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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Welcome to the YWS community =)
Now I'm sorry but I'll be harsh. This seriously was one big 'description' telling. I say telling, because I barely sensed any 'show' element here except a few short parts. It went with simple sentences telling a short description and this continued to the very end. To be honest I got bored fast of reading this, it doesn't have it takes to pull me in.
I unfortunately can't find one great topic about "Show&Tell", so I'll give you links to what I managed to find in a few minutes ^^ I know reading a lot of information about writing is a royal pain and trying to decipher the way you should write from reading others' works is troublesome too, but it's pretty much what we all should do to get better =) With practice comes skill. Good luck and keep writing! =)
Link :
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post562912.html?hilit=Show%20more%20show%20than%20tell#p562912
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic58919.html