Published October 30, 2015
“Best friends forever, right?”
“Right.”
“You won’t ever leave me?”
“Never.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The door opens to reveal a woman I once knew well. At first she looks confused, but her face morphs into anger and thinly veiled hurt.
“Um, hi.” I say. “Mrs. Liring? I, uh, I came to see Braden.”
It might just be my imagination, but it seems like she closes the door a little further. “Hello, Kaylie. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen you around here.”
“Uh, yeah.” I shift my feet. “I’ve been a little busy.”
There’s a long pause before she speaks again. “Oh! Well, where are my manners? Come on in Kaylie.” She opens the door wider for me, but it seems forced. “Braden’s upstairs. In his room. You remember where that is right?”
“Of course,” I say. “It hasn’t been that long.”
“I don’t know,” she says softly. “Four years is quite a long time.”
I pretend like I didn’t hear her and walk down the hall to Braden’s room. Not much has changed. It’s still the house I remember from my childhood. When I would traipse through my backyard into his barefoot, and knock on his backdoor. I ate a lot of after school snacks here, played a lot of board games, puzzles, did cartwheels, ran into walls, learned to ride my bike. The familiar pang of guilt hits me and I cringe. Why on earth did I think it was a good idea to come back here? The whole situation wasn’t my fault anyway. I just did what was best for me. You know, to have a successful life. It’s all the little things that lead to success. Like friends. And social standing.
I reach his door and knock. “Come in!” He says.
My knees shake a little. He sits on his bed, the comforter the same dark green that it was when we were eight. He stares right through me, his eyes deep brown and unfocused just like I remembered. “Who’s here?” He asks.
“Me.”
He laughs nervously. “I don’t know who ‘me’ is.”
“I, uh. . . Kaylie.”
He stiffens up. “Really.” He says.
“Yeah.” I scuff my foot against the carpet. “I sort of wanted to catch up.”
He crosses his legs. “What’s the hurry? You haven’t wanted to even text me back in almost three years.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmur.
“Hey, I understand. Junior high is hard. It’s even harder if you’re friends with the blind kid who everybody else loves to tease. So, you dropped me. Joined them. Made your own blind jokes, then moved away, never talking to me again. I get it. Totally.”
“You just have to be sarcastic.”
“Um, yeah I do. Cause you know what’s harder Kaylie? Being the blind kid who gets stabbed in the back by his only friend. ‘Best friends forever.’ Remember Kaylie? You promised.”
I roll my eyes. “Kids make promises like that all the time.”
“Yeah? Well I fully planned on keeping that promise. Apparently, it meant nothing to you.”
I huff. “Well I came back alright? And all you’re doing is ragging on me!”
He crosses his arms. “So why did you come back?”
“I thought we could be friends again.” I say quietly. “Maybe I was wrong.”
“What happened? Your friends moved on? Or you decided to move back here and you need someone to lean on till you get your feet under you again and get into the popular group?”
“How dare you!” I yell.
“That’s what happened huh?” He says softly. “Nobody wants a friends who will use them, then cast them away broken, only to come back again when they’ve run out of friends, Kaylie. That’s not what real friendship is.”
“Well how do you know what friendship is? I bet you’ve been wallowing in your own self-pity ever since I left."
“Oh yeah? Well I finally found some people who are supportive and kind for a change, Kaylie. I have friends Kaylie. People who I can lean on and who can lean on me. A card tower can’t stand with only one card leaning on the other. They both have to lean on each other. Remember, Kaylie?”
I glare at him and spin on my heel, slamming the door on my way out. I stomp through the living room and out the front door, ignoring the curious look Braden’s mom gives me. Inside my car I take a deep breath and reach into my pocket for my key. I come up empty. I rummage through my purse, my anger and irritation slowly mounting. There’s a knock on the window and I look out. Braden stands there. I open the door.
“What? Just leave me alone okay!”
He smiles a little. “Look for the people who have your back Kaylie, and make sure you take care of them. I’m still going to do my best to keep that promise.” He holds up a key.
I snatch it out of his hand and slam the door. My car pulls out of the driveway with jerky, angered motions and I watch as Braden waves at me. Our eyes meet, and though he can’t see me, I can see him all too well. I crank up the radio and drive home with my knuckles white on the steering wheel, but when I pull into my own driveway and turn the ignition off I find myself crying. I sit in my car a long time, just thinking and letting myself cry. I'm out of friends, out of luck. And the only person I know I can trust to support me I just walked out on. I pull out my phone and dial a number. A number I’ve known by heart but haven’t dialed in a long time.
On the third ring he picks up. “Braden?”
“Hey, Kaylie.”
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
I have to say that this is an amazing story about forgiveness and friendship. At least that is the theme I found in it. A girl who has lost everything that she thought was important (popularity, the cool kids) and she is left with only one "real" friend left, even if she doesn't realize that that's what he is.
I especially like the fact that you didn't make it an instant forgiveness. It wasn't like she came back and he was all happy for her finally being his friend again. No. He made her understand just what she did to him and how much she messed up. That's a "real" friend. They call you on the crap and after all the words have been exchanged they reach down, put you on your feet, brush off the dust and say "You ready to move on now?"
Braden being upset with what happened, yet confident enough in himself to let it go, is the highlight of this story for me. She went there because she had no where left to go and even though he was angry with her, he still provided her the friend she was desperately looking for.
I have no nitpicks about this story. The flow is perfect and the reactions of the two characters is well played, almost like you rehearsed it over and over until the wording and reactions were perfect. Well done.
Looking forward to reading more. Happy Writing!
Thanks for the review Swordsman! You got this theme right on point, though I suppose themes are really up to the reader. : ] Thanks again for the review and Happy Writing to you also!
Hello JoyTheBrave, I'm here to leave a review
I'm a strong beliver in show not tell, and I think in this spot would be a good place to do that.
I feel like this diagloue doesn't properly depict how Mrs. Liring feels about the situation. When you were describing her she seemed a little uncomfortable about what was happening maybe have her question Kaylie's motives and then let her in?
This doesn't really make sense to me, if he's blind I wouldn't think he would be texting that much. In fact, as I read the story it didn't really seem to realistic. How he just magically knew where Kaylie's car was going to be and where the window was.
I also feel that the argument needs to be stretched out longer. The conversation went south too quick. It's nice to have a buildup. I also think the way the problems is resolved is weird. She was just at his house and he was mad at her, and she left upset. Why would she call him again? I get wanting to rekindle a friendship but I feel like they way things were when Kaylie left, Braden wouldn't answer the phone.
All in all, I was intrigued with your story. The first sentence really pulled me in.
Keep on Writing!
Hey, JoyTheBrave! Love your username, by the way!
Anyway...getting down to business. I've done a few reviews, so I believe I'm finally getting the hang of it, but if it's not to the standard, I apologise in advance. Haha!
I love the way you introduced the two main characters: Kaylie and Braden. You gave the readers so little to understand the whole picture, but once the dialogue between them began, you brought out the true story behind the reason why they had not talked for four years. It was very well done!
I rather like the ending, how Kaylie realises that, despite Braden's reaction to her visit, she does not want to give up the friendship. But, if I may, I'd like to give you some advice on how to improve it to a certain extent. When Kaylie parks in her driveway, she begins to cry and dials Braden's number. To expand on this, perhaps it would be more effective if she were to enter her bedroom, cry out of frustration and regret, then maybe she is gazing upon a framed photo of her and Braden as kids. This sparks a memory and the readers experience Kaylie's flashback. After reminiscing, Kaylie dials Braden's number. The short amount of dialogue could be a slightly altered version of the first few lines you gave the readers at the beginning of your story or perhaps a reference to the "card tower".
Just a suggestion, you do not have to change the ending if you wish not to.
The reason why Kaylie did not speak to Braden for four years was very realistic and believable. You clearly put some thought into this scenario, as the reaction of Braden was very effective and almost saddening. Wonderful job!
I believe you are a good story writer, my friend! I genuinely look forward to the many more wonderful works of fiction that you will create!
MissLyricz x
Thank you!
You're very much welcome!
Hi there!
Just a few things before I get into the specifics of the review.
I really enjoy this story. When I read a short story I'm looking for that one part of a character(s) life that defines them, makes them special or something along those lines. I definitely see that in this piece. Even without knowing the full backstory of the relationship between Kaylie and Braden, their interaction gives me the entire story. I think you chose the perfect scene to make this story work. Kaylie is coming to ask for forgiveness, but it's obvious from the beginning that she's not going to get it. Very cool.
Reading through this again I feel a bit overwhelmed by how quickly the conversation escalates to an argument. I understand that there are hard feelings between the two of them, but it's been three years. That's a long time. Wouldn't the first thing to happen be them actually catching up? I was looking for a "How have you been?" or a "Is school kicking your butt or what?" There's always that small talk when you first run into someone, especially if it's been a while. The way it's written right now it feels like Braden has been just waiting to pick this fight. It comes out too fast.
There's some emotion missing in this piece. We get some good dialogue tags during the argument, but that's about it. The one place that I found to have the most emotion is at the end where Kaylie speeds away from Braden's house and then realizes that she's the one all alone. The language used to build images works well. I wanted to see that throughout the rest of the story as well. For example, what is she thinking during the fight? Use those dialogue tags to find a way past just describing the words spoken. Take this line for example:
There are so many emotions behind these few words. Bring them out. Do Braden's words make her face flush? Her hands clench? We get the emotion of the words, but we don't get the internal emotions. A writing exercise I've come to be fond of is expanding on every last dialogue in my writing. I end up cutting out most of it by the final draft, but it's a good way for me to see if I have enough in there to really portray the characters's feelings.
Onto the specifics.
Yaaaas. I absolutely love this opening line. It brought up so many questions in my mind, making me guess who this lady is and why the MC doesn't know her anymore. Then as I read on it all made sense. Opening lines like this help to engage the reader from the jump.
I want to focus on Mrs. Liring's reactions for a moment. The first time we meet her she's cool toward Kaylie. After reading through the entirety of this I can see why. However, then she has a bit of a lapse in this dialogue:
(minor grammar check: always put a comma before someone's name in dialogue like this) Now she's more upbeat and polite. From what I see of her in the beginning this feels out of character. The part after this where she opens the door almost grudgingly fits right in. But it's polar opposites from this dialogue. I imagined Kaylie having to make the first move from Mrs. Liring's first reaction. It just doesn't seem like she wants to let Kaylie in.
Quick nitpick here. Mrs. Liring says that it's been four years, but later Braden says Kaylie hasn't texted him back in three years. I guess if Kaylie officially stopped talking to Braden three years ago but hadn't come over in four that would work. However, I think you should consider keeping it consistent. It's a bite confusing when we're trying to piece together the timeline of the story.
Gah. Why you have to write so good??
So I totally appreciate the fill in here, but I feel like it's not Braden's to say. He knows that he's blind, Kaylie knows that he's blind. Why is he putting so much emphasis on the fact? Just stating that she left him for another group of friends and went on to tease him herself would work well. Not to mention I like the idea of keeping his blindness a mystery for a little while. (Don't change it if you don't want to. I'm only saying that's how I would do it, but it's obviously not my work. I'm not trying to force anything on to you ^_^) When I first read about his eyes staring right through her I knew something was up. I just didn't know what. Then when he mentions being blind it all made sense and the mystery was solved. Personally I'm not a big fan of such a quick reveal.
This dialogue falls a bit flat and is confusing. I had to read it a few times to really understand. There has to be an emphasis on one of these words to show that she's saying this in reaction to how Braden said his last bit of dialogue. If it's written like this: "You just have to be sarcastic don't you?" we can tell that she's mad at his sarcastic tone.
I get that the title is "Card Towers", but I'm missing the connection here. I think it's cool that it's mentioned so I can relate the title. However there seems to be a much bigger story behind this card tower, especially since he says 'remember' there at the end. What is it about these card towers that means so much to them and gets her so upset? I wonder if there's another place that this can be placed in order to have it make the connection be more clear.
The ending resolution seems a bit too fast for me. So now Braden is willing to talk to Kaylie? He was just arguing with her earlier. I'd expect some time to go by for them to chill before any resolution is made. Think about it. I mean, maybe this long time she spends in the car is long enough for them both to cool off. I just don't expect for them to hit it off again right away.
Overall this is a sweet story. I like sweet stories ^_^ Your characterization is pretty strong. There's a lot of dialogue, but you're able to build such a story through it. I feel like I have a good grasp on each of these characters (although I'm not exactly sure of Mrs. Liring's feelings toward Kaylie ;P) and it's shown to us very well. By the end I feel so bad for Kaylie and wish that she had never fallen out with Braden. I don't know any of the specifics of their backstory, but this is enough to make me feel for both of them.
I do hope you write more short stories! The description says this is your first so I'm assuming you haven't written any before :3 Your story telling is on point. I truly enjoyed reading this.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Your suggestions really helped me. Thank you!
Joy
Hi Joy! I really liked the way this is written, and only have a few tidbits (this is my second review ever, so give me some leeway :p).
First off, the section in the middle, where there is a lot of dialog, I would suggest that you break that up a bit, and put in some of Kaylie's thoughts in there. For example, when Braden says that he "fully planned on keeping that promise", you could put in a paragraph about how this surprised Kaylie (if it did) and that it made her soften her irritated perspective on the direction of the conversation (if it did).
The only other thing that I paused at while I was reading this short story was when Kaylie yelled "How dare you!". I don't know why, and maybe it's just me, but this seemed like an odd way to express her surprise and outrage. Again, I may just be reading it wrong, but I can't even provide an example of an alternative for you, because I can't figure out why it sounds weird. Sorry about that.
All in all, I really liked this short story, and I kind of hope you write a continuation (can people do that?) to this story. I also really like the way you ended it.
Let me know if this was at all helpful!
Thanks Caterpickle. You review really well for only your second time! Kudos! This was really helpful. Thanks again,
Joy
I must admit, I really liked this little story. You definitely have a message here that everyone can apply to their lives, and that makes for a wonderful piece of writing. I could tell that this is something that means a lot to you.
The best details were in the dialogue. You did a wonderful job of "show, don't tell" and without much exposition at all the we are able to see into the past of these two ex-friends. The only time you could work on this is when he mentions being blind twice. I get that he is using it to try and sting her, but it seems like it is something someone who is looking for pity would say, not something to say when you are trying to zing someone.
Something you may add for the sake of me being able to read more of your amazing writing is what he means when he talks about a card house and then saying "remember." I take it there was something important in their past to do with card houses, but I'd like to know what. Did she make them with him, helping him because he couldn't see or something like that? Why would card houses have an impact on her that he's looking for with those words?
The final bit is about the key? Why is it special? Again, I imagine something in their past regarding a key happened, but we don't know what. I don't even know if that is the case. Just a bit more would be wonderful.
You are very passionate about this, I can tell. I have had similar experiences, on both sides. I can connect with this story, and that is great for an author to make that personal connection with the audience.
Message me with any questions.
I loved it. Keep up the amazing work.
~Q
Thank you so much Questio! It's always hard for me to know how much I'm actually getting across to the reader, so your review was really helpful. I'm glad you could enjoy the story and relate to it.
Thanks again,
Joy
Hello, I am Danny and I will be reviewing your work today. To start off, I will give you the positive outlook then shift into the negative outlook. Alright, let's begin.
I adored the structure of this work, it was easy to read and follow. Plus, some people forget to break the paragraphs when another character is speaking, you did not. I also admired the flow of this creation and the lovely dialogue as well, those words were very effective upon the reader which in this case was me. Another thing is the emotion you placed in between the two characters, this made a very interesting feeling...Something I cannot explain unfortunately. The clever usage of strong words was amazing, it gave the piece that professional appearance that everyone craves for.
Alright, this is my own opinion meaning that you don't have to fix it if you don't want to. I have found this little section a bit odd, it somewhat disrupted my flow of reading. It was because of the one word...
The word sort threw me off, it might make some sense but to me it doesn't for some reason. I had to re-read it over and over again out loud and it just didn't sound right to me. Perhaps you can re-read it and think about it for a minute. If it does not sound right then replace it with a more...correct word I guess. Besides that, that was the only problem I had with that specific section.
Alright, what I have noticed is that these well constructed paragraphs were a bit too plain. By that I mean they were too short and somewhat unexciting. They need more. Take this one for example....
Instead of leaving it at that, you could describe her tone. Was she offended or uncomfortable? Did she know where this conversation was going to go? Describe the things she is thinking and feeling, add a little body to this paragraph and just go crazy. Use that incredible imagination you possess and make this piece more full.
I have found a little error here...
You have left out the second quotation mark on the end. But this is common, people make minor mistakes. I just thought I would point out this one so you can fix it in a snap.
Well, that is all I had to say. I hope to see more of your outstanding works in the future my friend. Continue writing and I will be here to read and give you reviews! Cheers!
Thank you for the review, Danny. You're input was/is really helpful to me. I'll be looking at the places you've mentioned and see what I can do to make them more clear. Thank you again.
-Joy