Every Time

Thanks everyone I appreciate it! These edits/comments are exactly what I was hoping for!

stargazer9927 - If this is in the wrong forum I apologize. I didn't know what to classify this as...so if someone wants to move it that is fine with me.

thestorygirl - I didn't mean for any of this to rhyme and I will get rid of the part in the middle with parenthesis. AND I wrote this more in terms of my sister...it isn't actually how I feel, it is more of how she feels.

tydecker777 - I did mean for this to be choppy. I tried to relate it to the way someone thinks. No one thinks in perfect organized thoughts, so I tried to reflect that in this poem. BUT I will look at maybe changing some of the words so it reads a little more smoothly.

niteowl - Thanks for the help with the commas. I will take most of them out during my edit of this poem. I will also fix my little typo that you pointed out.

Overall, I really liked this poem. However, I found it distracting, the way you had a comma, at the end of each line. See how annoying that last sentence was to read? Well you do that through your whole poem. Take the commas out unless they make grammatical sense.

every time you walk unto view.

I think that the overall idea of this piece was good, but it just didn't have good flow for me. It was choppy, I didn't know if you were going for that or not. But I think the overall feel of it was good, wording changes would make it flow a little better I think. Luck =]

Well isn't that just relatable. If this is how you feel a lot, I'm with you sister. I don't really have anything to say but there is a few things that I should mention.

This pierce of the knife you throw towards me,
spins and twists and turns,
and it jets deeper into my heart.
Eternally making me feel pain,
every time you walk unto view.
I am gaping for breath as I am,
being choked by the slack,
of your thick twine rope.
It is hard to believe you,
could be so violent and ruthless.
Every time I catch myself looking at you,
I know I will regret it,
because then your weapon of choice,
is hurled at me with immense force. Was this ment to rhyme?
You reel me in towards you,
(I know this will end badly,
I know what comes next.) I wouldn't put this down. It looks out of place.
You spit in my face,
"leave me alone you whore."
I know better then to argue,
because I know you will win.
But still I look at you...
even though,
I know what happens,
every time.

Sad poem. But very well written. If there was one thing I want to say it would be it's not really narrative poetry because it kind of tells a story but I think dramatic poetry would be a more appropriate forum.

Great job:)