Suicide Notes From The Fragmented Mind

It catches my attention and the beginning is good. I understand that it is meant be vague (and I don't mind that) BUT it is too vague. You switch from past to present too much and who is Jessica and Eden? If they're friends, then say that when you introduce them. Your main character doesn't show a lot of emotion. I didn't get why he/she put his/her hand in hot water and began to reminisce. What's with the tea? In the beginning you say "My life ended three months ago." Is he/she dead? It's a little too vague, so try to clarify a little more. But make sure to leave the readers wanting more of course! Happy Holidays!

It was a bit too fast for what was happening. But i love the beginning of it, it is such a catch. You explain quite well, but try to make it longer hey. I like it though. Now when you say cancer I get confused because I thought this was a suicide. Just make it all clear.

Hey Jimmy ma buddy, haha awsum!! HAHAHAHA eden and jessica XD I liked the way you wrote this and how it was kind of vague, like it didn't explain everything and made you think about it afterwards. Keep writing!!

Alright, so, I was very confused in the beginning. Very, very confused. What relation do Jessica and Eden have to the main character, and how does your MC feel about that?
Overall, you also need more emotion.
Your character has cancer, how do they feel about it?
Add that emotion in.

~WickedWonder

JimmyTheMighty wrote:Be nice

My life ended three months ago.

I feel like I have an expiry date – like my life is already over, like I’m just biding time. In reality, I am.

Jessica and Eden eye me suspiciously, as if I’m you should've said 'I were' not 'I'm' because the condition is unreal a wild animal. They’ve been plotting, I know. They have been for a while. My arms are criss-crossed with frenzied cuts, my hair hangs limp and my pale ribs stick out grotesquely from my frail, emaciated body.

“We have something for you,” Eden whispers. Her lips are too red, the only colour in the sparse, frigid room. The colour of fresh blood. They hurt my eyes.

A faint smirk plays on her lips.

“We’re making,” she whispers, and Jess finishes.

“Tea.”

The world goes slower, like it always does before the dares. My vision ascends into multi-faceted clarity; I feel my breathing steady and relax relax is a verb; 'relaxed' is the adjective.

The pan is cheap and old, its shine long gone in the onslaught of tarnish, but my eyes extenuate it. They cast dark shadows on the waters glistening surface, tiny bubbles reflecting the excited fear in Eden and Jessica’s eyes.

I know what they see and I see it too. I see my hand sliding into the water and my eyes misting over, I feel the red hot pain in my head. I know what to do.

The water doesn’t hurt, not in the real sense of the world. It takes me above, above the clouds, above reality. I am too frail, and I drift away, to the day my life ended.

Cancer.

It happens, I knew. I understood that, but I also knew, secretly that I would never get it. Cancer happens to other people. So when they told me and I knew they were lying I laughed and my laughs turned to thick, choking tears. I drowned in that river, and left myself behind. 4 Four months was all I had left then, now I have one.

It spread to my lungs and I had trouble breathing. Back then she sat up with me all night, but now all she does is cry and cry, so I leave left her.

My thoughts spread like soup, they disable my brain, then my body and suddenly nothing makes sense. I feel myself groan and spasm and fall. My breathing retches itself up in huge disgusting gasps, my feet kick up splinters.

My life ends.

Okay, so I had written out a review and then my Internet went down and I lost it...so here goes again. Hopefully I can remember all the points I wanted to make.

My general thoughts on this piece are that it's short and confusing. I think you could definitely stretch this, adding more substance to it, and overall just giving us a better idea of what's going on and who these characters are. There isn't anyone I really care about; I know I'm supposed to feel for the MC, but it's kind of hard to when I don't have anything at all to picture. Frankly, it's just hard to get into the story.

As for the confusion, I think it really boils down to it being, again, too brief. I'm not sure when this is supposed to be written; is someone actually dead and telling from a "ghostly" perspective? Is the character still alive but is saying that his life's done metaphorically? The tense changes (from past to present) just threw me off.

I'm also wondering what you mean by the "tea." Is it really tea and he's supposed to be burning himself with it? Is it a code/slang for something else? I don't have much to picture here; no setting, no details except for blood-red lips. It's hard to know what's going on without this.

One last nitpick:

4 months was all I had left then, now I have one.

JimmyTheMighty wrote:Be nice

My life ended three months ago.

I feel like I have an expiry might sound better if you said expiration datedate – like my life is already over, like I’m just biding time. In reality, I am.

Jessica and Eden eye me suspiciously, as if I’m a wild animal. They’ve been plotting, I know. They have been for a while. My arms are criss-crossed with frenzied cuts, my hair hangs limp commaand my pale ribs stick out grotesquely from my frail, emaciated body.

“We have something for you,” Eden whispers. Her lips are too red, the only colour in the sparse, frigid room. The colour of fresh blood. They hurt my eyes.

A faint smirk plays on her lips.

“We’re making,” she whispers, and Jess finishes.

“Tea.”

The world goes slower, like it always does commabefore the dares. My vision ascends into multi-faceted clarity; I feel my breathing steady and relax.

The pan is cheap and old, its shine long gone in the onslaught of tarnish, but my eyes extenuate it. They cast dark shadows on the waters glistening surface, tiny bubbles reflecting the excited fear in Eden and Jessica’s eyes.

I know what they see and I see it too. I see my hand sliding into the water and my eyes misting over, I feel the red hot pain in my head. I know what to do.

The water doesn’t hurt, not in the real sense of the world. It takes me above, above the clouds, above reality. I am too frail, and I drift away, to the day my life ended.

Cancer.

It happens, I knew. I understood that, but I also knew, secretly that I would never get it. Cancer happens to other people. So when they told me and I knew they were lying I laughed and my laughs turned to thick, choking tears. I drowned in that river, and left myself behind. 4 months was all I had left then, now I have one.

It spread to my lungs commaand I had trouble breathing. Back then she sat up with me all night, but now all she does is cry and cry, so I leave her.

My thoughts spread like soup, they disable my brain, then my body and suddenly nothing makes sense. I feel myself groan and spasm and fall. My breathing retches itself up in huge disgusting gasps, my feet kick up splinters.

My life ends.

I really liked this(: