Published May 16, 2012
The Baby Sitter
A young girl named Lauren volunteered to baby sit two five year old children for her Uncle Tom and his wife Kirsty. Laurens relationship with Tom and Kirsty wasn’t very close. They would only see each other on family re-unions and sometimes at Christmas.
Tom owned a very large house. About the size of a regular mansion. Some rooms seem as if they weren’t as visited as often, compared to the others. It was clearly shown by the amount of dust floating about and spider webs hung on the corners of the room.
Tom and Kirsty would be gone for a week, due to Tom’s business trips. Lauren was told she would have to stay in the children’s play room since Tom didn’t want Lauren to wander around the house.
On her first night, she noticed that Tom had put a high tech home phone in the children’s play room. She also noticed the children very much liked clowns. There were clown wall papers around the room, clown dolls and clown decorated furniture was located all over the room. Tom had set up a bed in there, meaning that she would have to sleep there.
The playroom consisted of two rooms. Lauren opened the door of the other room. In there lay a life sized clown doll, sat upright on a creaking rocking chair. Lauren wasn’t interested in the room but acknowledged the disturbing looking clown doll and shut the door behind her.
Every night of sleep, Lauren could hear the sound of the rocking chair, squeaking on the vintage wooden floor. She got so fearful of the sound, she had the thought of calling Uncle Tom to get permission to move rooms. She slowly drifted off to sleep, frightened.
During the fourth night of baby sitting, Lauren was going to call Tom for permission to move rooms. The kids were in deep sleep. The time was 11.57pm. Suddenly the home phone rang loudly, sounding throughout the house. She grabbed the phone without hesitant and went straight to down stairs so that it won’t wake the kids. She looked at the phone to check who Tom knew would be calling the house at around midnight. It read ‘Calling from home’ strangely. Someone was in the house calling the home number.
She paused a moment before answering it.
A faint sound of the squeaking rocking chair echoed. Footsteps thumped. The sound of slashing and the shrieks of despair filled the air. Lauren went up stairs, cautiously and panicking.
She opened the door to the other room with the life sized clown doll. Lauren saw that the chair was rocking more vigorously than ever. But this time, the clown’s expressions were more distinctly obvious than usual. Its face had suddenly manipulated to a menacing yet freaky smirk.
Lauren was freaking out, going into shock and breathing heavily. She sprinted to the children’s bedroom and barged her way into the rooms through the door. Patches of deep red blood patched across the sheets on the bed duvet, teddy bears dyed a bloody brown. The two children of Tom and Kirsty had been stabbed to death.
Lauren looked down, hysterical, with tears flooding, speechless. She suddenly felt a sharp pain on her back, forcing her chest to arc forward and her shoulder to bend back. She tried to breath but something was stopping her, her lungs were at full capacity. Her sight was becoming tunnel visioned, forcing her to drop to the floor. Trying to keep herself conscious, she made out a blurry figure with her head resting against the harsh floorboards, dressed like the figures on the wallpaper, standing in front of her…was the clown.
Based on a true story that happened in Cornwall, November 19th 1995.
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140,134 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
There was quite a few things that didn't make sense in the story but mostly all of the time, you could understand what you actually meant for it to be. Other than the little mistakes you made, I enjoyed the story. I wanted more depth in the story about the family, I'm not sure why as that wasn't your target for the story.
The story itself was written very well, but I have a few key points.
One, as Sky said, the grammar and syntax is a little off in some points. The beginning sentences are very simple sentences, and sometimes there are misspellings and awkward wordings. For example, "The clown's expressions were more distinctly obvious than usual." That doesn't sound right at all, thought I can't really place why.
Also, sometimes it's a bit repetitive. "Freaking out" and "going into shock" are kind of the same thing in my brain, as shock happens when someone is really freaked out about something. The "Her sight was becoming tunnel visioned" makes no sense at all, really. I would say something more along the lines of. "She was beginning to get tunnel vision..."
Also, I would like to point out that the murderous/creepy clown doll story is everywhere. I liked the story the first time I read it, but now it just seems bland and unoriginal. Your writing is good, so please don't waste it on a cliched story. If you were going to base something off of something else, I would suggest using a little-known story, as that packs more punch at the end.
Overall, the story is good, but it could use a fair bit of work. Keep going, and I think you'll go far. 7.5/10
Hello, Sky to review here.
First point:
You wrote:
"Some rooms seem as if they weren’t as visited as often, compared to the others."
This sentence seems a bit...odd when I read it out loud. Maybe try rephrasing it.
Example:
Some rooms seem as if they weren't visited often, compared to the others.
Second point:
This is such a petty comment, but I'm really big on grammar.
In the first paragraph, 'Laurens relationship' should be changed to 'Lauren's relationship'.
Third point:
Another petty comment.
'Re-unions' should be changed to 'reunions'.
Overall, I enjoyed the story. This is coming from a active reader of horror novels. It sent a chill throughout my whole body, which is what is to be expected.
I adore your writing, and I can't wait to read more from you. c:
Sky.