Her very great-grandfather,
Of wide reknown,
Had a dream.
We all know him from science class,
From his great findings.
Galileo Galilei, her grandfather.
He dreamed about the stars at night,
And how the world went round.
All of his dreaming led to great discoveries.
He fixed the telescope,
And that the Milky Way was made up of millions of stars.
He discovered Jupiter’s moons.
But best of all,
And best known,
Proved that the Earth orbited the Sun.
Galilee Issac,
Also has a dream.
One much like her Grandfather’s.
She dreamed of discovering
How big the Universe was,
How the dinosaurs died, how Earth was formed.
She planned to work for years upon
Her research and her studies.
What she would discover, never could she guess.
Galilee Issac,
Has a dream.
And she will do anything to reach her point of success.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
First of all... it's Galilei. Galileo Galilei. Galilee is, as Ink pointed out, a Biblical city. And I second everything Brad said. Scrap this, try reading some decent poetry, and then try again.
I have to agree that this is more like prose than poetry. You need to use more imagery and other poetic techniques. I don't really care for the context of this poem either but then that's just my personal opinion. I think the best thing for you to do is decide if you want to write a poem or a story. If you want it to be a poem, go and read other poetry and try and integrate some of the writer's techniques into your work but if you want it to be a story just change the format, add a little more description and post it on the other board.
In total agreement with Brad here, and on a somewhat nonsensical note, did you know that Galilee is a city in the Bible?
And you didn't stick with the Galilei thing, either. Kind of dumb since I just basically told you to scrap it, but consistency is always good.
~Ink
Jesise,
This:
"He dreamed about the stars at night,
And how the world went round.
All of his dreaming led to great discoveries."
is enough to trigger the gag reflex in many readers.
This poem as a whole is trying so hard to be precious that it's almost a parody of the genre. The problem lies in the fact that you have a poor understanding of effective repetition (this comes with reading, lots and lots of reading) and this poem is basically prose with linebreaks.
Checking out the Writing Tips section for articles on poetry and craft would benefit you considerably.
Take care,
Brad