, now I'm going to see what I can do about your description problems. But that'll have to be it for now. I'm tired. Usually writers have two ways of explaining things A: They show it in lumps/ prefaces, or B: They feed it to you on the edges of dialogue, thoughts, and action. You're not really doing either. Fantasy stories are usually very centralized around story world, and it's very important to show how worlds work! I'm goign to advise you to try to use type B, but do what works! Just be sure to do it! We readers just don't know enough about the story yet!

Anyway, I need to get going here! Nice work though! You really do have an AWESOME story world on the way, with an awesome idea, and a lot of prospectivity. Don't worry, everyone has problems! You just need to spend a lot of quality time sitting down and working on them! It takes time! Just rememeber! KEEP WRITING – Do that and you WILL improve! The saying 'Practice makes perfect' really does apply to writers!

Good luck!


~Black~