Looking through the windscreen he saw fireworks shoot up and explode in the black sky like flowers, they reminded him of the first time he saw a colour television. The whole scene was distorted by the light drizzle slipping down the glass and the only sounds to be heard were his own freezing breath and the gentle roll of the freezing waves before him. He leant on the steering wheel with his head tucked between his arms and let each tear run its course from his eyes, down to the tip of his nose, then fall to his shoes. He raised his head and read the clock through half closed eyelids, it was midnight. He reached over and turned on the radio. Auld Lang Syne. Happy New Year.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Wow. This was really good. Short, of course, but still very good. The amount of description you use if amazing and can I really appreciate the way you manage to describe the man's character through so few words. I mean, I liked it so much tab I've been forced to simple grammar corrections in order to make this a proper review.
A space goes between the ',' and the 't'
It said freezing twice... did you mean to do that? I would suggest maybe choosing another word
Is that a person? A singer on the radio maybe? I don't know, it would definitely help if you were to explain more or choose a person that's commonly known so it makes more sense.
Hello Jordanavitch, I was scrolling through and saw your piece today. I'd like to start off with how much I enjoyed it. Sure it's small, but it shows detail. It does, however, need some fixing.
I feel as though you may have dropped a word here,
"The whole scene was distorted by the light drizzle slipping down the glass"
It took me a minute to realize you were talking about rain. I'd change it to, "The whole scene was distorted by the light drizzle of rain slipping down the glass." Another thing I'd like to comment on here would be the fact that just a second ago he was looking out a windscreen. I thought that was made out of mesh? (Correct me if I'm wrong)
The same sentence is quite a long one,
"The whole scene was distorted by the light drizzle slipping down the glass and the only sounds to be heard were his own freezing breath and the gentle roll of the freezing waves before him."
Try to break it up a bit like this
"The whole scene was distorted by the light drizzle slipping down the glass. With the rain the only sounds that could be heard were his own freezing breath, and the gentle roll of the waves before him." I pulled out one of the freezings, because it seemed redundant.
As I'm reading I'm getting more confused. Now it sounds like he's in a car! When I started reading I got the impression that he was in a house. Try to clear things like that up.
This sentence here could use a few tweaks. "He leant on the steering wheel with his head tucked between his arms and let each tear run its course from his eyes, down to the tip of his nose, then fall to his shoes"
Leant doesn't seem to quite fit, nor is it spelled right. Try to change it a little like this " He leaned onto the steering wheel with his head tucked between his arms. He let each tear run its course from his eyes, down to the tip of his nose, and then fall to his shoes." I also broke it up, because it was turning into a run on sentence.
Phew! Aren't you glad that's over? It was a great story, but it would have been outstanding if you had elaborated more. Anything I said in this review is my opinion, so you don't have to take the advice. It is your story after all. I enjoyed this piece and I do hope to see more work from you. Have a nice day, and welcome to YWS.
XD
Deadman
Nice short piece.
Instead of '..the black sky like flowers', it would've been better to write 'like blossoming flowers' (just my opinion).
But all the same, it's a great short. Cheers!