Young Writers Society

Hi Jericho, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day.

Quick note: Sorry for the unforgivable lateness.

Story: The story is starting to pick up a bit and is starting to get interesting. I like that you decided to introduce some more characters. I still don't really have much to say about the plot since I am still waiting for it to unfold.

Characters: The old characters are starting to take on some new light to them and are starting to become more interesting. You got the emotions across quite well in this chapter. I still feel like you should be including some more information on the main character's back stories because I feel that it would help me connect with them better. I really like the new character Cat. You described how he looked very well and so now he has a bit of a creepy side to him that I like.

Description: You also improved on the description in this chapter, though I think you could expand upon it. I really want to feel what the desert feels like. The harsh evening air, the dry dusty air and the clear starry skies.

Small mistakes: I couldn't find any mistakes in this chapter.

Overall another great chapter and I will be moving onto the next one right away. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.

Your friend, Felistia.

This is Yams here for probably a really really sucky review!

I'd like to point out that I think if Seven wouldn't want to be dumped out of the side of the road she'd be paying more attention to his life story at least. What if he ended up saying like, "Do you hate me?" and she said, "Mhmmm" or something like that. Man, I'm already getting into bad nitpicks with this story. I suck at reviewing.

I'm pretty sure that Page wouldn't want to insult a cop with "scumbag" since it'd be better to control the cop with going along with what he's saying instead of ticking him off so the cop has a biased on Page that he likes Page instead of being rough on him. If anyone saw this cop threatening Page with the knife, wouldn't they report it or something? And then Page is dead. Nobody saw this? I had to skim the other chapters so I don't know if this is the norm in this society, but just asking/seeing.

I'm not really understanding what an "Angel" is, but it reminds me of a fake prophet and it makes me think that Seven will fake being an Angel? Though I'm not quite sure about that.

She apparently can't use the guy but-- he's a cop/lawful person, right? She could manipulate him into doing stuff for her or getting files, anything like that. So I don't see how he couldn't be useful to her?

This is my horrid review, have a great day!

Seriously, lucky me. I jumped back into this story just in time for another section.

I read this a few times so that I'd get a good feel of things for my review. And I'd like to say that I'm ready.

Okay, so there's more to learn here. For one, you've given us something to go off on about Seven and her mother. They don't seem to have a good relationship at all, with how they talk to each other. And I'm questioning just what Seven means when she says, It's like she thought I was her daughter or something. Is this just Seven being all angsty? Or is her mother not related to her at all? What does Seven's family back home know about her little adventure? Do they know at all? The questions, the questions.

And second eyelid? At first, I was confused over this. I pictured her second eyelid as Seven's actual bottom eyelid and didn't find anything abnormal about it. But as I read on, and especially after Seven described how the tears were welling over her second eyelid that I got a picture. So, correct me if I'm wrong, but this second eyelid -- is it an extra fold on the upper eyelid or a fold below/above the bottom eyelid? I don't know if I'm describing this in a way that's understandable. Let me know if you want me to clarify. I'm just trying to get a view in my head so I'm not reading this wrong.

But I find these mutations interesting. Her second eyelid and extra finger; Cat's slit pupils (also, just realizing the possible reason behind his name). These mutations -- I'm making the guess that they're outcomes from the war. Maybe this really was a nuclear war, and these mutations actually are a result of radiation or something of the sort? Or I could be wrong.

Either way, all this talk about mutations makes me want to go play Fallout.

But Seven's mentioned something about others having mutations of their own. I might have missed it somewhere but I'm wondering if BN3 does. Seriously wondering just how these mutations came to be. I should stop calling him that now that his name's been revealed (like Seven has to stop calling him that too--I guess it's pretty hard for old habits to die). Page -- I like it. I actually kind of like him too, with what we've seen of him so far. Despite the circumstances, I'm glad to see he's sticking around for a while longer. (That was probably a bad thing to say, considering they might be in a dire situation, but what the heck.)

I noticed the word Angel being mentioned a few times. I'm wondering if this is a name for humans who don't have mutations. Like everyone wants to be an Angel, because they had no mutations going for them. Curious.

Seven's breakdown really surprised me. I guess it's because I wouldn't expect it from someone like her. But maybe there's more to her story I haven't gotten to yet. Is there a reason she got so shaken up? Something from her past? I say past because she mentions something about remembering people bleeding out from bullets in her kitchen. Maybe that's what shook her up -- remembering that during this situation here. Or maybe her reaction is just normal reaction to a stressful situation and I'm overanalyzing things a bit. But Seven really did do a number on herself -- digging into her head until she was bleeding? It sounds like she bled out a lot, if she's digging all of her fingers in her head until blood fell. Hopefully she receives medical attention over at base. I mean, considering base is somewhere good.

Speaking of base, these new characters -- Cat and Rich. Good guys? Bad guys? Of course I went with bad guys while reading this but then I started thinking that maybe they're not bad and they're actually trying to help or something. Maybe they're the kind of guys that stop people during their treks and give them aid from back at base? Or maybe they're trying to recruit people for some secret plan? Either way, I'm curious to find out more about them, or their base in general.

Writing was as great as always. Thoughts, descriptions, pace -- I loved it. I think the only issues I found were punctuation as I'll point them out for you. As always, feel free to disagree:

I have no clue what something he's asking about. I can see plenty of somethings—dust motes, sand, asphalt, cacti, the silhouettes of stalking desert cats—but somehow, I don't think any of those are in his interests right now. "Nothing, what's wrong?"

I'm sure by now that this guy's trying to hit on me, but—hell, I'm just a teenager, I don't have time to think about boyfriends I can't use.