Family First

This is hard to critique because it's so short, but personally I really like it that way. When I read it I had Lilos voice in my head when she was saying 'Ohana means family.' It's sweet. Not quite a masterpiece of art, but it made me smile, and my favourite kind of poetry is the kind that makes me smile.

Also, your portfolio is empty. I hope to see more of your work soon!

Very nice! This is sweet but at the same time it's incredibly, incredibly simple. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a short and simple poem but this is quite extreme. You are pretty much just stating basic messages that we've all been brought up with an know quite well, and honestly, it's really nothing new. Even the actual themes themselves are simply cliche and transparent and the lack of thought makes it seems slightly hare brained and scattered.
Jpball, this is short but sweet. Perhaps you could of extended this a bit more on giving more details about your personal experiences with family or even do a short rhyming scheme. If rhyming is too difficult, adding similes or metaphors would liven up this piece.
Keep writing!

Jpball, this is short but sweet. I like your message about family first, perhaps you could of extended this a bit more on giving more details about your personal experiences with family or even do a short rhyming scheme. If rhyming is too difficult, adding similes or metaphors would liven up this piece. Keep writing. Hurtado

Hello there here is me with a review to save you from all odds chacharge.

OK you did really good here I like it a lot but still it need to be bigger and the words are not capitalized after a comma.

You have a very good point here I like it a lot.

Good work so far as I can see I can see no problem with it except for well the smallness of it I mean you spelling and stuff was great.

I hope that I have saved you from something. XD

Until later "good bye and god be with you."

Keep writing and good luck.

I hope it helped you out.

And pleas forgive me if I rambled.

~Jon~

Hello Jpball,

EnchantedPanda here to give you a quick review on your poem!

This is sweet but at the same time it's incredibly, incredibly simple. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a short and simple poem but this is quite extreme. You are pretty much just stating basic messages that we've all been brought up with an know quite well, and honestly, it's really nothing new. Even the actual themes themselves are simply cliche and transparent and the lack of thought makes it seems slightly hare brained and scattered. This kind of went right past me.

My first and foremost advice would be to explore these ideas more and bring forth some depth. You obviously do have poetic ability but I don't think that you've released your full potential in this poem. There are many ways to unlock your inner poetic ability but mostly by being inspired. You're using a lot of strong words in here like love and hate but your not actually expanding any further on these. You're simply stating your points and moving on. Poetry is more about feelings and emotions than action and actual opinionated stuff. Experiment with metaphors and similes or other language features to try and make this more emotionally raw and powerful to the reader. You would be incredibly surprised what description does for a poem. Get out that theasaurous and get to work recreating the vocabulary of this poem.

Also, you say family comes first, but there's not other competition for "first place", so to speak, in this poem. Normally that common phrase is referring to valuing family traditions and members etc., over friends or acquaintances. However in this piece you seem to have just skipped straight past that and ended the poem with a couple of lines about loving your family because they come first? Did you maybe miss the mark a tiny bit?

Overall I found this poem to be sweet but slightly lacking in any actual emotional words. I'd love to see you expand on this and take it to the next step. I'm sorry if I've been blunt in my review because this is actually not a bad poem. Please keep on writing and don't give up- you've got a whole ton of potential within you! Keep up the great writing!

From EnchantedPanda