My Perfect Girl

This is one of the best poems I've ever read! It was so beautiful and vehement, and I can't think of anything else to say right now because I'm just speechless right now... Loved it!

Wow! I like your poem - truly touching and full of emotions. I love how you chose your words which makes your poem so alive. Thumbs up! xD Keep writing

Hi JesusFreak900,
Haha wow. Your poem is amazing. From this you sound like "the perfect guy" haha. If you ever right a girl poetry like this I'm sure she'll try hard to be "your perfect girl" You've obviously made all us yws girls swoon
Good luck find you your perfect girl

I read it. First off- I'll have you know that I'm a Christian, too. You probably come from a household that stresses purity, etc. So do I. That must have been your inspiration.

Anyway, I didn't like it that much. The awkward combination of realism and romanticism made it seem utterly stream-of-conscious/what-I-think-ey. Those with a more critical eye, such as ^pup^, touched on this before me (as did MMM, in an explosion of experienced rhetoric ). While I do hold your same opinions on this matter of having a faithful marriage, I do think that a good poem should possess one ideology or the other.

In other words, you should express either a realistic standpoint, or a good vs. bad standpoint. But, you chose to break those boundaries, and decided (probably inadvertently) to skip between the two- romanticism and realism.

Upon thinking about it for a bit, I've found that this was admirable. Your poem was a shaky attempt at touching both the spirit and actuality of Love, and I'm not one to talk about trying new things, but I think this was a worthwhile read. It aptly portrayed the side of Love that modern, Western culture is often blinded to.

So, kudos, but it was still shaky. (Nonetheless better than I could've written it ) Keep writing!

Wow! That was... TOUCHING ! I really loved it! How awesomely sweet.

Im sure you'll find her one day! Just you wait!

Pup has a point. There are ones willing to cultivate and there are ones willing to crush.

If the name didn't symbolize where my stance is, you might take this warning and understand that I'm not the type to be easy on anyone, especially one who shows an interest in poetry.

Now, as ol' Mustardy noted on the emotion of this said poem, I'm more for the mechanics. How does this poem work? Does it work effectually? Is the point given across in a manner that is distinctly you and distinctly original? Some believe that poetry should not be critiqued for such things as mechanics simply because poetry is not prose. I disagree fully and you shall see why as I break this down.

First and foremost, you have a rather jutty structure. The stanza's are not equal (which does not necessarily matter in the long-run) nor are the lines are an equal level as each other so the poem in itself already starts off as being a free-based, free-thinking poem. The kind of poem you'd expect a seasoned poet to take on, as it gives the appearance, right of the bat, as being something profound. Of course, if you have nothing profound to say, this might come across as being rather... silly. Rudimentary, if you will.

So, as Mustard said prior, we have a rather... childishly themed piece here. One that expresses a sentiment that many a youngin' with little experience of love states about finding such a passion.

Now, on a whole, at least you have a topic. Poetry does not need to simply be. It should be something the writer feels, and you feel this, yes? So I cannot really complain too much on the object of which you speak. What I will go on about, though, is the way in which you decide to get this sentiment across.

You fall into a pattern that many young poets do. The list. You list away things in which you feel. Things in which you want us to know and understand. Your list expresses things in which you find you need, find that you want, find that you're trying to accept in this said girl. All in all, its a list and nothing more. A thesis being proved.

Does that make good poetry? No. A good essay? Maybe.

Poetry should be from the heart. It should be extracted, unrefined. It should be messy and yet clean. A contradiction, if you will. A way in which you give us a glimpse rather than a bunch of reasons. Metaphor will be your biggest friend in that case, and imagery as well. Without these two things, all you have here is the idea and the passion, but no substance at all.

If your sentiments are from the heart, which they are, take time and simply write. None of this 'rhyme scheme' business. That will only hinder the thought process and the piece as a whole. In fact, stay away from structures until you are comfortable enough with free-based poetry, simply because you spend so much time trying to created that rhyme that you end up lacking in the actual content of the piece. You need to be comfortable with your diction first and foremost.

That being said, as a whole, I didn't exactly hate this. I wasn't exactly thrilled simply because I cannot really understand the reasoning. Keep writing, though. Keep practicing. You'll find growth within yourself and your work the moment you stop thinking inside the box. Most poets leave the box completely.

~Walker

Pup is right, some of us will rip you apart.

JesusFreak900 wrote:I haven’t decided what Love’s all about
But in my mind there isn’t one doubt
That it is good for me
And good for you too
If you promise to care for me
In our days together; through and through
Now promise me this
This one little thing
That to this everlasting relationship
You will bring
Your love and devotion
Your commitment and care
Until my breath fails me
Until I am no longer there
If you can do this,
As I will too
I swear, with God as my witness
I will marry you
I’ll take your hand,
Ease your pain,
Kiss you in the darkness
In the pouring rain
I will whisper to you softly
My words ever so lovely:
What a difference you make
In the paths that I take

I haven’t yet found you
In this enormous world
Though, If I continue to pray
This undecipherable code will unfurl
And allow me to find you:
My perfect girl

eww, gross, a love poem.

I know this won't be helpful at all but this is a very great write and I love it! *likes*

It seems somewhat contrived; there's too much focus on rhyming things. Yes, I know this is a poem, but rhyme is actually only secondary. The focus should be on the content.

You're not entirely consistent, either. You have a bunch of kiddy-ish lines like "good for you too", and then you have "this undecipherable code will unfurl." It's almost like you're switching styles, and I like the second one better. (Incidentally, it might be "indecipherable". That just sounds better to me, but I could be wrong.)

I do like the sentiment you're expressing here. It just seems like it's wrapped in a wad of cheese here. (I'm also wondering if certain people feel like this when they look at my poems... I tend towards the cheesy.)

I've been a bit harsh here on purpose, at least for me. (Some people will rip you apart. Those are fun! 8P) This is because everyone else was so nice to you. It's great for the ego, but not so good for the writing.

Take care! You have some good stuff here. Keep working on it! I know you can do it.

Awwww This is so cute! I wish guys I knew were more like you instead of immature. This is really good! It had a nice rhythm to it, I kinda wanted to sing along to it lol Keep on writing!!!

This was so sweet !I can't even express my emotions right now or how much I liked it!

That to this everlasting relationship
You will bring
Your love and devotion
Your commitment and care
Until my breath fails me
Until I am no longer there

What a beautiful poem. It's so romantic. If only the rest of the world would allow themselves to feel love and realise again the importance of marriage. I hope life doesn't taint your beautiful and innocent mind.

This was well written, I must say... It had a very nice rhythm and you kind of tried to rhyme, though I didn't catch the scheme.
Now, about what you actually said...
This is awesome. There's no other way to say it. For today's teens to be thinking like this is really cool and think it is the mentality God-followers are supposed to have.
I have a poem on here that is very similar to this one called Beautiful. You should check it out. It's a little simpler wording, but it is a little more intense and more mature sounding, but this makes sense since I'm a good three years older.
All in all, well writ.

This is an amazing poem, truly loved it! I loved the way it all seemed to come together. It's what every girl wants to hear!
Love,
EvensLily x

Beautiful poem. The language is really smooth and flowing. The way you captured that "finding the one" theme is really cute. They are right, it is every girl's dream to hear these words . I did not find much wrong here. A good read.
Keep writing and best wishes!

This is really good! Its what every girl wants to hear! and it is very heart warming and wonderful! Love it!!

I can't see anything either, at least at this moment, shiney1! This poem is very heartwarming and very accurate. Well, I think so any way If only divorce didn't happen as often as it does. The Perfect Girl really sends home how important marriage can be with this line:

What a difference you make
In the paths that I take

Wow, this is really touching and well thought through. Very heartwarming! I cannot give a full review at the moment, but I hardly see anything. Great work!