Sub-Zero Light Poles

Hello Jony, steampowered here with a review!

Firstly, can I say how much I enjoyed reading this? It was really well-written; it had enough humour in the opening to keep the reader engaged without it being too slapstick, and there was definitely some tension in the middle, before we realise the stranger is the father.

There’s no experience quite like getting your tongue stuck on almost sub-zero light poles.

For me, it involved frenching light poles and hoping the red of my face doesn’t attract wolves.

A new character for a video game I play had been released and I wanted to use him before my little brother did back in Minnesota

And miles to go before I- play video-games with my little brother.

Staring out across the snowy street, I watched as armies fell. Soldiers flew across their field, dying as they hit their enemy. Bodies piled as more men gave their lives to the cause they fought for. Nature is a never ending war, an unstoppable force fighting an immovable object. Soon the snow will melt, and be replaced by the buddings of flowers, and that cycle will continue. Neither winning, neither losing.

My heart dropped, I had left my brother in that house with no shield

“I didn’t want to leave you alone, again,” he finished as he released himself from our once fastened gaze- like a tongue from a sub-zero light pole.

Hi,

Sorry, I don't quite understand about all this symbolism, but I can relate them somehow, and I think that's understandable (because these symbolism sounds too forced...), and this story is really touchy. I can put myself as the MC, but the parents' fighting things and this brother. My parents divorced an my brother is gone for real. This piece is scarcely great because there are some faults here and there (and sorry for being nitpicky) and yet, you able to cover them with great emotions. And you mixed some tenses in this...

The story begins with simple explanations and slow. They are some confusions on it, but I can interpret them, somehow. I like about the wolves part. However, I think you could use some more details on how "red of my face" would attract "the wolves". This is a short story after all. You couldn't dwell on many matters like novel. Focus on little things too much and you find your short story goes wrong. I recommend you to only make things, elaborate a little and finish off the things. Don't ever-ever make many cliffhangers that you couldn't end them. There are some in your story that I wish you to find out yourself... Reread and focus on small things and you'll find them. Sometimes, descriptions could be a faint cliffhanger.

A new character for a video game I play had been released and I wanted to use him before my little brother did back in Minnesota.

The street around me was empty, the roads blanketed in downy flake. I was blocks away from the now abandoned University, and I could see my tiny dormitory in the distance. All of my roommates must be gone by now, I thought.

I promised I would play with him online as soon as my last class got out. But at this point, I just wanted to rip my tongue off and go flirt with the barista at our local coffee shop, hoping she would feel pity for the tongueless nerd and give me free hot chocolate.

His thin black hair hung in pleated clumps against his tissue-paper scalp. He wore a black and white suit, the fabric folding as the shades expanded and contracted, his legs fidgeting. Head swiveling around the room like an owl, he scrutinized every detail. He turned around and I threw myself to the side of the door, my head peeking out just enough to see his face. His eyes were filled with a foggy sadness made from the fumes of his sighs. Warm air escaped his body into the cold space, the grey juxtaposed against the black wallpaper. I stared at his unfamiliar, wrinkled face, instead of laughter lines he had desolation dimples. His shoulders sloped, bones protruding from the oversized suit.

I wanted to call the police, but I felt myself attracted to the man, like iron caught in the magnetic field of his despair. I continued to sit, my back propped up against the side of the porch. Staring out across the snowy street, I watched as armies fell. Soldiers flew across their field, dying as they hit their enemy. Bodies piled as more men gave their lives to the cause they fought for. Nature is a never ending war, an unstoppable force fighting an immovable object. Soon the snow will melt, and be replaced by the buddings of flowers, and that cycle will continue. Neither winning, neither losing.

I thought back to my life in Wisconsin- ice hockey, hot chocolate, roughhousing with my brother or playing with my now deceased dog. But, just as every budding flower dies come winter, so did my thoughts. My father and mother fighting about money come Christmas, threatening divorce each year, swears thrown like spears. My heart dropped, I had left my brother in that house with no shield. There is no doubt in my mind that every time he texts me asking to play video games online, he is trying to escape from my parents own personal war. I felt an onslaught of emotions as I sat there, my arms wrapped around my bent legs, head propped. But I don’t cry.

Crossing the street, I smiled as I reached my doorstep and saw a Christmas present left for me from what I assumed to be my roommates. I was the only one who stayed in town for break, since traveling to Minnesota was out of my current budget and my cheap lawyer of a father barely helped me pay for college. The present was wrapped in mirror-like blue paper, with little ‘centurions’ speckled across. I stooped to grab the present but froze as I looked through the door window, a strange man was sitting, back to me, on the couch.

My uninvited visitor turned to face me, his features bony and body rigged in shock as I hugged him, even after being out in a winter war-zone, I could feel my body heat contrast against his freezing, fragile body. I could feel tears trickle down my face, like torrents of triste. I cried until I dropped the two plane tickets for Wisconsin that had been clutched in my now shaking hands. My body latched to my now frail, almost unrecognizable father like a tongue against a sub-zero light pole.

Grammar feedback much appreciated.