Published December 7, 2011
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Jessa,
I kind of like this, in the sense that I can really get and understand the emotions, there's definitely a connection with the reader here. I also like a lot of your word-choices and I totally like what it is you're trying to say. I think the idea behind this is great, just that it needs quite a bit of revising and polishing (doesn't everything?)
For one, I get this vague awareness of imagery, but before it goes deeper - it gets didactic. Refrain from "telling" too much in poetry, I understand the speaker is talking about the ways of a person, but an image says a thousand words, right? Sensory details allow for the reader to really experience the poem - to see, taste, hear, and smell it - it's what makes a poem memorable and immediately tangible.
Now, the second thing I'd like to suggest is to veer away from rhyme. It just sounds too forced for me. Try to experiment with free-verse, because I feel if you have something to say - then free-verse is a great option to get the message across without having to limit yourself. Rhyme is just a gimmick. You can create beautiful sounds without having to resort to rhyme.
The first two lines say the same thing as the last two. I prefer the last, because it has more imagery. The first two lines just reiterate what you have in your title anyway, which is not at all a bad title in my opinion. I know you were wondering about that.
Last two lines are just weak/forced. I think we all know who the devil is. That being said, the strength of the first two lines is apparent. I mean, the imagery it creates is great, and the sounds, submerge/solitude ...living reaper, are fantastic. I'm seeing a pattern here. It's almost like, you write the first two lines based on what it is you want to say, and the next two lines based on what will fit to rhyme the piece xD All of that just becomes wasted words though. Remember, poetry is economical. The more you can say with less words, the better! And if you're saying the same thing over and over -- scratch it out!
This is where I say it gets didactic. i love the image of the vessel sailing out to see, but by telling me directly how this image relates to the poem with the "why doesn't my life mean more" line - it's like I'm being spoonfed a message, rather than allowing me to work out the poem for myself.
The next stanza I would just delete. Nothing new here.
Meh. I like the first two lines, the last two are alright except it's just taking the same idea from the beginning stanza and title but repeated in different words.
I hope this helps. I know I've been tough and nitpicky, but believe me if I didn't do this for the sake of salvaging the treasures in this. I'm a big fan of dark and mysterious imagery in poetry, so I'm not going to lie and say I didn't enjoy this regardless.
~ as always, Audy
There's something really mysteriously compelling about this poem. I like the way you intertwine the ideas, and really my one critical thought here is just that it doesn't flow *quite* as well as it could, or at least I couldn't find a steady rhythm to it, but all the same, I thought this was really well-written and definitely interesting.
Keep writing!
StoryWeaver
Hey Jessa!
.
First off, I think that this is an awesome poem XD. It has an air of mystery, some sort of soft secret that I shouldn't be hearing >.>. It really drew me in, and with each stanza I wanted to know more. You're word choices were brilliant, and really added to the theme.I especially loved the last stanza, it was just... <3. I thought it was a really good ending, and kind of beautiful. The overall idea is really interesting and in no means cliche, so that's good. For the title, I think that the one you have is just fine, but it could be better. If you really want to change it, I always try to piece words from the poem together, so you could have 'unsolved riddle' 'suppressed emotions' or 'surrender me' for example
Onto the critique!
1) In the first stanza, I think it would flow much better if you added 'are' before te first word of the last line, so it becomes 'are covered by a veil of black'.
2) In the second stanza, it would sound much better if you changed 'become' to becoming, or put an 'and' before become.
3) In the last line of the same stanza, I think you should change your comma to a '-'. You also need a full stop/period at the end. (so it looks like 'the devil - your soul's keeper.'
4) I think the last line of the third stanza would be better reworded as 'why my life doesn't mean more'. If you did, I believe you would need to get rid of the question mark.
Overall, I really loved this poem!
Keep up the writing,
~Tinkem
I like the poem other than I didn't quit understand it, maybe it's the language that was used but other than that I loved it
Hey Jessa! HPR here!
My favourite stanza was this one:
I really liked your poem a lot. Your rhyme scheme was consistent, the poem flowed very well and I could relate to the concept too! Your beginning stanza and ending stanzas were very good. I don't have any critiques because I think your poem was beautiful and perfect just the way you wrote it. Sorry if I wasn't much help.
It had a certain something that really drew me in and I really liked it because of that. This wasn't a review, just a comment.
~HPR~