The next day, Derrik wasn't himself. You could clearly see that something was bothering him.
Sam didn't mention Brian once. She didn't want Derrik to keep thinking about his death.
"Got any websites today?" she asked Derrik playfully, trying to cheer him up.
"No." he replied plainly.
She looked away and then back at Derrik. He caught her eye and suddenly said, "You know Derrik was one of my most happiest friends, he loved life. It is unbelievable that he killed himself."
"Yeah." Sam replied and they didn't talk for the rest of the day.
Four days went by, without them talking hardly at all. On the fifth day without speaking, Derrik said something when he was getting off the bus.
"Hey, how about you come over tonight and talk." he said hopefully.
"Yeah, sure. I'll call you." Sam replied, happy he actually wanted to talk.
When Samantha got home, she went up to her room, and put her coat on the rack. She was about to call Derrik when she seen that her computer was on. The ghost video that she viewed yesterday was still playing.
I though I turned this off. She said. She leaned over and pressed the power button. It wouldn't turn off.
Come on you stupid computer, turn off. Samantha said quietly
The ghost turned and looked directly where Samantha was sitting and flashed a devilish smile.
Who created this site, It is a little creepy. Samantha thought
She had been so busy trying to get the computer off that she couldn't hear the phone ringing downstairs.
She went down the steps and picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Oh my god, Samantha, get off that website!" Derrik's voice on the other line said, frightened.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
write the next chapter now
The plot thickens! Dun, dun, duuuuuun!! xD
Your story reminds me of the ring. [shudders] I like this chapter a little more, so here comes the review!!
Change it to it's. More natural that way.
Just remove that part. Otherwise, they would have still not spoken to each other.
If she said it, use quotation marks.
I don't know why, but it feels like she's trying to say whoever made it was creepy, not just the site. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think she'd mention the creator just yet. ^^
Hod did he know she was on the site? Other than that, good cliffhanger. ^^
I'd like to know when Chap 3's up. Keep going!!
-Poppy
Hi again, Jordan!
To tell you the truth I went to this chapter before the first and I so confused. So, once I read the first chapter, I actually reviewed it. I haven't done that it awhile. I just wanted to say thanks for bringing me back into that!
Now onto the critique:
---
Grammar wise, there were just little things that you probably missed when writing. This chapter was shorter than the first, am I right? Anyway, here's the things that I caught:
Whoa. Wait. Did Derrik just say that he killed himself?
I think you meant to say Brian. XD
When she 'saw' that computer was was on.
If she couldn't hear the phone and was still struggling to turn off the computer, why did she go down to pick it up? Hm... maybe she psychic? Maybe you should change that a little bit to fit.
And now to the ghosty!
The ghost girl smiled... and that was it. I was really hoping for more than that, but this is only the second chapter.
*sigh* I'm just being impatient. If you have any thing you need to say or ask, PM me! I'll be waiting!
- kittykat