The world's a lot more friendly when you're not alone. Trust me, I remember. I remember when "we" was a term I used to describe the relationship between you and me; 'We' were like one one being. Moving, dancing, singing, living in unison. But we were not together. Seperate city lines dissected the texts sent back and forth, not having to look far into it to see that we were in love. Two people with one heart and one goal, one drive; we wanted to be loved. That thought is what kept us together, but is also what aided in keeping us apart. You had been starved of love since you were a child, ignored by parents and friends, hated among relitives. You grew up under the impression you would die alone. I, on the other hand, was brought up the favorite. Family surrounded my, enclosing me in hugs and words of compassion. But you were my first true love. That school of mine back home consisted of a torn hallway, one half lovers, one half fighters, one-thousanth me. Knowing this, both sides raged on in a war with a common aspiration; to kill the enemy, in which case, was me. I was different, I dared to show color and life and feeling while the common drones and statues stood tall above my ambition, casting a shadow over my life. I left only a trace of sadness. But your girlfriend, your lover, she kept us apart with harsh words and threats of suicide and self harm, leaving you no choice but to stay. Our early converesations consisted of shared pain and loneliness, and telling the stories behind our faded scares. Seasons came and went, but our love towered over all. The shadows faded away into the bright light that I was, radiating our love like the sun in the sky. Seasons came and went, andsoon after, our love with it. The silence usually filled with buzzing phones and dinging chat bars screeched and screamed, making us cover our ears and hide from the people that told us they knew it would happen. Our conversations consisted of small talk and that silence alone, our thumbs too busy trying to type the words that we once said, our eyes too busy looking for the radience; Our minds too busy looking for the lost connection and the love that ran away with it.
The world's a lot more friendly when you're not alone. Trust me, I remember.
Well this is such a nice poem!! I mean you have got all this so nicely weaved together!
Although this is a bit long don't you think??
This has got some unnecessary parts too! Its emotions, expression, color and theme and stuff are absolutely fine but the length could be reduced and it would become a very nice poem!
I really liked the narration here and the descriptions were good too...but they ciuld be worked on. The grammar is fine as well just cannot help but feel that a bit revision would be of great help...like its sort of lacking its finishing touches....Good Work overall...
As kayfortnight pointed out, I too agree that structure is a big part of good poetry. The poem would be a lot clearer if it were properly spaced and organized into paragraphs.
Assuming that the poem is in free verse, it is quite difficult to comprehend the poem due to the lack of spacing.
"Seperate city lines dissected the texts sent back and forth, not having to look far into it to see that we were in love"
I get the gist of this line but you could have made it a little clearer by replacing a few pronouns in the second part of the line.
"Family surrounded my, enclosing me in hugs and words of compassion"
I think you what you wanted to say was, "Family surrounded me-"
Over all, I believe you have great potential. Your sentence formation skills are excellent. I'd also like to compliment you on your vocabulary. If you brush up a few things here and there, you can do wonders. Well done and keep writing.
Cheers,
Anagha
Kay here to rescue your work from the green room.
Structure is a huge part of a poem. You just leave all this in a big blob. Why don't you try separating it into lines and stanzas? For example,
This section would read much more like a poem and have a better structure if you did something like this:
The world's a lot more friendly
When you're not alone.
Trust me,
I remember.
I remember when 'we'
was a term I used to describe the relationship
Between you and me.
We were like one being.
Moving, singing, dancing in unison.
But we were not together.
See how I can create drama by the length of stanzas and of various lines? Try experimenting with different types of line break.
I really do like this poem. It shows a situation in which many deal with, and expresses deep emotion. I found a few spelling errors, but that's typical, in my writing I do it all the time. I did find this a little confusing, with the subject being slightly unclear. However, overall I must say its a pretty good poem, hope to see more from you!