Prompt: The demon stands amid your destroyed kitchen screaming, “How? How were you able to summon me?!” You’re standing in the corner flipping through your grandma’s cookbook as fast as you can, screaming back, “I don’t know!! You were supposed to be chicken soup!”
It could be that I’m bad at cooking, or it could be that the cookbook was really a potion book in disguise, but either way, I just summoned a fucking demon.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
“Would you like some coffee?” I politely offer to the demon I was just screaming at, trying not to panic as I flip through the cookbook and peer down at the pot. The soup is entirely a different color, and there are mystery chunks in my soup that aren't in the picture.
“You don’t understand. I’m a first-tier demon. No one can summon me. Ever. People have tried.”
“Would you like to take a look at the book? I have no idea what I did, have no idea what you just said means, and severely apologise for inconveniencing you.”
He roughly grabbed the book out of my hands and studied it intently, biting his lower lip. “I don’t know either, but I don’t like it.” He twirls his finger, and a chair appears behind him. He sits, and another whirl of his fingers made a cup appear in front of him. Conveniently, a mug also appeared in front of me, and a sip determines it to be tea. Oh my God, seriously?!
When he sees the face I make, he grins. “I prefer tea, but it seems to be an added bonus that you don’t like it.”
Asshole.
A squall brings both of our attentions to the other room. Damn it! “Good gracious, what the ever-loving hell is that?” He says incredulously, as if he had never heard a baby cry. Knowing what he was, he probably hadn’t.
“I’m watching Kathy’s youngest while she takes Amy to ballet. She’ll be back in half an hour, giving me just enough time to make dinner and pick up her other children. But I fucking messed up soup, and I don’t have enough time to call for a pizza, and I have to take the screamer to the bus stop-do you have any fucking idea how hard it was to get her to sleep in the first place?”
He grabs me by the arms. “If you don’t shut up and breathe in five seconds, I’m going to make you. Just go get the damn kids. I’ll call pizza, because you’re paying and I’m eating.”
I blink. “What the fuck? What about the damn baby?”
“Forget about the damn baby.” He smirks then snaps his fingers menacingly. The wailing that had been going on for the entire conversation died off suddenly.
Oh no,” I moaned, thinking about how mad Kathy will be with me if she finds out what ever the fuck this guy did to her ball of torture. “What did you do?”
Stretching like a cat, he popped the kinks out of his shoulders. Would have been kinda cute, but for the pop. Gross. Not to mention he’s a demon, you fool! “Chill out, she’s fine. SHe’ll just be out of it for a few hours.”
“Great, thanks. Guess I’ll be going now. The number to the pizza place is on the fridge. Courtesy of Kathy.” Grabbing my coat, I chance a kiss on his cheek. “I’m Caroline, by the way.”
Flouncing out, I don’t see the blush spreading on his cheeks, or his hand reaching up to touch his face where my lips had touched, but I do hear him call out, “I’m Zach.”
The blush transfers over to my cheeks. I think I have a- God forbid it, I’m not in high school anymore-crush. Guess I’m gonna have to make chicken soup more often.
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey Josie24!
Hope you don't mind if I drop by for a review today!
I really like the first paragraph, especially for a hook! However, it feels like it lessens the impact slightly with the second line? That energy is already there in the "I just summoned a freaking demon", so emphasising that immediately afterwards dampens the impact of the first one.
Rather than just saying "it was an entirely different colour", why not be specific? "The soup, which had previously been a nice, soup-like brown, was now bubbling and also violet." <- soups are not supposed to be violet. It's unsettling and also really out of place and has much more oomph to it then "it's a different colour" because that doesn't really mean much on it's on.
Also! Watch the repetition of "soup" (I know in my example I did not adhere to that, but in my defence, that was for comical reasons to emphasise how not-soup-like it looked prior to demon summoning). I might change the second line to something like "There's mystery chunks bobbing in the broth now that certainly aren't in the picture."
This seems like an odd response to me? I was under the impression this demon had just appeared, and Caroline's panicked-trying-not-to-panic response was to offer him coffee. But the demon hasn't tried to insist on anything yet, or said anything to make her "understand" something. It feels like I missed out on a part of a conversation, but I'm not sure why you wouldn't have shown that part?
The way this is phrased doesn't...really make sense? I know what she's going for, and I know that she's panicking, so stumbling over words is fine, but this is worded in a way that doesn't really seem to be stumbling so much as the sentence is just jumbled? Something like: "I have no idea what I did, or what anything you just said means, or anything else that's happening, and I severely apologise for inconveniencing you, this was completely an accident, I have no idea what just happened." <- I added filler to her dialogue while clarifying her sentence, because she's panicking but doesn't seem to be like, incoherent. So, I made what she said make sense in how it was laid out, but I also added rambling so that it's clear she is still freaking out about what's going on.
where? is it floating in midair?? is it just in her hands??? this is so distressing
yes, if I accidentally summoned a demon who, for some reason, offered me a beverage, I would definitely drink it.
I know this is light-hearted humorous, and maybe my Dark and Angsty writing style is threatening to invade in my reviews, but the transition from the demon being pretty angry/confused/upset/etc that he was summoned to suddenly just giving her tea and being amused about it was jarring? I would add a little more substance to the scene and made the emotional shift a little smoother, so that he doesn't go from angry/confused>snarky. It just feels forced right now.
This is a weird addition? It's already implied by the question he's asking, so this just feels like a filter or like you were worried that the reader wouldn't get that from the question he asked (even though it is directly in correlation with, you know, not knowing what a baby sounds like) or that there was a baby in the house?
Why is she telling him this the way she is? This guy doesn't know who Kathy or Amy is (nor do the readers). He's also a (high level apparently) demon. Again, I know you're going for the humour, but then I might change the demon's like, status and/or demeanor or something, so that it doesn't feel like he's just nice for the sake of the plot. He's a demon!! Demons are spooky!! There's no reason this couldn't be goofy and still have him pose at least a little bit of a threat (also balance! it makes the humour stand out more if you have a contrast).
do they have pizza delivery service in hell?? how does he know about these things?? he said he shouldn't be able to be summoned and also doesn't know what a baby sounds like but knows other things about human etiquette and culture???
But...it was only mentioned halfway through the short? in the middle of their conversation?
"kathy I summoned a demon and he did Something to your baby sorry"
I'm not saying there's no way that some sort of romance could have been initiated here, but they just seem really friendly with each other really quickly? It feels rushed, and I know you don't have a lot of time in a short, but I'd really like to see this led into with a little more pacing.
This really shouldn't be in here unless you were writing with an omniscient narrator. But we're in Caroline's perspective, and Caroline doesn't know this is happening. I know there's always the instinct of wanting to include things like this (how many times has this bitten me because I really wanted one character to not see something but the reader to know and I COULDN'T), but it still shouldn't be there. Again, unless it's an omniscient narrator.
I know I complained a lot, but this is a cute idea. I've seen this prompt before (or at least something like it), so I'm really happy to see that somebody wrote it! This is also a fun way of interpreting it, making it so domestic. I'd like to see the domestic rest more heavily with Caroline and take away some of that from Zach (have him be a little more intimidating/uncertain of human culture/etc), but I do think this is a cool premise for a short.
That is all I have for today! If you have any questions or comments about anything I said, please feel free to let me know!
Otherwise, I hope you have a wonderful time! Happy RevMo!
Ok, this is amazing. I love this, this is absolutely hilarious.
She summoned a demon while trying to make soup, that is incredible.
This short story(?) is really well written and the premise, my goodness, the premise is amazing. I love the dialogue, and really enjoyed their interactions. I also cannot get over that this demons name is Zach. Fricking Zach. This demons name is ZACH!
Sorry, it's just so ridiculously amazing, lol.
The fact that Caroline seems so chill considered she just summoned a literal demon just adds to the ridiculousness of it all.
One thing I want to note is that she has A CRUSH on a DEMON she just ACCIDENTLY SUMMONED who she's known for about FIVE MINUTES. Makes me think accidently summoning a demon is pretty normal in this world.
One critique I have is to add a little more detail to Zachs appearance. It would really flesh out the narrative.
Anyway, that's all from me! This was really enjoyable, and I hope to see more from you soon!
A hoy hoy,
This story was really good. It’s funny, and I like funny and sometimes I feel like we don’t see enough funny stories around in the world anymore. Cough cough- i also write funny if you wanted to check that out- cough cough, (sorry, please excuse that improper snippet of self-advertisement that somehow snuck in here). Anyway, without further ado here are some general comments;
First, this story was short which then obviously leads to a problem that it is difficult to avoid when you have a piece of this length; the pacing becomes rushed. A lot of information is conveyed very quickly and it is somewhat overwhelming, as well as the very fast progression from Caroline and Zach yelling at each other in confusion to a small budding ‘romance’. Is it possible that you could lengthen the story? I’m all for flash fiction but something with a premise as strong as this would be infinitely helped by having a longer story that helps cover the entire concept as well as spacing out the possibility of romance to a much more realistic pace.
Second, though I have already mentioned that there is a lot of information crammed into this there is one aspect which I feel was left untouched. The book. How do you disguise the instructions for summoning a demon as a recipie for chicken soup? Where did she find the book? Why would her grandmother have this book in the first place? The questions...
I suggest adding an extra paragraph or two whilst they’re looking at the book, maybe a bit of description or a quick rundown of possible doubts Caroline had while making the soup, (eg. this involves a lot more chanting then I remember any other recipie having).
And that about wraps it up from me. Before I go though, I’d just like to add that my favourite part was definitely when she asked Zach if he’d like a coffee. The timing and situation was perfect.
Keep writing because this was really entertaining despite being so short.
Have a nice day!
- H.G
Hi!
. It is not what you read about every day.
So first off, LOL. This is incredibly funny in a weird way because...well imagine it, summoning a demon while trying to cook chicken soup
About the story as a whole, I have to say the humor in the first part got me. I didn't how she did it, but the female character was quite calm during it all. The heck, she even offered it coffee! I knew I would be out cold by now if the same thing happened to me. She is a brave soul, that one.
Onto another thing, is this part of a story or novel? Because I feel like I am missing on some information. I mean what is with the cook book in the first place? Furthermore, things escalated quite quickly after the kiss on the cheek. One moment the demon was bossing her around and the next moment, she kissed him. Ok, I get it she is a brave girl, but isn't that a bit too fast. It is a demon for heavens sake, and even if he is hot, he's still a freaking demon.
Overall, I love the humor, but I just thought it was a bit fast. Sorry if my review offend you in anyway. But still, I think you did a good job.
Ok...enough with my rambling
Have a nice day and Keep up the good work!
Tere.