Chapter one: The Dark Forest.

by Jonathan

Published July 3, 2013

12+ Violence

In The Teleporter cave.

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This story begins in the wild of the United states far from any human's in the aria which is now known as Florida , at about the time when America had not been explored yet.(Note: Vandi, Daniel and James are all explorers of the new world.) Vandi Hinman (Who is from England.)is in a cave and his two friends are killed by a monstrous feline animal, and he while running from the monster he stumbles across a black hole, and being chased by the monster he jumps off into it(Note: this is where the first chapter ends.), and he is transported to another dimension of fantasy, and he finds that he feels stronger on this strange new planet that he has discovered. (Note: This dimension like all of the other ones have all been explained by a series already or I will make up my own one.)

He will finally find out how to transport him self from dimension to dimension but he has to get to a magical black hole every dimension to transport himself but none else but him can come into these arias.

Also in the beginning he wants to get back to earth (Duh) but we wile eventually change his mined in the end.

Chapter one: The Dark Cave.

The wind was screeching outside of the cave, and water splattered off flat rocks making a dismal background to the crackling pile of wood that I had piled and light, I was staring dumbly at the orange and yellow colored fire's.

I must have dozed off because when I opened my eyes the rain had almost stopped and I could see only a little pile red hot coals with gray ash peppered all over it. I got up and walked out of the cave and down the side of the mountain, a thine mist was coming down I found a few more dried twigs and branches.

I struggled up the hill bending over and piking up twigs and grass to start my fire, when I got to the cave entrance I had a huge armful of wood and grass I sat it down and made a few more trips down and back up the hill for more until I had a pile of wood and grass about ten feet tall.

I sat down near the pile of wood and started to move some of it into a pile for a fire then I fashioned a bed out of sticks and grass and I made two more for my friends who should be coming back from exploring soon, I hoped.

I light my fire and sat there with my knife carving a fish out of one of the sticks I had found. I dimly realized that the rain had started again I almost fell asleep but suddenly I heard a deep scary howl that echoed through the woods making my muscles jelly. But the rain began to sound more like a hurricane and the howling began to stop and finally died down.

Then my eyes began to shut even though I was terrified from the howling my eyes closed and then after a minute I sat up and ran outside and ran down the hill there was no more howling, the moon was shining making everything shine then suddenly I heard something growl I turned and saw something very large and gray come flying at me.

I sat up quickly, breathing fast and I knew that it was just a dream I stood up, the rain had stopped and the sun was up and shining I got all of my things together to go follow my friends.

I walked for hours after leaving the cave but I could see no sine of my friends but suddenly I found a drop of blood on a leaf, I started to run as fast as I could seeing a drop of blood every now and then I found a human arm laying on the floor I did not look at it aside from one glance and I knew that something bad had happened.

I went on then suddenly someone else rammed into me knocking me over into a bush and I saw Daniel was standing over me with his hunting knife hovering over my neck “Daniel?” I asked him.

“Vandi!” He said happily.

“Where is James?” I asked him shakily.

“I will tell you later” he said pausing for a moment “hurry climb a tree now!” he finished.

He climbed a tree in less than ten second and from the sound of his voice I knew something very bad was after us, I climbed the same tree that he had climbed “So... What happened to James?” I asked curiously but I had a feeling I knew what had happened to him from the arm that I had seen.

“H-he's... dead.” he said stuttering slightly.

“Sorry.” I said knowing how close Daniel was to his brother James.

We sat there for a long time then I felt something come over me and I jumped off the branch grabbing Daniel as I went down tugging him off of the branch he had been on, as we hit the ground the tree that we had been in fell over.

He looked at me with his eyes wide “How...” then his eyes got wider.

“What?” I asked him almost in a whisper.

“The sun is almost down. We really need to get out of here before it sets.” he said shakily as he got to his feet.

I stood up and we began to walk then a idea came to me and I said “Lets go back to the cave.”

He looked at me and shook his head “No!”

I was a little puzzled because Daniel was very good at keeping his emotions under control at-least at not showing them so I decided not to open the subject again. We walked for about and hour by that time the sun was now behind the hills but it was still giving a dim illumination from behind the hills.

We walked on silently then I felt something was wrong very wrong, I thought for a moment then I knew it, everything was quiet there was not a bug chirping in the woods not a bird tweet. We had stopped then we looked forward and I saw two huge glowing yellow eyes looking at us from about ten feet ahead of us.

Daniel was frozen in fear looking at the eyes, I grabbed his hand and dragged him but his hand was jerked out of my hand and I saw the most terrifying thing you could imagine a gigantic cat the size of a tank covered in blood.

I turned and ran knowing that Daniel would be meeting James soon, as I ran I am sure I would have yelled my head off but I couldn't make a sound. After running for a few seconds I could hear something come crashing through the tree's behind me and a strange roaring and when I got to a cliff I did not hesitate for a second, I jumped off.

Comments & reviews · 3
EnigmaticSpirit wrote a review Review · Jul 8, 2013

TheGoonerGirl here to review your chapter!

Your title of your chapter drew me in and captured my attention. The storyline of your story sounds fantastic and thrilling. From reading this, I know you have a great potential to turn this into a full blown novel that will grasp at readers and leave them wanting more. Your descriptions are very good, as is your imagery, but I feel as though there should be more. I also spotted a few more errors which are easy to correct! Here they are:

I was staring dumbly at the orange and yellow colored fire's.


There should be no apostrophe in "fires" as it shows possession. However, even if you do correct this sentence, it will still sound strange:

I was staring dumbly at the orange and yellow colored fires.


I think what you were trying to say was "flames" instead of "fires". If you correct this it becomes:

I was staring dumbly at the orange and yellow colored flames.


Next is this:

I dimly realized that the rain had started again


I believe the "dimly" part is not nessecary and interrupts the flow of the sentence. Also:

I heard a deep scary howl that echoed through the woods making my muscles jelly.


This sentence does not sound quite right and is what I'd describe as "clunky". Perhaps this is what you were trying to say?

I heard a deep scary howl that echoed through the woods, turning my muscles into jelly.


This sentence makes more sense and flows better. This is just a suggestion, so please don't take it into account as you are the author, not me! A comma was also needed after "woods".

Now, looking at your dialogue:

“Vandi!” He said happily.

“Where is James?” I asked him shakily.

“I will tell you later,” he said pausing for a moment.Hurry climb a tree now!” he finished.

He climbed a tree in less than ten second and from the sound of his voice I knew something very bad was after us, I climbed the same tree that he had climbed “So... What happened to James?” I asked curiously but I had a feeling I knew what had happened to him from the arm that I had seen.

“H-he's... dead.” he said stuttering slightly.

“Sorry.” I said knowing how close Daniel was to his brother James.


Here, your dialogue sounds awkward and lacks the feeling of reality. It is also devoid of emotion, meaning that it is harder to connect to the characters in this part of the story. My advice is, is to add more description of how Daniel looks and feels when he is delivering the news of his brother's death. Also, what are the protagonist's feelings upon hearing about his friend's death? This is why your dialogue here lacks reality. Also, parts that have been corrected are highlighted in bold, including punctuation.

Here are a few other elements:

I was a little puzzled because Daniel was very good at keeping his emotions under control at-least at not showing them so I decided not to open the subject again. We walked for about and hour by that time the sun was now behind the hills but it was still giving a dim illumination from behind the hills.


Wouldn't the protagonist be curious as to why Daniel couldn't keep his emotions about the cave under control? It also leaves some questions unanswered.

Also, this as well:

Daniel was frozen in fear looking at the eyes, I grabbed his hand and dragged him but his hand was jerked out of my hand and I saw the most terrifying thing you could imagine a gigantic cat the size of a tank covered in blood.


There needs to be a colon after "imagine". This pargaraph and the last few paragraphs lack emotions and description. What is the protagonist thinking as he is going through all this? What decisions is he making? How does he feel about all these decisions? Why is he making these decisions? How does he feel as he is jumping off the cliff?

Other than that, I found your story to be tense and enjoyable to read. I believe that you have a potential to turn this story from a fantastic story to an even better story! For someone of your age, I think this is an incredible start to your story. You have created a brilliant cliffhanger and I would love to read more!

Happy Writing! :)

Yeah I know my dialog is in the durt but I have tried a lot to fix it and it is not really working.

Well I will try to fix all of it, ~this review helped~. :)

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Dhendon
Review
Dhendon wrote a review Review · Jul 8, 2013

Okay, let me start off with the fact that I think the concept of this story has potential. It is mysterious and exciting, and I think that you can take this idea far with some corrections and hard work.

Now, that being said, some major corrections are needed to make this story coherent. For starters, I could not follow half of this story without some serious effort because it was not following general English. Step one: make your sentences into sentences. This does not include big run-on piles of words. Step two: add punctuation and make sure it is correct. Step three: make sure that consistency in events and descriptions is present. I believe, towards the beginning, we the character was describing a dream that he awoke from, and, in his dream, he talks about putting sticks and grass in a pile but the pile is never described in the same place.

The concept and story are brilliant, and I look forward to seeing a revision of this piece because I see a lot of potential here. I always recommend more descriptions in a piece because it makes it more enjoyable for the reader and we can more easily relate our sensual experiences to this story. I think that a little more characterization would be good as well. Describe what happened in this dream of our main character or why this was relevant. Tell us something about our newly dead friend. Things like this add more to the story rather than a continuous string of actions.

Overall, this is a story with potential, but step one must be to make the story readable. If the reader cannot follow the writing, then you will lose a lot of potential fans. Get a good revision in, and keep writing. Good job so far!

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aliasghar Comment
aliasghar commented Comment · Jul 7, 2013

Hi, Jordan. I really liked the idea of your story. I don't know u in person,so this is first time I am reading your piece. I think, for sure, it will turn out to be a very good story and you need to keep writing and working on it.

Thank-you Alias. :D



Life is a banana peel and I am the fool who dared to tread on it.
— looseleaf