Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: It sounds like a pretty interesting piece. Not too much meaning to be taken from it but as a small story it does a decent job. The pacing was a little abrupt there and the flow was slightly broken up in areas but the overall idea works okay. Let me get a bit more specific here.
Let's get right to it,
Regan lay on the mossy ground watching the grey clouds pass over her. She lay in the same position that she had been for hours.
Fairly neutral start....with a little bit of intrigue with the whole why is she laying there for so long?
The wolf gave a quiet yelp and looked behind him at the tree line, there stood Doe, the beautiful white she wolf and her cubs. Doe never went anywhere without Ma and her cubs never went anywhere without Doe.
That last bit sounds like a bit of unnecessary exposition. Not needed for the rest of the story in anyway nor does it help us understand anything so I'm not sure why that's there. This would all be totally fine without it.
Wolf yipped for her to be quiet but Regan was panicking now, she had never gone more than a day without Ma, she could find food well enough for herself but never enough and what she did get was usually just berries and nuts she found.
This also took me a couple of reads to figure out that Regan is a human....could be me just being dumb but maybe it a little clearer at the start that this is in fact an actual human.
Regan yelled at the top of her voice but to no avail, Ma wasn’t there and it was unlikely she ever would be again.
Jumping to conclusions there. How does she come up with that straightaway?
It took nearly two days for Regan to find the white food cloth her mother always carried; it still held much of the food although the pack had clearly been found by several other creatures.
Bit of an abrupt fast forward there. I think you'd be better off if you used a scene break for it or it just comes outta nowhere.
Still hungry she reached into the pack once more when Wolf growled.
“Yeah and green eyes and… and three fingers on her left hand and…” Regan stopped, she cold see where is was leading, “She’s dead, isn’t she?”
Again jumping to conclusions. She might have just wandered into their camp or something not necessarily found dead.
Regan could tell that he was only offering out of pity for her but she needed the food and a place to sleep in safety would be nice.
This is true.
The camp was huge, tents surrounded a blazing fire in the middle. People worked around the fire making furs for the coming winter and making spears for the fishermen down by the river.
This sounds like a bit rushed there. Either elaborate or bit or just stick to describing the father and that general area instead of quickly jotting down a couple of lines for the whole camp.
Regan looked up at the hulking man above her, “H-hello?” she said feebly.
Sudden fear of this man is sudden. Maybe it show it come over her gradually to make it sound better.
“I got a deer,” Ruck replied s if Regan had disappeared.
I think you mean that he ignored her but the way you phrase it doesn't make too much sense so maybe consider a rephrase there.
“Ruck looked quite annoyed at being forced out of his tent by the girl he had saved from the woods.
'Tis the price of being nice Ruck.
Aaand that's about it.
Overall: The whole death scene was not as emotional as you'd expect it to be. She was only sad for like a second. That doesn't seem very likely so I think you could do soo much more and convey just a bunch more emotion through this and make this just a lot more effective than it currently is. But overall it flowed pretty well except for that one sudden scene change. The language was good. Overall pretty decent job.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254288
Reviews: 4103
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