Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here to leave a quick review on this pretty short piece of yours. Hopefully I can say something helpful about it.

First Impression: Well I am a huge fan of this fandom so I'm jumping at the chance to read this and this particular story appears to focus on one of the scenes I loved quite a bit so well I am already liking this idea.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“He’s Not coming.” She walked away from what was left of her table when he first arrived at Ogygia. She missed him. After waiting for what seemed like days, it was terribly difficult to tell time. “He said he would come.” She was about to give up all hope when she heard a familiar voice behind her, “You have no idea how long i've been looking for this island. I died and came back Just for you Sunshine.” She Kissed him “I hate that your on my island again.” “I can tell, Would you like to go for a ride on my dragon Festus?” “Festus means happy you know that right, You want to ride happy the Dragon?” Leo’s smiled “Yes i do.” She kissed him again. “Let's go.” They rode off Leaving Ogygia behind. “Thanks for rescuing me.” Calypso said as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “Anything for you Sunshine.”

Ahh, this little scene at the end, one of my personal favorites to see in the whole series. Leo did seem to get a bit shortchanged there so to see him actually do the impossible, break all the rules and go back to visit Calypso was super satisfying and I like that this story is starting out right there. This looks like you're planning to build off on them flying off and into a story and I am excited to read more of it if you do post it here. So I don't remember too clearly the exact scene but I think Leo actually meeting Calypso wasn't in the books, it ended with him waking up on the way there? So this sounds like a pretty good rendition of what that scene just might have looked like if it had happened.

Other than that, I think some of that dialogue might do well if it was separated from Calypso's thoughts and just spread out a little bit more that way. Other than that, I think the actual dialogue itself is pretty darn good.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, it was pretty short so I can't judge too much but from what you have this looks like it going to be good and I would definitely read more of it, if its there. So yeah that about covers what I have to say about this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

'Ello there. Big fan of PJO, so let's hop into this.

It's a little short. It's all in one little block of text, and if you split it up into paragraphs of writing, it wouldn't appear so teeny. Continuing it in sections is something I don't really recommend because from what I have now, it's kind of like we're taking small bits of story out of context and wanting them to be their own chapters/stories, which doesn't really work if you want someone to stick around to review every part.

Let's say every part you want to post was put here in this, it'd be easier to review because (1. everything is happening right in front of you, (2. it's not hard to skim through to find things you want to give some criticism, (3. your work would look a lot fuller and that'd increase interest in it, and finally (4. it costs fewer points for you and helps people give helpful reviews instead of repeating everything over and over.

I like to nitpick, not anything against you, it's just my style. If I say anything that offends you, please do speak up.

~ Your vs. you're mixed up here:

I hate that your on my island again.

~ There should be a pause between that like, "said ___" or just put both of the sentences together instead of having them right next to each other with no punctuation to separate.

“I can tell, Would you like to go for a ride on my dragon Festus?” “Festus means happy you know that right, You want to ride happy the Dragon?”

~ There's a lot more punctuation in complex sentence issues, so I suggest Grammarly; it doesn't work best when free, but still does help. I actually used it to make sure I had no spelling errors in this review.

Here are some tips on compound/complex sentences:

Compound: A compound sentence has two or more independent clauses. Join the
independent clauses with both a comma and a coordinating conjunction (remember
fanboys—for, and, not, but, or, yet, so) or a semicolon.

Complex: A complex sentence contains one independent clause and one or more
dependent clauses. The independent clause is called the main clause. Use a comma after the
dependent clause that comes before the main clause (i.e. the dependent clause begins the
sentence). However, you don’t need to use a comma after the main clause when the
dependent clause follows it.

Anyway, good job!

- Lum