Chasing darkness in the night and
Sleeping inside the light of a burning sun.
I’m done running from somebody
Who brings out the very best of me.
And I tried to tell you exactly how I feel
But you grabbed my tongue and stapled it to the wall.
So I just stood there.
Silent but shouting.
-
Through the faces of a crowded hall,
Our eyes transfixed on one another.
From the second I met you,
My life gained absolute wonder.
But you only held my love for a moment
Before you threw it right back.
So I just stood there.
Silent but shouting.
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey there, Joe! Here's a short-but-sweet review, just like your short-but-sweet poem! I'll be focusing on 3 main ideas for you, if you don't mind.
Content:
(1) Elevation of language.
This a poem with a lot of /potential/, but I think I have an exercise that will take it to the next level. Go into your draft right now and strike out five words that could be elevated to be more expressive and evocative. That is, replace them with more powerful and recognizable concepts. I promise you, this will go a long way. And if you're having difficulty, just ask one of us (via forum or PM).
(2) Punctuation.
Although poetry (especially free-verse) can have any kind of punctuation, not just "grammatically-correct" punctuation, it's helpful to think about /why/ you'd break these rules, and what position punctuation is occupying in your story. Writing Forward has a great guide to this, one I refer to a lot: http://www.writingforward.com/poetry-wr ... ry-writing. I think you'll find it fascinating.
(3) And, finally, imagery.
Imagery is key to most good poems because they give the readers' internal cameras something to focus on. Even if the message is strong and the linguistics are perfect, without a place for the readers to pay attention to, the poem feels... empty. This image can be anything. You do a nice job with the repetition of a textual phrase "silent but shouting", but can you do the same with an image? This is a fun and necessary challenge, and you can find lots of different techniques on the web, along with interesting definitions like this one: http://www.poetryarchive.org/glossary/imagery.
Sign-Off:
Sorry for the short review.
As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
This is fantastic! Really great job, JoeDeF! It is short, but very meaningful. I really like that the title is said twice in the poem, both times it's really well placed. So... true story? It seems like it, 'cause you wrote about it so well. I love the first two lines: CHASING DARKNESS IN THE NIGHT AND SLEEPING INSIDE THE LIGHT OF A BURNING SUN. I will check out more of your work! Bravo!
-ChloeJoelle
I love this! I like writing that's mysterious, that you have to keep on reading so you understand what's going on. Or maybe not understand but interpret it in a different way every time you read it. It makes me feel intrigued. I'm not sure that makes sense?? I hope it does.
Anyways, great work! I'd love to read more from you.
I loved it! It is just great. I'M SPEECHLESS!
Hello! Sophie here. so this was an interesting poem.
Just some thoughts/suggestions. So this gives little detail and is very hard to connect with. when at first this started i couldn't understand it at all. Now this is not due to pore writing but rather to pore structure, if you can add even a little more context just to make it a bit clearer. Now I understand you might want it "mysterious" but even giving a little more on the story could keep it that way (if that what you want)
Just some tips!
Sophie <3
Awesome piece of art.