The man from Sulphur Creek had been very serious when he said that no man should travel alone in that country after 50 below zero. I really should have listened to the old man. Earlier on today I managed to build a roaring fire, but I carried on. Maybe if I had turned around and actually listened to the dog, I wouldn’t be in this current situation. The dog was intelligent or maybe he, unlike me listened to his natural instinct. This was to stay where you are and wait it out. Wait until it gets warmer. But no we left the safety of the fire and into deaths arms. Here’s what happened today. When I needed warmth and heat as though life and death depended on it, death toyed with me. And I played along. I lit the flame; built a small fire all while my body froze. The flame caught and danced, so did my spirits. For a moment the panic mitigated and I thought all was well. I’ll get to the boys by 7 instead. Then it happened. In the Yukon tundra during winter it snows very heavily. In my case the little pieces had congregated together and formed snowballs up above in the pine needles. Pulling out the sticks to build a fire had caused the tree to tremble, each time a little stick was pulled out. Suddenly one tremble dislodged one plot of snow on the branches. This plot of snows journey downwards dislodged several plots of snow. The result? A domino effect, and a fresh blanket of snow beneath the tree. No fire, frozen fingers, toes, feet, face and legs. I was officially doomed but some part of me refused to acknowledge that sentence. I tried again, but my frozen fingers weren’t even part of my body anymore, I had to look to see whether I was making contact with the matches. Whilst building a new foundation I only had one thought running through my mind. I really should have listened to the old man.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,882 Literary Works • 672,787 Reviews
Well this was an entertaining story... (No that did not sound sadist at all...) The story was good, and I liked your way of creating tension by giving the reader one part of the story at a time. The language was good, and had a nice flow, something that is realy uncommon in the stories on this site. Having the old man as red line in the story was also really clever. For such a short story, this is definatly really good. Not much to say about the character, in this short format there isn't that much room for character developement. There are no major misspellings, (aka none I noticed, wich aint saying a lot XD) Anyways, good story. I enjoyed it. Keep writing, you're good at it.
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Okay, this is a cool piece. I'm going to review as I go, okay?
Just spell the word fifty instead of 50.
Comma after "no". And you need to add something after "and". Maybe like this...
Or headed straight. Your choice.
Same as the one above. You need to spell out the word seven instead of 7.
Okay, no.1 "this plot of SNOW". No.2 "Journeys". No.3 Comma after downwards. No.4 I think it should be "dislodging". No.5
Last one for this part.You say plot twice in the same sentence. Redundancy! Just change out the last or first one for piles of snow.I really like this part. Awesome image.
This is a great ending! Lots of suspense, leaves us wondering what is going to happen.
Okay, now I can get to the every last thing. Your paragraphs, or lack of them. Don't worry. Most new members need a few pointers when it comes to this.
See what I mean? A story is a idea, a, well, story. A chapter is a idea inside that idea, and a paragraph is an idea inside that idea. Whenever the idea changes or finds a new focus start a new paragraph.
Okay, that's all I could find. Please PM me when you come out with the next part of this. I really enjoyed it.
KEEP WRITING!
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! ^_^ It's awesome to see that you've already got your work up!
I have to say, I felt really bad for this guy; being out in the cold is not fun... unless you're dressed for it, and have some hot tea waiting for you inside once you're ready to come it. Poor guy.
For here I just wanted to suggest putting a coma after 'me', so it will look like: The dog was intelligent or maybe he, unlike me, listened to his natural instinct. It just flows better, in my opinion.
When saying numbers in writing, spell them rather then using the numbers themselves. I know that sounds dumb, but it just looks more professional- not professional, but it looks more... like more effort was put into it. Especially when you say a time of day; spell it out. So like, 7 equals: seven O'clock. In dialogue I don't think just saying 'seven' would be a problem when referring to the time... I don't know, maybe it's not so bad using it normally... It's up to you- but spell the numbers out, trust me, you'll get brownie points for that!
So here it sounds like they have no fire, no frozen fingers, legs, etc. That's a scary thought! But it can be fixed simply by rewording it like: No fire. My fingers, toes, legs, etc., were frozen. That's not the best example, but you get what I'm saying? It just sounds clearer, and clearer is very important in writing; you want people to understand the story for how it is. Of course, I'm not saying that you need to be paranoid about making every little thing perfectly clear and dumby-proof, but you know?
I will admit, I'm not really sure what this short is about. You have a guy freezing, you mention a dog ( not sure what's with the dog do be honest ), and you also mention an old guy. But I have no idea what they have to do with anything, and why you're writing about them. I'm not trying to be mean, you've got a pretty good start here, but I'm just confused. I know you said that there will be a second part to this story, but still I should understand a few things about it!
More information would be lovely.
Other than that, great job! Keep it up!!!
-Socks
Thank you very much, your feedback was so helpful, to be honest i don't even know why he's in the situation he's in. The story our class had to base it on didn't say. But our teacher said if there were any gaps in the story we should make something up, and carry on. Thank you so much for your feedback
You're welcome! I'm glad you found it helpful!