Published July 22, 2014
When you crossed the gates and looked at me
I knew it would be the last time I would see you
Perhaps it was for the best I set you free
Sooner or later, it'd become a solitary rue
When you tried to kiss me goodbye
I don't regret walking away
And I don't ever ask myself why
I don't regret letting you go astray
I don't want you to have peace of mind
Or find it in your heart to let it go
From all the times that you were unkind
And mean, and brute, and raw, and low
Daddy, I miss slashing your tires
I miss ripping up all of your clothes
I miss dreaming of cutting your wires
And clogging up your garden hose
Oh daddy, why did you turn my eyes red
For now I'm always in strangers' cars
Feeling all types of linen in all kinds of beds
And trying to drown you away in bars.
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140,572 Literary Works • 673,518 Reviews
I liked it, its diffrent from the poems I usually read. I felt there as real raw emotion in that poem, but the rhyme used in it took away from that emotion. I think the poem could be more powerful without it. I loved the beginning of the poem because it felt it could lead anywhere, take any path. it caused my head to jump from one possibility to another keeping me intrigued, with each line and clue the image became clearer.
Hello, rhia here to review!
Alright, so usually I go through and pick at grammar and spelling first, but I couldn't find any mistakes there, so I'll just go through, read, and tell you what I like and dislike as I read.
Okay, so as I started reading, I realized that you were doing a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. Your words told me what was happening, but I want them to paint me an image of what is happening. Channel the pain and passion of these feelings into some semblance of imagery within the story. You did a vary good job of telling the story and telling it well, but more figurative language will pump this up poetically to a new level of emotion.
ANother thing. I'm totally for people deciding whether or not they want punctuation or not. You put commas into the few places that really needed them, which is good. However, remember that within the poem, punctuation signals the reader to pause. It adds to the piece dramatically, building it up, making certain parts seem more important. If I'm reading with very little punctuation, I'm reading through it very quickly, choppily, all these almost sentences running into one. If you aren't going to use punctuation, I reccomend you play with line breaks and enjambent more, because those tools will force a stop in the readers reading, while you still get the effect of no punctuation.
Remember that with poetry, less is more. If you can say the same thing with less words, you should. So my advice is that you pick the strongest word to describe them, and leave the rest.
You should really have a question mark here.
Otherwise, I thought this was good. If you add more figurative language, it'll be awesome. Figurative language will make the reader feel it. Lots of people can connect to this, so your job as a writer is to make as many people connect to it as deeply and personally as possible. Always ground your poetry with lots of imagery before adding feeling, which I think you did very well here. You used more concrete language than abstract, so props there.
Keep it up!
Hey there. I'll be writing you a review. This'll just be short.
So, the first error I noticed was that you had not placed any periods in every line. You should put full stops because it's still a sentence, but it's normal to commit that mistake because it's common for us to forgot punctuation marks, and commas are missing there, too.
You have good grammar and you picked your words beautifully.
The good thing about your work is that I can relate. I feel the same except for the scene where the narrator sleeps with other people and get drunk every night.
You picked a really great theme because it is how most, especially us teens, feels and you have portrayed it quite well. I think it would be really nice if you have shown more of the experiences of the narrator on the hands of her father, just to stir the emotions conveyed in the poem.
So that's all.