I tell my friends I'm gone for good,
Lost in a white, black lined land.
Au revoir to my love,
Goodbye to my friends.
The smell of paper dew,
Mornings in this land, always new.
I'm always running through;
This smell of brand new paper dew.
Jogging from plane to plane;
White landscapes bordered by night.
When I enter this land,
I disappear from sight.
The smell of paper dew,
Mornings in this land, always new.
I'm always running through;
This smell of brand new paper dew.
There is no explanation,
For the feeling of this metaphorical,
Temptation.
Except I'm driven by this sensation.
I have a new life
In frost slick, white peaks,
Everything unique
Until I see the scythe.
I tell my friends I'm gone for good,
Lost in a white, black lined land.
Au revoir to my love,
Goodbye to my friends.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Awesome job. I liked the imagery, the feeling, everything. While I get picky over using more than one language in a poem (I don't know why) I think your use of "Au revoir" only enhanced the works.
"Except I'm driven by this sensation" looks like it was cramped into that line. You could separate it into two, or shorten it, but it's nothing major
"Au revoir to my love,
Goodbye to my friends." <--- BEAUTIFUL. I love those two lines. They're emotional and shows a deep connection to the world she's leaving behind.
Always,
DarkHeart
I don't usually comment on poetry, but I feel you've really created an amazing poem. Your rhyming and repetition are really well placed and I feel that most people would be able to relate to this poem.
This is an entirely new perspective on paper, and can be viewed on a multitude of levels, with many different perspectives on the meaning.
The use of the initial stanza as the conclusion was a really great technique.
I really liked it x
I'm really confused as to why this poem has but one like, and but one comment. Have we lost sight of what constitutes as good poetry, as things worthy of time? Because this, this deserves more attention than it's got.
I'm going to start with my one sorta critique.
"For the feeling of this metaphorical,
Temptation. "
I feel like the comma is unnecessary, and that perhaps it would pack a bit more punch written like this...
For the feeling of this
metaphorical temptation
but that is totally just me, and I don't want to be one of those who tries to tell others what to do with their work. so that's just a thought.
Okay, now the good stuff!
You rhymed, which is cool, and you did it well and not cliché-y, which is better. So hard to makes things rhyme and not have them sound all tired and worn out. So, props for that.
I love the repetition of the stanzas for sure, it gives such a beautiful rhythm.
Finally, the subject is so different and unique, it's just beautiful. I love everything about this, it's so great. Thanks for sharing it, keep it up!
I will try and review this after school if I can! But for now, just saying, great work c: