Ansiprus

by Jonathan

Published February 22, 2014

E - Everyone

Ansiprus

Bragton looked over the city streets ruined and burnt from the recent battle that had taken place ,Intash and Siphru walked up to him “Bragton now that the city is safe what shall we do?” Bragton turned and said “We will wait my old friend.” He walked over to the pedestal of Arbitron and knelt down stuck his two swords into the ground and stretched out his wings and slowly he turned into a statue, one of the many power of the pedestal, his friend’s followed his example and soon were statues as well.

“And there they stand to this very day.” Said Trigmaran solemnly.

The little circle that had accumulated was soon gone some went over to the pedestal to put something on it to see if it really could turn anything to stone, and Agrivis Crition walked over to a nearby building and lent against one of its numerous pillars, all around him the feast of Agrion was beginning since almost 300 years ago it had been founded.

A crowd of people was beginning to grow around the statute’s and a man got up onto a platform and began to announce the beginning of the feast even though everyone knew about it, about 20twenty minutes after the man had begun, a roar broke out in the sky then a giant Crloud swooped out of the sky and slammed into the pavement the rider jumped off and stumbled forward then fell flat on his face holding out a letter with the royal seal Oriliom groaning then his hand went limp a few people ran to him and pushed him over to see a broken arrow protruding from his chest.

A tall and loud voiced man grabbed the letter and shouted it out to everyone “Oriliom has fallen!!!” Whispering broke out in the group “Marked by king Namilfar.” Someone else said looking at the letter.

Everyone was whispering this was not a lie but how could that be possible that castle had walls 50 feet thick and a hundred feet high with a constant guard and a few hundred more defenses, “Should we go and see wither it is true or not.” Said one of the high priests.

A laugh broke out, by we he meant someone else who was willing to die but no one volunteered, after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence I said as loud as I could that I would be eager to go on such an adventure.

Some scoffed some nodded and kept on looking for others but no one raised their hand or said anything that implied they wanted to go.

I later was talked to by one of the high priests who gave me instructions that I should not speak to strangers of my quest and is they were unfavorable I was to kill them and he also told me that if I went through any villages or city’s I was to tell them to send there fighting men to the castle.

He also said that I was to set out at once and I was soon furnished with a weapon of my own and a stead and the supplies I would need to survive one my journey.

Comments & reviews · 2
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ClariceArrais
Review
ClariceArrais wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

Hello!
I loved this piece of writing so much. It is defferent, it has a different setting and configuration. It let me curious about the future following part (please tell me there is one!)
I would like to suggest some improvements:
First: “Bragton now that the city is safe what shall we do?” What about a coma after the name? It would give a small pause to undestand the question.
Second: I missed an enviromental introduction. I got the idea, the names, but not the surroundings. You focused only in the names and in the circumstances. Put some description in it.

I have to say I enjoyed reading you. This was definetely a story I would like to have in a book on my shelf.
Keep writing, working hard and publish the sequel soon!

KindlingDragonsFire wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2014

HAPPEH REVIEW DAY!
Moose here for a review.

This is pretty interesting- the name draws me in, since I've never heard of anything like it, and the names are pretty cool, too. Very fantasy.

Just a few things (sorry, man).

Bragton looked over the city streets ruined and burnt from the recent battle that had taken place ,Intash and Siphru walked up to him “Bragton now that the city is safe what shall we do?” Bragton turned and said “We will wait my old friend.” He walked over to the pedestal of Arbitron and knelt down stuck his two swords into the ground and stretched out his wings and slowly he turned into a statue, one of the many power of the pedestal, his friend’s followed his example and soon were statues as well.


Okay, that's like, a lot to put into one quote box... sorry. Anywho!
When you write 'Bragton looked over the city streets ruined and burnt from the recent battle that had taken place ,Intash and Siphru walked up to him' Put a period after 'place' and 'walked up to him', and separate 'walked up to him' and the line of dialogue (click enter). Always, where there is a line of dialogue, hit enter, unless it's a continuation of a line of dialogue.
For example,
'Mary looked over at me.
"What?" I asked. "Is there something on my face?"'

"What?" and 'me' is separated, but 'asked' and '"Is there..' is not.
Also, when you write
He walked over to the pedestal of Arbitron and knelt down stuck his two swords into the ground and stretched out his wings and slowly he turned into a statue, one of the many power of the pedestal, his friend’s followed his example and soon were statues as well.

Put a comma after 'knelt down', take out the 'and' before it and put a period after 'wings'. Take out the 'and' before 'slowly' and a comma after it as well. Turn 'power' into 'powers' and replace the comma after 'pedestal' with a period.

So the paragraph you wrote would look more like this
Bragton looked over the city streets ruined and burnt from the recent battle that had taken place. Intash and Siphru walked up to him.
“Bragton now that the city is safe what shall we do?”
Bragton turned and said “We will wait my old friend.”
He walked over to the pedestal of Arbitron, knelt down, stuck his two swords into the ground and stretched out his wings. Slowly he turned into a statue, one of the many powers of the pedestal. His friends followed his example and soon were statues as well.


These are similar to some of the other paragraphs present. But otherwise, wow. Awesome concept. Radical ideas. I would love to read more.

Have a good review day! And thanks for the great read.
Cheers,
Moose.



Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi