My hand has warmed since touching death -
In night, in day, and all the rest.
It lulls, it swoons, it makes you mad,
it comes from the soul you never had.
I sat there through the wretching day
Waiting ever-so patiently for you to wake -
you told me you were tired - so, so tired
and to hold your hand was just required.
I think you loved me - I loved you,
you hand was smooth and Oldened too.
I held your hand til morning light,
I held it in mine, just hoping it might
Move. I left you for a moment
to gain my composure - I wanted to honor
you. I sat back down and held your hand -
it was cold - Only now I realizéd.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Horrible, yes, but it's alright, don't be sorry. Be happy, you wrote something beautiful.
Hey Jon!
I really liked this poem. It was really touching. It had great personality and was written extremely well. Some parts I thought could do without rhyming. I didn't enjoy the parts where a new stanza started in mid-sentence. That really ruined the feel for me. Other than that, it was a wonderful poem.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
I thought it was good, its a tough topic to work with. It does lack some of the emotions that I might expect in it, but I think its an interesting touch, so I'm not completely sure if its a bad thing. The second quatrain is a little awkward, but I think someone already pointed that out already. Keep up the good work!
This is really great. At times it falls a little flat with emotion and it starts to lose its flow near the end but other than that, it's good.
Wow. This is amazing. I loved it! You're telling us about a person close to you that passed away, and we all get that bit of sadness by reading it. It's so powerful, and that's what makes it great.
I loved it... great work!
*pokes Jon with poetry poking stick* Heeeey Jon! Kat's dropping by for a quick review, 'kay?
So! Let's see what I've got on this. I liked very much, but that's not a surprise, I've always enjoyed your poems. Rhyming, yes, let's go with that.
I enjoyed your rhyming throughout the whole poem, it was subtle and gave a very good read to the poem; except for these two lines, I thin the rhyming is too 'out there' for the rest of the poem. Also, on that line, I read someone say the 'so, so tired' felt only as if to fill the flow? I disagree, I think it gives a bit more of despair and feeling into the poem, and makes the situation more... dramatic?
So, this was my least favourite part of the poem. I think you started out great, but as you went on some things changed; for example, here, you're flow sort of changed and the way you split up the lines made it harder to read - at least for me. The repetition of the holding hand action didn't help, and in my opinion it put the poem a bit down a level, made it simple and a bit more common. Also, is the accent supposed to be there on realized? xD
Okay, so! The main thing I can tell you is that you started out very well, I loved the first stanza and the second was good also - and from there down it just lot it's greatness a bit.
Keep on the good work, Jon!
- Kat
I actually have a lot of experience with death...more than the average person. But, I've never done what was mentioned in the poem. Glad you liked it!
Hi Jon, I'm CaptianRandom.
i really enjoyed this poem, it was sad and descriptive, i loved it, the spacing, the amount of words, very good poem. I'm just wondering if you have experienced death before, because it sounds like you are letting someone go in a sense to me sorry if i offend you, but I'm just curious.
-CaptianRandom
Wsto -- I meant that to be that way because the next is "Move"...it's supposed to make that jarring effect with the word "move". Haha, Glad you liked it. ^^
I like how it all flowed together but one part kind of seemed, choppy maybe?
I loved the poem but I didn't like how the end of one verse started the another one. Maybe that's just me though! Death is terrible, I've seen it too many times in my young age, so I can relate to the feeling that comes off of the poem. Great job, keep working.
I like the flow. Also I think the emotion is fine. I enjoyed it over all! I really did.
~Ladypurple.
Ahh, my dear!
I have to say, after just finshing the works of Edgar Allen Poe, you reminded me so vividly of him. I thought that your poem was very refreshing with some srong messages.
Good points: A clear message with an amazing style. A strong poem that showed experience. I liked the wording and the way you used words but not to over the top.
Bad points: I guess that it did lack emotion a little bit, although I think that that was what the poem needed.
My general expression was that it was a good poem with some strong outlineing points. Although a few tweaks here and there such as the emotion feuture would make it something quite special.
P.S Sorry about my apalling spelling, my spellcheck is well, not working.
This is an over all good poem, but I feel it has a lack of emotion. Try to reach out more with the vocab too
Hope this little bit helped.
Street -- That's horrible! O: I'm sorry. :/
Almost the same exact thing happened to me. :O
it was really good. i liked very much.
its so full of saddness and compassion.
Hi,
I loved the weary feeling that oozes from this poem--it's magical--and reminds me sadly of someone I've lost... So good work on that, heh. I didn't like how the rhythm slipped from rhyme to not-rhyme, because it made it sound somewhat...unbalanced I guess. And a few lines came off as cliched, like "I think you loved me - I loved you". I didn't really enjoy that line at all because it just came off as "blah", and sounded weird when I read it a second time. Oh, and the last line seems a bit rushed and empty--I know he just realized she/he dead--but it made me draw a blank by how it was worded.
Other than that, I adored it. Keep writing!
~Horseradish
Hello there
I really enjoyed this poem a lot. I liked the flow or the rhythm you incorporated in there. I still think that it could use some more emotion but that's nothing to worry about because this is really good.
I was not fond of this line, especially the "so, so" part, it's kind of like you were out of ideas.
Good job