The boy stared at it.
It stared back.
The silence lingered, stretched taut. Neither of them said anything; the boy was too terrified to think. The creature was seven feet tall, with shaggy black hair that snarled its way down its back and tawny gold eyes that gleamed. Its skin was a dead grey and it was wearing nothing but torn black trousers and a leather trench coat. Its long, iron nails were bathed in blood.
It was crouched only a few feet from the wall against which Mikhail leant.
Mikhail was trying very hard not to breathe loudly, or move, or do anything at all. Suddenly, the creature’s head snapped up, its nostrils flared and it sprung away, vanishing around the corner. It took a while for his heart to slow down, for the terror to slowly abate. He wasn’t going to die, not yet. He heard the massive titanium door screech backward and a slam.
His breath steamed in the air and he shivered, holding his thin legs close to his body. There wasn’t much room to move, so he took the chance to study his new surroundings. It was a simple dwelling of brick and wood, with few rooms and even less furnishing. There was an odd, musky smell in the air. From what he could see, it had the look of an abandoned hovel; holes were everywhere and the floor was little more than hard-packed earth. There was a small wooden table between him and the wall, a few scattered boxes and a large armchair with most of the stuffing still intact. He stared at it, wondering what it would be like to sit in its comfortable embrace. He didn’t dare get up though; he feared his captor would not be far away.
It was dark and there was little light to see by, only the slightest sliver of moonlight speared through the tiny window above. The longer Mikhail had to wait, the more nervous he became – What if the creature didn’t come back and left him here to die? He bit his lip. Unable to sit still any longer, he jumped up and grabbed a box, dragging it over to the wall. He stepped on it, using his new height to peer out the window.
He was surrounded by unfamiliar shapes, half-rotted and crumbled buildings. If not for the moonlight he wouldn’t be able to see even that. There were street lamps, but none of them were lit. This, more then anything else, brought home just how far he’d been brought. In the main City, not even one street went unlit, not at any time. To venture into darkness would be to invite death, even at his age he knew that. He could see the tall and varied building structures of the main City in the distance, towering into the sky, glowing with the light of a million trapped fireflies. Or so it seemed to him. As he stared out at it, wondering, rain started to sprinkle down and a gentle pitter-patter sound began.
Mikhail was doing his best to avoid thinking of what he’d seen earlier this night, of his capture and the failed operation to trap the creature. It was too much, too soon for his fragile mind. But he was fast running out of other things to think about. Even as this thought occurred to him, he heard a slight hiss from behind him. He almost missed it, what with the rain outside, but just then he turned his head fractionally and caught a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye. He flung himself around, heart beating wildly and pressed his back against the wall. His weak eyes, so used to light, tried to pierce the increasing gloom.
Eventually, the snake gave itself away by hissing and moving forward. Mikhail’s eyes widened and his mouth went dry. His thudding heart couldn’t take much more excitement; his body was frozen. He watched, a spectator in his own body as the snake sinuously made its way forward. It hissed and spat, rising up into the air. It was only now that Mikhail truly comprehended its size – even standing on the box, it was longer than he was tall and fully as thick. Terrified though he was, a distant part of him admired the deep sea green sparkle of its scales as it twined upward in the moonlight. If it attacked, Mikhail knew he’d have to respond, would have to reveal his true strength and ability and all would be lost. He knew the creature would sense it and whatever chance he had of surviving this ordeal would be gone.
“G-good snakey.”
Sweat was pouring down his body. The snake gathered itself, preparing to strike and faster then he could blink it blurred in the distance between them, stopping short just an inch from his face. Mikhail stifled a yelp and with iron control held himself still. As he did so, the snake spoke.
“How very interesting; what is a human child doing in Sunshine’s den?” It asked itself, swaying to and fro. “And still alive too, yes, this is most interesting indeed. Tell me, little boy, what are you doing here?”
It had a lovely, sibilant voice that seemed to shiver in the air. Mikhail found himself staring into its direct, golden eyes. He should have answered the question and he meant to, he really did but he found himself saying, “Oh. You can talk.”
The snake’s eyes narrowed to mere slits and a dangerous hiss began to build in the back of its throat. Mikhail gulped.
“Ah, that is to say…,” he hastily rectified. “I don’t know, sir… I was captured…Please don’t hurt me.” As it became clear that the snake wasn’t going to eat him – surely it wouldn’t bother conversing with him if that was so - he began to relax, just a little bit.
“Yes, well that much is obvious, but why? You’re not dead so he doesn’t intend to eat you. You’re not chained so he doesn’t mean to use you. You’re deadweight.” It slithered around and away, musing, considering. “Perhaps Sunshine’s taken a liking to you, perhaps you mean something to him… Oh yes, then it would be my responsibility to take you away from him, now wouldn’t it?” the snake said, eyes sparkling with a menacing light.
Mikhail’s mind raced. Could this be his chance to escape? But the more he considered it, the less likely it seemed. At least Sunshine, if that was its name, was remotely human. He didn’t like the look of this tricky snake at all. He bit his lip again, unsure of what to say.
*
Sunestraka frowned.
He was walking with a well concealed limp. He was now in the bowels of the earth; sewer tunnels surrounded him arching up and away. It was completely dark but that proved no problem for him. He could hear the slight scurrying of rats and other, heavier creatures he stayed well away from. His mind was, however, focused on another matter entirely.
The boy.
He couldn’t fathom why he’d taken him. It had been a spur of the moment decision and one that was, in hindsight, a very foolish one. The child had obviously been bait and fool that he was, he’d taken it. Still, they hadn’t reckoned on his strength and even now, a part of him was still glorying in the blood he’d shed this night. It was a worrying sign though; every year the Council threw its noose wider, tightening its control of the City. Emboldened by initial success, they dared now to strike into the Outskirts.
.And yet, he had saved the child, their pawn. Something about the boy had struck him, something familiar and elusive. His small, dark haired frame had been quaking with fear and not a little resolve too, to not have fled – it was this image that caused him to falter, that brought back memories he hadn’t considered in an age and it was this which he could not destroy. Sunestraka had grabbed the child and fled, leaping and bounding away with the same speed and savage grace that had just destroyed twenty men.
Now, forced by the rain to seek refuge in the sewers, he was going back home to where he’d left him. He was carrying a blanket in one hand and it was this he’d set out to retrieve. He turned a corner, coming into the stretch that contained the entrance to his hideaway.
*
“Well, boy, what do you say? Do you desire to escape or is it you that is attached to he and not the other way around?”
The rain was pouring down now. Mikhail’s shoulders drooped; he’d been through too much tonight and he was cold and hungry. “I don’t know. Just leave me alone. Let me think.”
“Tick-tock, the time for thinking is over. Make a choice,” it hissed.
Mikhail’s head was pounding and he found he just didn’t have the energy for it. He’d rather entrust his fate to the strange creature that had spared him before sneaking off with a serpent.
“No,” he said.
“So be it,” the snake hissed, turning to leave. As it did, a curious thing happened – it began to shrink and wilt until Mikhail could see that someone was blocking its way. Gaunt and menacing as ever, Sunshine stood glowering at the now meek serpent.
“What are you doing in my home, Sal?” he growled.
“Sonny, my boy! What a pleasure to see you. My mistress sends her greetings.”
Sunestraka snorted. “Get lost, little lizard, before I step on you.”
“Now, now Sunshine, play fair. I was merely interested in your new pet,” Sal quipped.
“He’s not my pet.”
“Ah,” Sal slithered forward eagerly. “Then what is he, exactly?”
“He’s none of your business. Now get lost,” he said, kicking at the snake. Clearly displeased, it hissed and backed off, slithering away into the darkness. Mikhail thought he heard further, quieter words exchanged but he couldn’t be sure. “Give my regards to the Witch,” he heard called aloud then. For the third time that night, Mikhail and Sunshine were alone. Mikhail, who had been enjoying watching the serpent get humiliated, felt his amusement fade away. He slumped down the wall, until he was seated on the box.
Sunshine threw the blanket at the startled boy. Mikhail flinched and it fell to the floor, untouched. After a moment, he brought the fur up to his chest, revelling in the warmth.
“Thank you,” he said.
Sunshine said nothing, merely stared at him. After a moment, he turned on his heel and prepared to pad away.
“Hey, wait!” Mikhail called after him, through the fog of increasing exhaustion. “What do you plan to do with me?”
Sunestraka stopped, but did not turn around. “I don’t know,” he said, sounding unsure for the first time. “I will decide in the morning. In the meantime, I advise you to get your rest.”
He need not have bothered with this last; Mikhail’s eyes were already drooping shut.
*
He was standing at a crossroads. Empty buildings and flats rose up above him; it was dark and cold. Above, on the roof, something was stalking him.
Everything was going as planned. All he had to do was stand there and look “desirable” – whatever that meant. Never question a Magister, that’s what he’d been taught and he wouldn’t. So he stood and waited. He could feel the eyes and lenses of the elite unit positioned all around him, but he couldn’t see them. Mikhail stood still, appearing to hesitate. Above, the cold light of the moon was blocked by shifting clouds and it was at that moment the creature struck.
The first thing Mikhail heard was a soft thud, then a harsh male voice shouted: “Now!” and he dove to the right, as planned, turning as he did so. He landed hard, feeling his shoulder burn but ignoring it as all around them, machine gun fire sprayed into the air. The intended target was not there, however; displaying the most incredible speed Mikhail had ever seen. It was spinning, leaping and diving – virtually bounding off the walls. Soon after this, the screams began.
Shivering, curled up in a ball, Mikhail tried to cover his ears and block out the sounds. Moments later, an explosion ripped through the air as a fireball arced through space, sending a stack of boxes and crates alight. The heat on his skin drove Mikhail backward and he struggled to get away. He got up and crawled as fast as he could to the nearest wall, hearing the shouts and screams continue about him. A contingent of men poured out of a building nearby.
“Take it down, take it down!”
“It’s too quick! Use the cluster-crystals, hurry!”
This was followed by the sound of an explosion and a curious whining as shards of crystal flew through the air, ricocheting off walls. The creature, a mere shadow, danced away seemingly floating on the air as the cluster-crystal did more damage to the men than their foe. In the disorientation that followed it got between them, its claws slashing through throats and disembowelling stomachs.
Blood flew through the air.
Mikhael tried to shut it all out, to close his eyes and forget. Even then, the flicker and flash still pressed upon his vision and he sobbed. Soon, the cries became fewer and fewer until only the odd gasp of pain or shout of anger troubled the night air. Gradually, Mikhail opened his eyes. There were several bodies nearby; he skipped over these quickly, surveying the rest of the area.
Nothing stirred.
He licked lips gone dry with terror, trying to generate some saliva and slowly sat up. A slow moving trail of blood was inching its way toward him. Mikhail could only stare at the rich crimson tide in dumbfounded horror and it was in the reflection of the gleaming liquid that he saw the creature’s shadow approach. Mikhail drew his knees in close to his chest, panic clawing its way through his body. As he did so, a body in the background moved and began to rise. It was the Magister – dressed as the other soldiers were but distinguished easily by the diamond shaped crystal embedded in his forehead. It was a symbol of power and authority that drew Mikhail’s eyes instantly, with fatal consequence.
The creature noticed the boy’s eye shift and moved slightly to the right in an insultingly slow fashion as a beam of light tore through the space he’d been standing only moments ago. Still in the same motion, it turned and flicked something bright lazily away. It flew straight and true, smashing the now pulsing crystal in the Magister’s forehead. The man’s eyes widened, for just one second locking with Mikhail’s, before his head exploded.
Sickened, Mikhail moaned and rolled over. He’d rolled out of the blanket and onto hard, uncomfortable ground. Moments later, his eyes opened and he stared at the blank grey wall. He had an ugly, dirty feeling in the pit of his stomach. It seemed he couldn’t escape what occurred; no matter how hard he tried. Now he knew what he’d tried not to think about, what he’d tried to forget. His lips trembled as the realisation sank it.
He had killed the Magister and saved the creature.
He was a criminal.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
*throws more chapters at you*
XD.
Heya! I know, I love writing my short stories... but I wanted to prove to myself that I could write a novel length story, you know, and be consistent. I'm glad you liked it!! Yay.
Thanks everyone for the comments.
They are much appreciated.
I apologize Jig. Really, I am entirely ashamed of myself. This story has been laying around here blind from my eyes and I did nothing about it. If you want, throw something at me and hope it hits my heart.
Alright enough with the tears, lets get down to the critiquing. I must say that you may be the King of subtlety but you are also the king of short stories, brilliant weirdness and now thrilling fantasy. Usually, I can't really get into fantasy that is written like this unless its a movie ( I love Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings but I can't even pick up the books) But this I actually enjoyed this. You created suspense right in the very beginning and you kept the picture of thrillisticness (not a word but it will be...one day) going. I had chills going through me when you described the monster...and then to find out it was a snake! Thanks Jig but now you gave me another reason to fear snakes. You wrote this story as if you were telling it around a fire on a camping trip. It was wonderful and your descriptions! Alright I know I shouldn't expect anything less than great from you but you amaze me all the time. Usually, I quote my favorite lines in a piece but I can't seem to do this because the new updates to YWS don't allow you to look at the writing again. But anyways, I really enjoyed this and if you don't keep writing this I might just have to really hurt you. I'll get to the other chapters soon.
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel
P.S. Your character names are beautiful
amazing story! beutifully put together
possibly replace and with as
i wont put any other suggestions due to all the other people's and i might suggest something that has already been said
as i said, amazing story, have to read the other chap's now
I realize that I seemed confused by everything, but then again I am a picky editor, and when I'm in editor mode I sometimes forget to be a good reader as well. By all means (and especially since no one else seems to be having my trouble) don't go changing everything just to make me happy. I shall be taking a peek at your next chapter, and now that I know your goals a bit better, perhaps I shall be a tad more merciful.
Perhaps. Anyway, loving it all!
P.S. Please do mod/improve on the snake, even a tiny little bit! He seems so very cool, I want to make sure he lives up to all his glorious reptilian potential.
P.S.S. I :heart: Sunny.
Whoa, yeah, so it would seem.
Thank you all for the taking the time to comment and for the helpful comments - when I come back to edit all this, it will do a world of good. So cheers on that.
You know, I was a little bit apprehensive about them not knowing what is going on... just makes things a little harder to navigate in a convincing fashion. But I will endeavour to continue.
Cheers, all!
Intriguing... very interesting. The first thing I had to consider was: is this for real? You mentioned yourself that Mikhail's judgments couldn't be entirely reliable, but I'm wondering whether his senses are functioning, as well. Sunestraka's existence is confirmed by the operation (why would they use a child as bait? For Sunestraka to destroy, or to rescue? It's an excellent mechanic to develop Sunestraka's motivations and context, especially with your method of narration; good work with that.)
The likely period of shock comes immediately after capture, rendering much of his conversation with Sal disputable... but Sunestraka (confirmed by self-narration) comes back and appears to converse with Sal as well, which goes towards justifying Sal/Mikhail's talk. It does work, all in all, but I'm getting this feeling that somewhere down the line, it'll become clear that something in this series of events is not quite as it seemed at first. That, or I'm exceeding my paranoia quota for the day. Moving on.
You've created a very strong foundation for further plot development, with characters that have a lot of flexibility in growth - all good. The questions that I found myself asking, I trust you to answer in later sequences, so I'll hold off on some of the more obvious ones. It seems that at this point, the characters don't quite know or understand what exactly is going on, and that's just fine. They'll have plenty of time to make up their minds
Keep up the good work. We're all (glances at other posts) looking forward to more.
Woah.
Very well done.
The bolded errors mostly deal with grammatical stuff - no fun, but depressingly necessary. That being said, this was excellent...so much different than what I expected. It's very unique, and therefore refreshing. I'll definitely be following this story.
I have one suggestion that you may or may not choose to take - but I think when Mikhail is referring to Sunestraka, you should capitalize the word "It". It would give more meaning to the idea that this creature is not human and Mikhail does not trust it. Also, it would distinguish between the creature and other items lying around - the snake, the chair, etc.
Anyway, that's my two cents. Looking forward to more!
~Sunny
Edit: Ignore the slashes all over your third paragraph...I don't know why it's doing that.
I think this is great! I too would read on. I like your description, very lucid. This is the kind of story I would usually look for on various short story sites to keep myself occupied. Looking forward to the follow up to this.
Hey, thanks for the comment.
As for Mikhail and killing the Magister -- of course he didn't actually do it, but he's just a kid so he feels responsible. If he hadn't glanced at the Magister, perhaps Sunshine wouldn't have noticed and the man would still be alive. You see the reasoning? He's just a boy, so not everything he thinks is going to be right.
But yes, I'm glad you liked it.
Cheers
Very well done, I can honestly say that I'll keep reading the story. I especially like how you have his capture and then flash back in the dream to explain what happened. I'm a bit confused on how Mikhail killed the magister. I like how you portray the two different parts of the world, and how they exist side by side.
You made the story flow well and your descriptions are solid. I like how you show the snake, he acts like a bully but he wimps out instantly when faced with someone stronger. You could have focused a bit more on the thing that kidnapped him, maybe mention why the "army?" is trying to kill him. Other then that I don't have many issues, just that maybe you should mention a little more of the society they live in. Spend a little more time developing it, but I'm sure you'll get around to that as story progresses.
All in all, I really like how this is written, I'm looking forward to the next part.
Whoa!
I mean, whoa.
For the most part, very helpful suggestions! Thanks a bunch Gyr *hugs*. I am not, I should say straight off, going to make wholesale changes immediately. I am writing this to prove a point to myself, that I (being a short story writer predominantly) can write a novel length piece should I wish. So, my main aim is to get it all out, not focus on making it perfect.
Having said that, a lot of those little things I'm going to take care of. Note - disembowelling - is spelled just like that in Australia, :p . We differ on single and double 'l's for some reason.
I have to say you seem confused by, well, just about everything. Its not the kind of confusion I'm getting from anyone else, which is why I am a bit hesitant about some of the questions you were raising. The biggest issue for me was your not understanding the conclusion or aftermath of the battle. That, I really can't have. Now, someone else was confused by it, a little; he got it but thought the wording confusing. You, on the otherhand, just didn't get it, which sucks cos now I think I'm going to have to go over and change it.
*sigh* So much work you've given me, Gyr!
I can explain those points to you, if you like, but I'll do so in a PM. I raise a lot of questions in this piece and I don't give all the answers, because I think that should be more spaced out rather than cram this chapter with them. And believe me, I really, really wanted to. Until I realised such a discussion between Sunny (I like calling him that too XD) and Mikhail would take pages and pages and for them, hours and hours. Not feasible, really. So I'm spacing them out. You must keep reading!!
*throws gifts and things at you*
On the long sentence note, not sure what I can do there. I'll break some of those I think should be broken, but I guess its more a stylistic, then grammatical thing. Although of course, it could affect the flow.
Again, thanks!!
(cont.) Don't forget, you asked for it!
Question: Why did Sunshine leave in the first place?
Aha. You might want to mention this earlier, and even if you don’t, nix or seriously reword the bit in red—rather awkward wording there.
This just now occurred to me, but I thought the boy saw houses and streets (well, street-lamps anyway, I assumed that meant there were streets) outside the window, and yet here we are in the sewers?
Crazy convoluted sentence. Please make it clearer what the heck the snake is trying to say, and perhaps chop the sentence up into more manageable bites while you’re at it.
As I said, “now” is a tricky word when you’re writing in past-tense. Avoid it as much as you possibly can, and you definitely don’t need it here.
Eh? How’s that? What strange creature—the snake or Mr. Sunny? And how did he “entrust his fate” to anyone—he seems more swept-along than catalyst here, and if you intended to make him seem more active in what happens to him you might want to go back and change some of the earlier descriptions of his capture.
How does Mikhail know Sunny’s real name? Please keep it in one character’s viewpoint at a time!
I hate to tell you, but that is not a quip.
You might want to mention his name at one or the other of these points—“Sunshine,” don’t forget, as Mikhail doesn’t yet know his real name.
Unhappy verbs. “who had enjoyed watching” would work better, methinks.
What fur?
You see the trouble? Maybe vary your sentence structure a bit here, especially as all three of these begin paragraphs very close to each other.
“according to plan”, “as planned”? Don’t think you can leave it as is.
Hmmm. You either need to make this two sentences or nix “that’s what he’d been taught”. Either way, change the last “wouldn’t” to “hadn’t”.
I think you mean “lenses,” unless there’s just one lens.
Confusing verb—is his shoulder litterally on fire or are you just describing the pain from its impact with the ground?
Another too-long sentence, but this one is easily remedied—split it at the semicolon. Especially with action scenes, the shorter sentences you have, the better.
*skepticism* So, the heat, more than the gunfire and screams, convinces him that he needs to leave? Also, nix the red—you’ve shown us the storm of death already.
Run-on again, and you’re missing a word at “seemingly.” I’d suggest something like this: “danced away. It seemed to float…”, though as always I realize my style is different from yours.
I’m not a big spelling buff, but my spell-checker is telling me that’s spelled “disemboweling” and somehow I doubt that’s a merely Aussie/American thing.
Do you mean “pressed”?
What became fewer and fewer? The sobs?
Just a couple redundancies.
What’s shadow approach?
What creature, the Magister? *is confused*
Another too-long sentence.
*still confused* The whole aftermath of the battle is very disorienting—I’m not sure what’s happening or who it’s happening to.
A dude’s head exploding makes him only uneasy?
What blanket? Are we back to “the present”? If so, please indicate.
I know it seems like a lot, but nix everything in red and you’re left with a short, intense sentence that has a lot more punch than the longer one. Trust me, you don’t need to tell us that “he would be forever haunted.” “He couldn’t escape what occurred” tells us that very, very well.
Again with the “now.”
Overall
Okay, I really think this has got a ton of potential. Your main trouble is that, while you intrigue the reader, you don’t answer enough of their questions to make it worth their while to keep reading. You give us little to no real idea of why Mikhail’s life was spared, what Mr. Sunshine is really like, why the heck there’s a talking snake and why it’s interested in Mikhail, what Mikhail can actually “do” (you hint at an unusual power), or even how Mikhail killed the Magister. You don’t need to answer all of these questions, and I’m not saying you should stop the action to fully explain any of them. But you leave your readers dangling too much, and without enough strings to keep us tied to what’s going on, we often fall off the cliffhangers. [/bad writing pun]
What you do well: I’m really, really curious about Sunny (yes, I am going to keep calling him that). He’s a unique character and I find myself drawn to him, even more than to Mikhail. Mikhail himself is also intriguing, but I think a few more hints as to who/what he really is/can really do would make him even more so. I wish I could say the same for the snake—he has so much potential to be a really interesting addition, but his awkward dialogue and unreadable motives just make him seem like you threw him in for novelty. I like your world a great deal—the crystal in the Magister’s forehead is just the sort of tasty hint I was talking about earlier, and Sunny’s reflections on current politics had me wanting to learn more, but content to wait for it.
From what I’ve read, I know this is going to be a story worth reading, you just have to make that clear to your other readers as well. As I said in my “Will Review for Food” thread, I only stay with stories that I enjoy. I’m enjoying this one, and as long as I feel I’m being of some help, I’d be honored to keep critiquing them for you.
Here we go! Note: as my review is really, frighteningly long, I’m going to split it into two posts so that you don’t strain your eyes overmuch.
A beautiful opening.
Nix the bit in red—show us the good reason, don’t tell us that he had one.
1) I’m not a fan of that “had.” Either add “and” before it, or change it to something like “with.”
2) “Snarled” normally refers to a sound. I know what you mean, what you’re trying to say about the hair, but you might want to pick a different verb as this has confusing connotations.
Hmmm, this borders on being just a bit too much description, especially for the tense opening you seem to be going for. The first sentence, describing the creature’s height, unusual hair and eyes, works because it shows us why the boy is terrified. But do we really need to know, right now, what color the creature’s skin is, or what it’s wearing? I’d keep the bit about the nails dripping blood (btw, do you mean iron-colored, or made of iron?), but that’s all.
Can we get some idea of where it dropped him? Even a short clause: “dropped him on the street / in the cave / at the end of the alley.”
A bit of a run-on sentence. You need something like “its” between “up” and “nostrils,” but I think it would look better if you make “It’s nostrils flared and it sprung…” a whole separate sentence.
Nix what’s in red—tis redundant.
What’s his name again?
Technical note—carpets normally aren’t set over dirt, but a wooden floor of some kind, and tearing that out to reveal the dirt below would not be worth the effort.
If he knows, then that indicates that he knows more about these creatures than we’re privy to. If he’s just afraid that the captor is nearby, then say so and that tells us more about his character.
You’ve already demonstrated that he’s worrying and fretting, you don’t have to tell us that’s what he’s doing—nix.
I’m getting a definite “I Am Legend” vibe—zombies? (sorry, forgot you’re not American—I Am Legend is a movie starring Will Smith with zombies that don’t like the light)
I don’t think we need to know how the city (or, City) is actually lit, so long as you tell us (with “Or so it seemed to him”) that it is not, in fact, lit by trapped fireflies.
Hmm, this is interesting. Most people just tell and forget to show, but you show and then tell!
It’s unclear what is too much, too soon. Thinking about the events, or the events themselves?
Nix, just clutters the sentence.
Great touch!
Nix, tis redundant and sounds like something an old granny would say.
Tis an odd way to describe a snake—the “fully as thick” works, but snakes are normally described as long, not tall.
Tis a trixsy word to use when you’re in past-tense—it worked when you used it once before, but here tis unnecessary.
Nix and replace with a comma, please. Awkward wording.
How did it become obvious? Did the snake’s eyes un-slit themselves? Did it stop hissing or pull slightly away from…what’s his name again? Anyway, you get the idea.
That depends on whether “taking you away from him” involves the snake’s esophagus or the door…;)
Aha, “Sunshine,” I get it.
Do we need to know that it’s well-concealed?
You do have a thing for smushing sentences up together—if you want these two to remain behind the same period, I’d recommend a semicolon or, better yet, a dash between “earth” and “sewer.”
Feels clunky. You could make it flow better from the sentence before it by doing something like “He wasn’t worried about them right now, though. His mind was focused on an entirely different matter—the boy.” You see?
Unless the boy was, litterally, strung out on a hook, nix this, and patch up the punctuation around it.
Again with the squishing up sentences. Split them at the red “and,” I’d say, and start the next one with “Emboldened by its initial success, it now dared to…” Even if you choose different wording or a different arrangement of the sentences, it definitely needs to be split somewhere.
Nix, tis redundant after all you just said.
Unless 1) the boy’s entire frame is dark-haired and/or 2) the dark hair is important, nix.
0.0 Again with the really long sentences, and this one rather confusing. It’s the first bit in red that really threw me off—why not stop at “quaking with fear” and use the next sentence to say something like “Even so, it must have taken resolve for the boy to not have fled” or such. You also need another split somewhere near the red “that,” as you go off on a completely different subject with the whole memories thing.
Its posted, by the by. XD
Sweet - glad you liked it. The second chapter is proving to be quite the persistant bugger, in that it refuses to end and die. I should post it later today.
Cheers
Awesome! Very descriptive and suspenseful! I love it! I like the way mikhails mind works as well
. Not a lot of mistakes, so kudos for that! The snake idea is really neat as well. where did you get your inspiration or idea for this? it's very unique! Great first chapter, keeps me in suspense and wanting more. great job and keep up the good work!
Aj~
Yeah, in Australia it's spelled with an 's'. I'm working on Chapter Two at the moment, twil be interesting to see where this goes.
Thanks again.
Couldn't help noticing a few comma misuses, so I'll point 'em out.
Another thing I noticed. It says, "his body frozen, paralysed." That's usually spelled with a Z. It's ok, though; in the US it's Z, and in Britain it's S. That's about it.
Ah, nicely spotted.
*Changed.
Cheers and thanks, all, for the responses.
It's pretty good, much better than what I can come up with without at least three rewrites. The only thing I saw was this:
Moments later, an explosion ripped through the air as a fireball arced through the air, sending a stack of boxes and crates alight.
Try not to use the same word twice in the same sentence.
Ah, thanks for the comments. This is the first chapter of an old story that I'm rewriting. I'm adding the rest of the chapter now.
The introduction is nice, although I think it would be better if you'd added in there that the creature was vaguely humanoid. Until you describe it wearing trousers, its a little unclear if it walks on four legs, two legs, et cetera.
For some reason this kind of strikes me as an info-dumping sentence. Unfortunately I really can't suggest any way to better integrate this information, save for starting with an earlier scene, but I think you should see if you can shuffle it around a bit so that it's more subtle.
I feel like "get humiliated" is a little informal for this piece, as is the word "till" (as opposed to until).
You have a lot of interesting stuff going on here, I am especially interested in the contrast between this City vs. Outskirts, and I can't wait to see how you expand on that. The only thing I noticed in your writing is that sometimes you use phrasing where you really could just use a verb, if that makes sense. George Orwell wrote a really descriptive essay on political writing that touches on that point, which can be found here. It's kind of a diatribe against some political writers he wasn't happy with at the time - obviously I think your work is lovely, so don't take any of that part personally - but I utilize a lot of the techniques he discusses when I'm editing, so it's fairly enlightening.
Awesome! Keep writing on this one for sure only what is that thing that took the boy you didn't describe it very well. Anyway I love this so far and ill defiantly keep reading!You did have a few grammar errors but not major or anything.PLEASE KEEP WRITING!!!!!