Published July 21, 2012
Hiding in the corner, Afraid of everything around her, afraid of herself, Afraid of living. She needs help, but no one will give it to her, she needs a hero but no one is here. She trusted one person, she told everything to that person, but he left without saying goodbye. This is the life of Shiloh Dark.
'......I soon will leave, I soon will find my will to get out of here, i don't wanna live like this..Please just End it ALL' She closes her journal and puts the pencil down, as tears roll down both her cheeks she thinks to herself ' i hope i don't do anything, i hope i won't give in.. i need hope.. Someone help!!!' Right when she clears her thoughts and comes back to reality, she hears him. "Shiloh Dark" He's yelling, "Get your ass downstairs, you've been up there for an hour, Hurry up you whore." The words go through her like rusty nails in wood. She doesn't want to cry, she holds back her tears and bites her lips, hoping it will all go away. She rushes down the stairs almost falling, she is by her dad now. "Yes dad?" She says in a tiny whisper. "Talk normally when you talk to me" He says, Loud and sharply. Right at that moment she feels something to doesn't want to feel, she feels the pain of his hand with the ring on it, right across her face. Her eye is bleeding now. Her dad doesn't regconize it. He puts his hand up again, she flinches, and he yells " I'm going out!!!!" The door slams behind him, her nightmare is over... or has it just begun? After knowing her dad is gone for the day, she locks all doors and windows, she goes upstairs still terrified. She cleans the tiny,red gash on the side of her eye. She's glad he's gone for now, but tommorow it might be worse. You can't really predict his actions, you can only hope that it's not too bad. She's rummaging through her things, until she find what she's looking for. Its clean, long, silver, and sharp. She pulls up her sleves, and right by the other scars, she cuts again. This time a little deeper than before, it's bleeding fairly good, in her mind it feels nice, until it won't stop bleeding. She hurries up, covers it with white gauze. She goes too bed, hoping it will stop, wishing she can just end it... why? Who will miss her anyways.
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Well then. I dare say you seem to have written yourself a start maybe of a story and accidentally posted it? I do hope so, because this is dreadfully lacking. There is a bit of flair I can see, but might I suggest possibly finishing the piece?
Though, to be frank, I would rewrite this whole thing simply because you have incorrect sentence structure and are horribly melodramatic. Your punctuation also needs some work. First thing I wish to talk to you about is your use of commas. You see my lovely, after a comma is used, you aren't supposed to capitalize the next work. That is only if you use periods. The other main thing is that you are misusing the commas to achieve dramatic pauses, breaking up the flow and making it seem kind of redundant.
You see, a comma has various uses including breaking up elements in a series (lists). It seems apparent that you kind of used the format for trying to list something but in actuality you aren't listing anything at all. You write about all the things she is afraid of but it doesn't fit in well with the sentence. You are falling into the trap of writing like how the english language is spoken, which often neglects certain aspects of necessary rules like punctuation of subject use. This page here will help you with your comma use and is a good guide to follow. It can be a bit lengthy, but it will help your writing become much better.
I know you may not see much wrong in using commas so frequently. Many new writers think it is fine because they which to capture the emotion through the punctuation. The problem with doing so is that you disrupt the flow of the words which is necessary part of any kind of writing. Your piece has a very stop and go quality to it which kind of turns away many readers.
Not all your comma use is wrong. It is mainly that first sentence. Maybe just rephrase it so that it is more than one sentence, or it is indeed listing something. This part uses commas correctly-ish.
I bolded the one comma because that one is wrong. Both of those clauses shouldn't be connected in the same sentence. A period should replace that one. The other commas before the words like 'but' are okay because it is connecting two independent clauses that give more details about the situation and are intimately connected.
I also wish to go back to the first sentence because I didn't tell you why that sentence is so wrong clearly. It is because you have not used a subjective pronoun to give the sentence purpose. You need to use 'she' or her name to give the sentence a direction. To make it make more sense, you can even simply add 'She was' before 'hiding in the corner'. That adds the subject into the sentence giving it the necessary element required to make it proper.
The last thing I wish to talk to you about is well, the dialogue.
Well, I am guessing this is Shiloh speaking, maybe about suicide. It seems kind of all over the place because the first part of the sentence is seemingly kind of making it seem hopeful that she will find her way out from where ever she is whether that is a physical prison or one in her mind. It seems like she is willing to live. But then it takes a sharp turn and it becomes apparent that she wishes to die. Over a boy who left without saying goodbye. Good reason to kill yourself. I would keep the topic clearly on suicide through out the sentences.
Also, ellipses (the dots in your sentences) are regarded in good form when it is three dots.
That is the review of this piece and sorry if I was a bit harsh. I have one more thing I wish to say to you though, which I think is the most important.
Jillianloves, I do believe this isn't necessarily all about a story and plot. I feel like there is more emotion behind it and is probably in direct relation to yourself. I think this is reflecting your own sadness and problems in real life. I am sorry if I am wrong, but teenage depression is a common thing now a days, and if you are upset and have no one to talk to, I am sure anyone on this site would love to help you, me included. This seems very sad and I hope you are okay. I just know this is the kind of thing I would write if I was upset.
Keep your head up high, heavy hearted one.
Thank you for your piece. I recommend continuing it and putting together a plot.
Sorry, i accidently posted it i will finish it tho
I agree with what you say about commas; its suppose to constitute a pause and often times disrupts the flow of anything written. ^^ support
Sorry, I don't get it.
No need to be, it's not done yet