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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey there. I don't think we've met yet. It's nice to meet you!
I really like this. It's very out there and blunt. It's nice to have the truth revealed in sharpish words sometimes. If that makes sense.
While this is quite good, there is still room for improvement. Your use of enjambment is a little too much for me, to be honest, and I think you should break up the lines a little differently (I'll get more specific in a minute). Also, you could create stronger images if you delete and or change a few words (which I'm also going to address).
First, let's look at the line breaks.
I don't like to start off a poem with enjambment after the first line, and you do that a little here. I think it would be better if you put the break after "night."
I think that you should leave "words" in the previous line. It would feel better.
Quick note: there are only two sentences in this poem, one of which is a rather jumbled feeling run-on. I suggest taking that second sentence and making it into more separate sentences, rather than keeping the reader on it forever.
Now for wordiness and impact of images.
Your first line is great. It's blunt and it conveys some emotion from the speaker. Also, I love in the second line how you use "- people still do that -" as an aside. It works quite well.
Here, you have an opportunity to create a stronger image. Instead of "fused together by," why don't you say "fused with"? Not only would it cut down on wordiness, but it would intertwine the poem and the bad dreams. Which is the next issue. "Bad dreams" is such a vanilla term (please don't substitute "nightmares," though. That one's been pretty done, too). I think you would benefit by perusing a thesaurus here.
"She said" isn't working for me here. I think you should omit that. It still makes sense without it. Or, if you don't think so, find a different way of saying it. It just doesn't feel right to me. I'm sorry I couldn't be more specific.
This is definitely my favorite part. However, I think that you should say "the few that mattered" instead of "a" because it sounds more specific, like those few words were something very important instead of moderately important.
Omit "that." It just kind of interrupts the flow and takes away from the impact of your last line.
Altogether, this is really lovely. Nice job. I hope that this review was helpful. Happy poeting!
Hey hey!
That was a rather well-written review. Well done! I agree with some points, and not-so much with others, but I'll bear it all in mind.
Thanks very much for your thoughts.
Cheers
I'd really like to see a better flow in this poem. A reader is more likely to keep reading and understand the piece better if it has a constant rhythm they can follow through out. You split up some of the sentences at places where they begin, etc.
I'd also like more passion coming from this, it left me dull. You could have gone into the story more, mentioning the how raw the silence was, about what happened with the girl, more of your aspects on the situation, as well as the girls aspects of the situation.
You should also use more describing words to make the scenario have a bit of charm, indulge the reader more, and have passion leaking out the seams.
Omzy!
Ok, so. I can't remember how to review, so instead you get review vomit from me. I don't like the specificity of "an email." I do, however, really like how "people still do that" is set off as an aside. Like, I think I understand why you were specific, but I just don't like it. So, call me contrary
I love "and in its... got/stuck inside" - that bit is great. But, after that it's just off, until you hit "and I remember..." Then it's much better - it doesn't quite jive for me, but it's also not as off as the bits directly above it. I'm actually not entirely convinced you need those lines I'm whining about - er, the ones in the middle. It feels like words you shoved in to make the poem longer than it wanted to be - so the extra words and their rhythm don't want to play nicely with everything else.
Otherwise! Oh, Omzy. I love things you write.
Interesting. I will think on this!
I brain-farted this one out while at work (I'm still at work...*sigh*) so I haven't had time yet to apply any real critical thought to it. Sometimes I don't even like to do that, and prefer just the raw, uneven mess that is the first draft.
Anyway, you made some good points. You'll probably see more stuff like this soon, as I'm about to start a Poetry Workshop unit for my Masters. Thanks for the comment review vomit!
Wait, wait, wait. You *are* doing a masters?! Last I heard you got in and were ranting about uni in general, I thought? Obviously, I should be on fb more, or something. And uh, I should probably take this to your wall (especially since I didn't get a notification you'd responded!). BUT. More poetry! This is most excellent.
The whole thing is very raw. I'm in love with how I get such a strong feeling from such a short entry. I am a little confused about what actually happened though. Maybe, it would be beneficial to tell you what I got from it so you know if you're getting the story across the way you want it to.
The girl, sent you an email. In it she spoke of things that happened during the night you spent with her. She wrote you a poem, or possibly just her describing her dreams to you seemed like a poem. She told you about things you said and stories you told her, and you either, don't remember saying these things because they didn't seem like they'd affect her like they did... or that you literally said nothing, and she had been talking to someone completely different. Or maybe you yourself were someone completely different "last night". I'm not going to go into the last line, because whatever it means, it's perfect.
Kudos.