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The Worker of Dreams

by Johansen03


The Worker of Dreams

Chapter 1

I was a young boy living in a house with my parents in Shannan with the Tang dynasties tall boats carrying people across the rivers. The house may have been old with the walls slightly crumbling under the weight of the heavy roof, but we were happy. That was until the thieves they called themselfs I called them murderers came to our little house. My parents told me to run and go to uncle's farm. I had barely left the house when i heard my mother scream and then silence they were dead. Tears welled in my eyes like an endless dark ocean of sorrow, but I stayed quiet for I knew if they found me I would have been killed to, so I left for the farm going through the forest. I arrived at dawn when the light shawn warmly through the tree branches, and cast shadows across the fields. I went up to the farmhouse it was a small little home with a sturdy blue tiled roof and yellow painted clay. The paint was faded and chipping but the soft green grass made up for it. I knocked at the door after a moment my uncle opened it he stood there tall and limber. His eyes green and piercing like emeralds he said “Why isn't it Er Jie Ning my nephew how are you where are your parents?” I took a breath

“T..they...they're dead” his smile was corrupted with grief his once brilliant eyes dimmed his shoulders drooped and shining tears welled in his eyes, but he did not cry he said “okay...well you should come in you must be starving.”

Chapter 2

That all was 5 years ago i am 13 now and we have run into troubles uncle can't pay taxes on the house due to an awful rice and wheat harvest.

“We may not be able to keep the house” he said. I was frightened we would have to live on the streets, that night I formed a plan I went out the next day. The streets had carts that could carry around 2 people going up and down them the new invention of porcelain was being displayed in many shop windows. I found a shop that needed a cleaner so i took that job and cleaned the shop until it shawn in like the sun. The shopkeeper was astonished at my work and paid me well. I had not much skill for I only helped with simple tasks around the farm like cleaning and sorting the crops. However I did find a fairly fancynoodle store to work at and that gave me enough to help uncle. My labors included cleaning, serving people, taking out the trash, and sometimes cooking the ramen of course only when the main chef is sick. One day however I was emptying out the trash when I heard a crackling of sticks from the bushes. I immediately jumped up and turned around there was a little girl standing there no younger than 8.

“Who are you what are you doing here?” she said nothing and shrugged her shoulders “Do you have a name” I asked she shook her head “Well I must go but first you need a name” I thought long and hard on it I looked at her, she had green eyes that shone with a deep glow and skin pale as the moon “I’ve got it!” I said “I will call you Mai… do you like it” she shook her head in approval “well that's good”, and I returned to the shop. When I returned from the town uncle was furious but not only that I noticed he started to look thinner. His ribs were visible and he looked completely famished. He asked where I had been and why I had not helped out on the farm however when I showed him the tang dynasty paper money his anger turned to joy and once again his eyes shone brighter than the sun. Than I took some food from the farm and left to go to the girl and gave it to her, she too shawn with happiness.

Chapter 3

I repeated these actions for about a year until a couple months after my birthday I went to give Mai food but she was gone. I was worried someone found her and took her away so I looked around town all day and couldn't find her. However when I went back to the farm I noticed the guest room light was lit so I went in and asked uncle why the light was on and he said.

“There was a little orphan outside our door who needed shelter so I took her in she will be living here for awhile. I looked in the room and there was Mai she was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at the stars.I asked him why he took her in he said that he believes in and practices taoism and he remembered being a boy and seeing people on the streets and him wanting to help them.He also said that everyone's life is a mix of bad and good and he wanted to give her a little more good in her life . I than asked him how he can keep her here with the current money situation and he said he got a job at a gunpowder shop and it pays very well. That's good but I will still keep my job at the shop of course only in non harvest months and after that I keep on working on my school work and practicing the art of taoism which includes ying and yang, oh and of course doing my jobs until I went of and got my own house and now i'm here the end.


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Points: 538
Reviews: 4

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Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:19 pm
piman314 wrote a review...



Your story is pretty good. I think that if you looked over the commas a bit more it could really be improved. That way, the sentences could connect better and it would be easier to read. Here is a good resource to check you commas: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/owlprint/607/

Also remember that you need to start a new paragraph after every thing that someone says. In the last paragraph I think you even forgot to end the quotes.

Otherwise I really liked all the description in your story, good luck with your future works!




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Fri Mar 11, 2016 3:46 am
DylanMichaelis4 wrote a review...



I really like the way you made you story and the plot is good. I wonder though, if you could have checked your grammar a bit more, and understood how you are supposed to use dialog correctly. You probably could have made your sentences flow together a bit more by using different words. Your use of commas and periods was poor for example:

“Who are you what are you doing here?” she said nothing and shrugged her shoulders “Do you have a name” I asked she shook her head
You should have written it
“Who are you what are you doing here?” she said nothing and shrugged her shoulders “Do you have a name” I asked. She shook her head
Then when some one else talked you also should have started a new paragraph for the next dialog.




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Thu Mar 10, 2016 5:42 pm
CraziestCatMan wrote a review...



Great story! You have the right idea, although I must say the abrupt change from Chapter 1 to Chapter 2 had me confused. You clearly stated that the main character and his uncle were poor as they couldn't pay the bills, and you gave their reason, yet just the abrupt switch was a bit confusing. I would suggest giving some background information until now, just to ease us into the present. It doesn't have to be long, it can be quite brief. Just a few sentences would be fine.

Also, your sentence structure can be hard to understand sometimes. Example:

There was a little orphan outside our door who needed shelter so I took her in she will be living here for awhile.
A better way to word this might be:
There was a little orphan outside our door who needed shelter, so I took her in. She will be living with us for a while.
Don't be scared to use commas and periods. Punctuation is your friend!

Great work! I am sure you can make this story and future stories great with practice!
-CraziestCatMan




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Thu Mar 10, 2016 3:57 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello!

At first glance, this seemed to be a collection of short stories within one chapter. Then I looked closer and realized it was only small pieces of chapters smashed into one thing. You do have a nice idea, though. In the first chapter, it seems to be a flashback to how the character's parents died. I liked the beginning of the first chapter, but soon after that first sentence, it seemed to fall flat. Like you brain just went on autopilot and wrote whatever you thought of. In my personal opinion, plan ahead when writing a beginning. Or a middle. Or an end. The way I think about it: have an ending and work your way backwards.
Another thing I like to point out that I noticed is you seem to have a small issue with capitalizing the correct pronouns for the character. When a reader is reading over this, they might just skip over the pronoun and be left confused. Unless, of course, you decide to capitalize it.

That was until the thieves they called themselfs I called them murderers came to our little house. My parents told me to run and go to uncle's farm. I had barely left the house when iI heard my mother's scream and then silence they were dead.


When writing dialogue for an ancient topic (like the one you picked), do some research on some people might've spoken in that certain time period. It seems a little realistic to me. Another thing, don't have a string of people speaking together. It gets cramped and is hardly even readable.

I knocked at the door and after a moment my uncle opened it hewhostood there tall and limber.


“T..they...they're dead” his smile was corrupted with grief his once brilliant eyes dimmed his shoulders droopeddropped and shining tears welled in his eyes, but he did not cry he said “oOkay...well you should come in you must be starving.”


Corrupted doesn't feel like the right word. Maybe 'showed'? Also, it seems the narrator is providing a list of how his uncle looks like. I would suggest adding some commas.

As a suggestion, if you want to make a novel out of the chapters you have here, maybe make these longer. Since in chapter 2, you skip over the life of the main character. As a suggestion, describe how they got into that situation (even though you clearly state that they are poor because his uncle didn't pay the bills and whatnot).

Overall, these could use work but I'm sure you'll put forth the effort to do so. If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy





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