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E - Everyone

I need you to stay

by JoyfulMelody


I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

 Yet I can't even hear myself.

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

 Yet I can't even say goodbye.

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

 But tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

 Yet I'm falling across down the cliff.

I say I say, "I'm fine."

I say, "I'm okay."

 Yet I'm crying beside you.

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

I say, "I'm not crying, crying, crying."

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

But I never was okay.

I never wanted this world.

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

But I'm not.

I'm not ready for you, to leave me.

I say, "I'm fine."

But I can't even let you go.

I say, "I'm fine."

Yet I'm crying all over 'gain.

I say, "I'm fine." 

But I can't let you go.

I say, "I'm okay."

But I can't bear this anymore.

I need you to stay, 

I need you to be with me.

I'm not fine, I'm not okay.

I need you to stay.

I need you to be with me. 
I can't hold this anymore.

I'm not fine.


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Tue Sep 15, 2020 10:03 pm
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hello there! I wanted to stop by real quick and review these lyrics of yours. ^^

A thing I would like to start with is consistency. There is a lot of repetition in this, as well as parallelism. Word choices really matter when it comes to repeating a certain term over and over in a poem/song. Since these lyrics is a lot more straight-forward rather than figurative/metaphorical, I would suggest either trim down the many times "fine" is included, or shorten these lyrics a little bit, as I think that repeating a word emphasizes what it means and what it represents, but if it's mentioned a multitude of times, a word can kind of lose its meaning.

In addition, I want to know what you want to do with this song since there aren't any separate sections: i.e. chorus, verse, which is fine, but the flow/rhythm of this falls a bit flat as I'm kind of clueless to how this might be meant to be viewed as. I would definitely suggest some stanzas, of some kind, to section these ideas out just a bit and let the reader flow through each section. It can be a bit difficult keeping with each idea when all of these lines kind of bleed together. So, when thinking about editing this, I think a few stanzas, four-to-six lines would look good!

As far as the actual lyrics, I'm not sure on my stance. The overall message of needing someone/reaching out for help/not telling the truth about how you are feeling is definitely relatable, but I'm not sure if it's effective in this current form. The refrain of "I'm fine, fine fine" is a bit point-blank, and is mentioned a bit too often, in my opinion. I would really suggest to count up how many times "fine" and "okay" is used, and determine whether you'd want that to be part of a chorus, or find another way to keep that message intact without repeating too many times.

Another bit of advice I would have for you is choice one or two words/ideas to repeat. The rest should be unique lines, at least to a certain extent, so that you can emphasize a message or two while allowing for the reader to get more entwined in this idea. I think that's all I have to say for right now, but I think you've got a good idea here!




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Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:44 am



i love this and its so ture




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Thu Aug 20, 2020 6:12 pm
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MoonIris wrote a review...



Hi, joyfullmelody,
I'm here with a review. At first, I thought it was a poem but after reading grainne review I realized it's a song. Music is a big part of my life and I was excited to review this.
First of all the message is beautiful and sad at the same time. It's a lovely topic for a song.
Now, the negative part. I tried to hum a melody to these lyrics just to get an idea. While doing it I realized that the repetition of "I'm fine" was too many times. At a point, it became tiring to keep reading "I'm fine". Don't get me wrong this repetition is also what is making it so moving. But in the beginning:
"I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

Yet I can't even hear myself.

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

Yet I can't even say goodbye.

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."

But tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I say, "I'm fine, fine, fine."
It felt tiring to read this much of "I'm fine". Maybe you could say "I'm fine" only twice in one or two lines? But after all, you are the author and you decide.
In the end, I loved this song. It was very touching. I hope my review was helpful and didn't offend you in any way. :)




JoyfulMelody says...


Thank you MoonIris! I'm glad you liked this song. Your review was really helpful. And it didn't offend me in a single way. Thank you so much for the suggestion, I'll definitely consider it.
Thank you again for reviewing this! Have a wonderful day!



MoonIris says...


:)



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Thu Aug 20, 2020 5:12 pm
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grainne wrote a review...



Hi JoyfulMelody! Grainne here with a review on your song lyrics. As a musician myself, it's fun to see other people sharing songs on here. The whole time I was reading your lyrics, I kept starting to sing them to my own melody and wishing we had a snippet of the music to hear what it's supposed to sound like!

First off, what a touching song. It's full of emotion and I can see the right melody really making this song special. As I was reading it, I kept wondering, where's the chorus? Usually, when I'm reading lyrics, there's some sort of story or message coming across in the verses and then a chorus that matches the theme.

It might be interesting to tell your story in separate verses, and then make the "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine" part of a chorus. I could see "I need you to stay, I need you to be with me, I'm not fine, I'm not okay, I need you to stay" being the chorus as well. That might make the song flow more naturally with the story being told across verses and the main message really being driven home in a catchy chorus.

Second, you might want to consider adding breaks to set apart the verses. That's totally up to you - if you want this to be one flowing ballad-like song, great! If you want it to be a more traditional song, it would help to see where one verse ends and the next verse begins. That could also help you make sure a complete idea is coming through each section of the song.

Finally, there's a lot of repetition in this song. You can totally pull that off with the right type of music and performance. However, I'd love to see a few more unique ideas and a little more of the story. Maybe in a few words you could tell a little more about what made this person you can't let go so special. Maybe you could share a hope for the future. Something like that could make the song more interesting and powerful!

It's always a little strange reviewing a song without the music, because so much depends on the way the song is performed! Despite that, I hope at least something of my comments was helpful. Always great to hear from fellow musicians here, so keep on writing!




JoyfulMelody says...


Thank you so much grainne! I'll definitely consider the suggestions you made! Thank you, you're review as really helpful, especially from a real musician, it is very comforting that I'm not the only one publishing a lyric.
I didn't post the music because I'm not really good a remembering the beat of the song, and I'm not really good at singing as I'm with writing things. I'm sorry, maybe I should have posted the music, but when I first wrote this song I was too emotional and I was really crying myself. I usually start to sing and making the song when I have overwhelming emotions without even realizing myself. And this song at first didn't carry any romantic crestfallen lyrics.
Thank you again for your review and your kind suggestions! Have a nice day!




I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins