Published August 4, 2010
Why do i cry,
After you cross my mind?
Why do I wallow in my sorrow,
When I think of tomorrow?
Why do I suffer from this depression,
After I saw your expression
Why,
Oh Why,
Did you have to die?
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Canary word: Present
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Just gonna get to the point here, rhyming was good but this confused me a bit. Shouldn't you have put that someone died in the beginning ? Or give some hint to it other than keep saying 'why' try to rework the words a bit. Theres not much for me to work with here. Keep writing though, I'm sure you can do better.
This piece was definitely written with emotion, and I hope (if it is based on true events in your life) that you find comfort. I know the feeling, and just thinking of such a thing happening to another person who is close to me is hard to bear.
However, while reading it, it feels as if the rhyme was forced.
This line in particular, although deep, doesn't flow too well (in my opinion).
Cheers, Doug
So tragic!
I really like this line. It's very strong and I like the use of wallow
Nice poem!
In terms of an inpromptu speech it is good as well as the rhyming.
I like the use of the words, and surely when you say this to someone, it's like wow!
Amazing!
Also keep in mind of choosing the right words
Never use words that are too deep.
Simple is fine.
Also remember your grammar.
Overall it is nice.
Hey Jesse,
What I thought...
I think you tried a bit too hard on the rhyming and that killed it a bit. This is good but it most definitely can be improved upon, there should be a bit more imagery. There really wasn't any kind of misspelling in this but there were times when grammar failed you.
Suppper intenseee!!! You sent this to me in a text once I think. Okayy! It's kinda sad :'(. Imagine me blinking away the tears. I really do like this poem though in all seriousness!!
Much Love,
--Anne<3