E - Everyone

The twisted love

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Hit, Fall, And Tumble

I’m a girl with blue eyes, blonde hair, and a smile that can light up any room. I go to Glendale High, and I’m just an ordinary girl—except today, I’m at my Aunt Lacey’s house.

My mom, Amy, works at a preschool in South Bend, but I’m staying with Lacey for the night. Lacey’s on the phone when I walk into the living room. Her eyes go from cold and strong to dark and sad in less than a minute.

“Yes, I’ll tell her. Do you want her to stay with me for a few more nights so you can get settled?” she says into the phone. “Mm-hm, okay. Love you.”

I’m packing my bag, getting ready to head home. “Who was it, Lacy?”

“I don’t know. You might as well start unpacking because you’re staying a few more days,” she says, fiddling with her keys. “Can you ride your bike down to Walmart and pick up some groceries?”

I give her a look. “Are you seriously changing the subject? And yes, I’ll go. Do you want Subway or Ben’s Pretzels?”

She looks at me, still fidgeting with her keys. “Ben’s.”

I head upstairs to grab my bike key. When I pick it up, I feel how heavy it is. Confused, I glance down to see that I’m holding maybe forty keys. Shaking my head, I head back downstairs.

Lacey calls from the kitchen. “Ben’s!”

I unlock the bike chain, grab my bike, and pedal toward Walmart. It’s only when I get there that I realize I left my basket at home. Frustrated, I pick up a rock and throw it at the wall.

Thud.

“Holy—” a girl’s voice says. “Baby, wake up!”

My stomach drops when I see the blood. My mouth goes dry. I grab my phone, about to call 911, but then I freeze. What if they think I did this? I look at the girl crying and, without thinking, pull the guy off the ground. He’s heavy, but I manage to put his head on my shoulder and carry him to my bike.

I completely forgot about the groceries.

When I get to the hospital, a doctor walks over to us, asking what happened.

“I don’t know,” I mumble.

“Well,” he glances at me, “we’ll need a police officer to investigate.”

“Actually, I just remembered,” I say, a lie slipping off my tongue. “We were working on a house. He was hammering, and I was in the kitchen fixing the sink. Then I heard a loud bang, and when I came back to the room, he was on the floor.”

The doctor raises an eyebrow. “Any more lies?”

“W-what do you mean?” I smile nervously.

He returns my smile with a hint of amusement. Just as I start to relax, I hear a voice from the door.

“Police! Open up!”

The door flies open, and officers burst in. “You’re under arrest for the murder of Mr. Khen,” one of them yells.

I freeze. “Wait, look, I know this looks bad, but I promise, it’s not what it looks like! I got mad, I threw a rock at the wall—I didn’t see him there! Please, don’t arrest me.”

The officer snorts. “Yeah, right. You threw that rock pretty hard for him to end up in the hospital.”

I’m at a loss. What do I do now? I’m only sixteen. Why is this guy so important? Before I can ask, the doctor speaks again, as if reading my mind.

“He’s the prince,” he says, then looks at the officers. “He’s fine, just a small concussion.”

“The prince…?” My mouth goes dry. I stare at the unconscious guy, my mind going blank. “I didn’t know…”

The officer’s face hardens. “Not our problem, miss.”

Before they can cuff me, Khen stirs, his eyes fluttering open.

“What happened…?” His voice is the hottest thing I’ve ever heard, sending a shockwave through my body.

I don’t even think before I blurt out, “He’s my boyfriend!”

The officers stare at me like I’m crazy. Then they stand a little straighter, their faces turning serious. One officer, a tall guy with a deep voice, steps forward.

“Oh my…” He stammers, bowing his head. “I-I didn’t know you were dating Mr. Khen.” He pauses, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry, your… Your Highness.”

The Lie

Mr. Khen looks up at me, and thankfully, he says nothing. The doctor—whose name I can’t for the life of me remember—studies me with a curious expression.

“Okay… well, he seems fine, so you can take him home, Your Highness.”

I nod and smile, taking Mr. Khen’s hand. “Thank you, sir.”

We head toward the parking lot, but before we get far, Khen tugs me closer, stopping me in my tracks.

“Okay, look,” he says, his tone sharp but not unkind. “I know dang well you’re not my girlfriend. So… who are you?”

My stomach drops, and I feel the color drain from my face. Crap. I need to think fast.

“I… you’re right, I’m not your girlfriend,” I admit, my voice shaky. “But can’t we just… pretend?” I glance up at him nervously.

He narrows his eyes, running his tongue over his lips. “Why would I pretend to be your boyfriend?”

Why can’t he just agree? My throat feels dry. “Uh—I don’t know…” I clear my throat and let my gaze drift to the row of cars behind him. “My mom’s been on my case about getting a boyfriend lately, okay? So maybe you could pretend for a little bit?”

He snorts, then bursts into laughter. “That’s your excuse? Really? That’s funny… but you don’t even know my name. Actually, I still don’t know yours, sweetheart. So how about we start there?”

I look at him and see the smirk tugging at his lips, his eyes dancing with amusement.

“Uh… my name’s Izaki,” I manage to stammer, blushing as my gaze drops to his chest.

“Isaki?” he repeats, mispronouncing it.

“No—” I correct him slowly, emphasizing each syllable. “I-za-ki. Izaki Himatia. But…” I hesitate, then glance back up at him, “…you can call me Iza.”

He tilts his head, a slow grin spreading across his face. “Iza, huh?” His voice dips just enough to make my pulse jump. “Yeah… I think that’ll work.”

Pretend For Now

I’m officially insane.

Not only did I lie to the police, but now I’ve convinced a literal prince to pretend to be my boyfriend. And not even for a good reason — for my mom. The worst part? I think he’s enjoying this.

Comments & reviews · 2
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rubbersoul
Review

hey there! :]

The main plot behind this story is very intriguing to me; a short outing to the store doesn't typically end with meeting a Prince and starting to fall for him. That sounds like the making of an enemies-to-lovers / fondness growing over time storyline, which works well for--what I assume at least--the demographic for this is. The protagonist is a potentially young girl, and that is shown well in the confrontation scene with the police, e.g. the randomness of blurting out "He’s my boyfriend!" feels like something a teenager would do realistically. There isn't much pretense for who Iza is as a person, but she's shaping to be rather impulsive, purposefully or not.

I am unsure as to why this story feels so meta at times though, and it doesn't flow naturally with the progression the story would fit better. First person perspectives are tricky when it comes to exposition and info dumping, but I feel as though the 'section headers' here feel out of place and take away from seriousness to the plot. There is little need for documenting what is happening as it is on the page! The last section is heavy with this kind of writing as well: "Not only did I lie to the police, but now I’ve convinced a literal prince to pretend to be my boyfriend." There is no need to restate something that has been shown through the actions of your narrator / the characters around them, and it shouldn't be repeated much throughout later chapters either.

I would've loved to see more expansion on the setting too, and Iza herself is never described outside of being blonde with blue eyes and a smile. Appearances are one of, if not the most, important thing to write! I'd suggest to go more in depth on what she looks like in a way that might feel *poetic* since descriptions of people should feel alive / not a generic 'everyman' that could be anywhere. I'm also very curious as to why Iza has a cultural name--her first name is Japanese and her last name sounds Greek--but she is portrayed as stereotypically white-passing and in an Westernized place, considering Walmart is mentioned, and you may want to reconsider the cultural accuracy if you want this to be realistic. It would feel more alive to have a fleshed out world that suits the characters, and names are a solid place to start.

I hope this helps!

lina

Hiii!! Hop here with a review! I suck at reviewing so please give me some grace!! Okay, lets get to the review!

Overall, this story was pretty good! The plot is pretty Interesting so far and who doesn't love a good pretending to date but then actually end up falling in love trope? I can't wait to see where this goes!!!!!!

I do recommend slowing down the story a bit, giving it more build up. It doesn't have much show and it has quite a bit of tell. Instead of saying they did something, describe the action they are doing. Also, try showing the scene changed. One minute we were in the hospital with the prince dead and the next she was walking with the prince, taking him home.

But really, I do enjoy this story and I can't wait to read more. It just needs a little tweaking. You don't have to change anything if you don't want to, those were all just suggestions. Don't take these tips too seriously. Please keep up the fantastic work!!!! Stay amazing!!!!!




Love, Hop



If Nate ever zeroes the count in "Count Up Until Nate Zeroes It", that zero should be immortalized in the quote gen.
— JazzicusMaximus