Published July 10, 2011
I pick up the phone,
then set it back down.
You made me feel like a princess,
then took away my crown.
Still, I long for us to talk,
to hear your smooth voice.
Nothing I could say or do,
could make us rethink our choice.
Yet I remember it all,
our dreams, hopes, and prayers.
And that one night we were alone,
just you and me downstairs.
You held out your arms,
for me to crawl into.
Your lips caressed my body,
leaving kisses like a tattoo.
Yeah all of it was great,
but we drove each other wild.
We didn't see eye to eye,
all our complaints were filed.
This is how I managed,
to let you let me go.
Our flame was extinguished,
leaving only an eery glow.
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139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Yeah all of it was great,
but we drove each other wild.
We didn't see eye to eye,
all our complaints were filed.
I didn't like this stanza - it felt too forced, and yet it could've been so much more powerful. Also, at times in your work, it felt like your meter was off and the beat didn't work too well.
I'm a very nitpicky person, so I apologize for these little things; it was emotional and it felt easy to sympathize with the work and the message you were sending. You had some great one-liners too; 'to let me let you go' or something like that really got me. Keep writing.
Helloo Jessaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! XD
I like this poem! It's kind of sad and beautiful! There's a nice rhyme in there and I like the idea behind it (which you worked out great)!
There's just one little thingy:
I think "pick" should be "picked". But maybe I'm wrong XD
Anyway, I hope this helped a little and I really enjoyed reading this!
keep writing
-qaralynn-
This was good, I mean really good. I could almost hear music to it, like this could be a song. To be honest I couldn't find anything wrong with it or anything in need of editing. This was awesome to read, really made the audience believe what you were going through.
-Renn
I loved this poem it is so beautifull. I've heard similar songs with the same plot like this. Seriously though this is good. I like how you started with the problem but ended with how it's okay. I do have one question when you said
Did you mean for YOUR smooth voice or was it supposed to be for
- Jade