🌹 Chapter One 🌹
"Get back here you troublesome git!" A middle aged guard shouted whilst running after a hooded thief. The hooded figure only glanced back briefly, the dim lighting in the building cast shadows over their face so almost all of it was hidden. Though the guard did see the triumphant smirk that they wore, which only made his anger grow. "Just wait until I get my hands on you!" He growled, while trying - and failing - to keep up with them.
The thief only chuckled quietly while they ran. Abruptly, the thief made a sharp turn, and jogged up a flight of stairs that led to the roof of the building, the guard close in pursuit. The thief was used to this kind of running, whereas the guard was only used to sitting in front of monitors all day.
With a small grunt, the thief pushed through the door that lead to the roof and ran to the edge, looking over it. The city buzzed with activity, even though it was nighttime. Sirens could be heard in the distance, while cop car lights flashed here and there. Castille. A once great city now overrun by crime. Dirty cops, gangs, drug dealers, as well as your common murders and thieves. The masked thief inclined their head to the side a bit to peer over their shoulder as the guard made a racket bursting through the door. "Hah! I got you now. There's no where to run."
The guard let out an arrogant laugh as he neared the thief - who let out a small 'tch' of annoyance. The thief put their hands on the concrete surrounding the building and hopped up with a small push. "Hey, wait!" The guard cried out, slowly advancing to were the thief stood. Slowly, the thief turned around to face the guard and pulled their hood back. Long black hair with red highlights spilled out. Red eyes stared at the guard's wide brown eyes. He slowly raised a hand to point at the thief. "Y-you're the Crimson Curse!"
"Crimson curse?" The teenager merely raised an eyebrow. "Hm, wonder what you people will come up with next." She said while shaking her head. The guard slowly started walking forward again.
"You don't have to do this! Come with me and we'll get everything sorted out!" A humorless chuckle left the girls mouth.
"By 'get everything sorted out' - you mean have me locked up in a crooked prison?" She made a sound between a snort and a scoff. "I'll have to politely decline Officer." She said and took a step backwards. One more step, and she'd fall 3 stories down.
"W-wait kid! Come on, don't you have something to live for?" The guard said quickly, trying to reason with her. The girl gave a mocking smirk.
"What I live for was taken from me. Now if you'll excuse me," She held up her arms and leaned over a bit as if to bow, "I'll be taking my leave now." With that, she turned and stepped off of the roof. The guard ran forward and peered off of the edge of the building expecting to see a body on the pavement below. To his surprise, she was no where to be found. Glancing to his right, he noticed something laying by his hand.
Slowly, he reached out and grasped it, bringing it closer to have a better look at it. In his hand, he held a blood red rose. The mark of the Crimson Curse. A small breath left his lips as he turned and darted back to the door to report what he had just seen.
Just under the ledge of the building, the girl hung onto one of the beams and shook her head while snickering.
"Crimson Curse... What a stupid name."
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Hi there Jinxie! I'm here for the review that you requested from my thread
I think that you have something with lots of potential here. There is definitely some intrigue and suspense that is rather infatuating for the reader, so good job on that. I really like the idea you have in mind for you story.
Now, however, it's just a matter of fleshing our the narration and plot a bit more so that there is more to work with and a written word that is a little more captivating. I feel like what you have here is a little rushed. The things you have to work with are mysterious in essence and yet you betray the Crimson Curse so rapidly. I suggest that you use the mysterious aspect to your advantage and not be so eager to reveal it - this is a tool that you can use to keep your reader hooked throughout the rest of the story. It would be much more fun for us to be figuring out what the Crimson Curse is rather than to know right away at the end of a short chapter.
Furthermore, I do not think that it would hurt to strengthen the dialogue. At the moment, it feels rather stiff and a little forced. I can tell that you're trying to aim for the whole medieval-parallel-universe and I guess it's quite good that you're sticking with a method of speaking that is suitable to that era. Nevertheless, it can get a bit cliche and tends to lack personality. Some suggestions I have to better your dialogue is read those lines aloud, all while noticing flow and how it works with the rest of the chapter. That way, you can formulate dialogue more naturally.
I would also like you focus more on showing, rather than telling. For example, you might say that the guard had an "arrogant smile", but it might be nicer for the reader to visualize what that might look like. How do lips form in arrogance? Are his teeth showing or not? How does the smile affect the rest of his face and demeanour? Are his eyebrows bushy and frowning? Be descriptive (although don't overdo it!) and keep this in mind for other times.
Overall, there is a lot of potential here, and you just need to focus on fleshing out the things you can use to your advantage and improving other key aspects of the narrative, like the dialogue.
Thanks for a nice read!
Best,
Lav
Thanks! This really helped a lot- To be honest I threw this together really quickly from an idea I suddenly got. It could use major editing though. Thanks for all the tips, they'll really help in the future! c:
Hey, I really liked this. However, it was a little unclear who was who in this. You use a lot of "they" and it's hard to figure out who "they" are. Other then a few misspellings, which someone already corrected, this was a great piece of work. It's a great start and I am looking forward to the next chapter!
Thanks! c:
I used 'They' a lot to hide the thief's gender in the beginning, though it is quite confusing..
Hey! Ever here for a review!
I loved this! I thought it was very unique in it's own little way. Just a few things to suggest.
In your 4th paragraph, 2nd sentence, it says "hoped up" when it should be "hopped up".
Next, I thought it was funny how she was so sarcastic about everything. But in my mind, a thief, a teenage girl, anyone with that much sass coursing through their veins would get annoyed at the trembling pansy of an officer. They would be sassy in a very mean, degrading way.
Also, while we're talking about the officer, he was really a pansy. He had no backbone. You would figure he would be gruff and tough, from years of dedicated service. Maybe give him a little more courage? Just a suggestion. You know your characters way more than I do!
I really did enjoy this and I can't wait for the next chapter!
Ever
Thanks! I'll be sure to edit that mistake, can't believe that slipped after I re-read it so many times..
As for the officer, he likes to seem tough, but when it really comes down to it - he's kind of a wimp. Heheh.