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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello Jericho, Pretzel here for a review of your work, as was requested by your friend Lareine. Anyways, let's get straight into it, shall we?
A skill that you really enforced here was a hook, because even after reading this two times, I still went like there was a hook beginning and a decent cliffhanger ending. There was one thing that I thought was missing in the police scene, the anticipation of the reader; aka sitting at the edge of my seat with my heart racing because I can't wait to see what has happened next. That didn't really happen to me here, and although that's not quite necessary, that could be a better effect to enforce; to kind of mirror Boyfriend Number Three's own anxiety and worry at coming so close in touch with that supposed "police cruiser".
To be very honest, I did read some of the comments that you have written to previous reviews, so I know that Seven is supposed to a be a selfish character for your writing experience. Though her character obviously wasn't fully developed in that aspect, I still feel like I saw some traces of those selfishness, like for example, the way that she used/manipulated Boyfriend Number Three to drive her on a road trip cross country, only with the intentions of dumping him later on. Even though that might not happen in the unpredicatable plot, the motifs and intentions of Seven already show me a lot about her. But don't worry, it's honestly not enough to scare me away.
I felt like you could go a little bit more in detail about what the police cruisers have done to kill/take away Boyfriend Number Three's family members. You kind of brushed past it, with maybe one sentence, but this is probably the single most thing that still remains a mystery to me at least. I was very intrigued, as I'm pretty sure Seven was also, so maybe you could incorporate some of her nosiness into more of the scene so that the reader gets led to a little bit more information.
The first POV really is working here, for the reason that we can really get a perspective of in Seven's head. You could however, take it even a step further and have her internalized thoughts and think in italics, because I think that there was only one instant in where this has happened, therefore very minimal in letting us know more of her thoughts. It's just, remember to keep in mind that this is Seven's story.
When I read first chapters, I personally prefer the first chapter to kind of outline the clear plot, because then I can feel like I know what is going on a little bit more. The plot that you have here is very vague, because from what I can gather, Seven is going on a road trip to L.A. with this Boyfriend Number Three. I don't really know what she will be doing there, why she is going, her purpose. Purpose is a pretty important aspect of the story in my opinion, and so even if you don't want to straight out flat out tell us about it, we should know the general direction of her line of thought.
Your pacing was on pointe, meaning that it started flat, went up when the police cruisers and then just stayed flat. That's a good model to start with, but then I would caution with the next chapter to start off where you ended, in flat mode, to not show that you waver too much and confuse the reader (note: I haven't read the next chapter, and this is actually meant as a compliment, because few select pieces actually have good pacing)
You don't really need this line, because I think that you have done a great job with showing us that they have a weird way of living but it's still very fascinating. Sometimes, you can just trim things down like this line, and leave the reader with more of a chance to have an active imagination. You built a desert world which most of us know how it looks like, and that's well enough. Plus, Seven hasn't really interacted with any people, so this statement isn't probably completely valid.
Overall, great start to this writing experiment. Thumbs up to you for doing this, and I will definitely be going on to the next chapter and reviewing that, because I really want to catch up. If you have any questions, or if you want me to elaborate on any of the points that I have made, please let me know.
Keep on writing!
Until Next Time,
~Pretzel
Hello! Thank you very much for the review.
The issue is, the narrative is told through Seven's eyes, and while Seven is nervous, she's more upset by how quickly things changed rather than the implications of being hunted by a gang. It wouldn't make sense for the narrative to mirror BNT's nerves and aggression when it's being told by his passenger-seat girlfriend right now.But...Seven isn't a nosy person, character-wise. She's more intent on gaining her goal than worrying about anyone else who happens to get in her way, and caring about BNT would definitely get in her way.
As for the plot and outlining it in Chapter 1, I would have to go into seventeen years of character background to let you know exactly what Seven is doing right now and why she's doing it. It's much simpler for me to start the novel here, where she's on the cusp of making major decisions that will affect her life positively and negatively, and work the character background in as she goes.
Also, this isn't the complete Chapter 1; it's simply the first part out of four. In addition, I am aware of Seven's purpose and know what she's trying to accomplish, so I don't need to dump that all on the reader at once and scare them away (in addition to that seventeen years of backstory you would need to fully understand the plot).
First off, the whole world isn't a desert (which can be hard to get from the very first chapter, so I understand that). The desert is simply a large chunk of the continent of North America due to climate change and nuclear war some five hundred, six hundred years before the beginning of this story. And Seven has interacted with people - just because you don't see it doesn't mean it didn't happen. I didn't start the story with her hitching a ride from people all through the desert, because that would leave me with days to go before her first major decision; as I have it, her first major decision occurs right at the end of Chapter 1.
A lot of Seven's story takes place before the curtain opens, to heighten dramatic tension and irony when it comes time to reveal more of her backstory.
I am glad you enjoyed this, and I hope you will keep reading!
Hey Jericho!
I found your story to be very interesting to say the least, you had a very particular way of writing the story, which initially drew me into the story and encouraged me to read more.
Style of Writing: I think the point of view that you chose was very appropriate to the story, as its always interesting to read stories from the characters point of view. It gives you a better feel and understanding of the character with regards to their opinions, viewpoints, feelings and thoughts. You composed it rather well and it came across as very balanced.
Pace: The pace of your story was very steady, then it quickened in the middle and toward the end, which I did not find to be a negative. It was almost like you were strategically building up the intensity as the action of the chapter progressed and it was more of a gradual buildup. It wasn't too fast and wasn't too slow, so you managed to keep the pace well- great job!
Plot: So far, I can't exactly critique the plot just yet as it felt like this chapter was more focused on introducing characters, rather than the initial plot of the story. So, perhaps in the next couple of chapters, more of the story's initial plot will be revealed. But, from what I could tell, the plot was intriguing and mysterious.
Description: One downside about first person point of view is that a writer could focus the story around the main character's feelings and actions more than the settings or descriptions of surroundings. But, however, you managed to do both using this point of view and I highly commend you for that.
Characters: Although there was not much information given about the main character, Seven, she is already likeable according to my books! You presented her personality quickly through the dialogue between her and Boyfriend Number Three and her thoughts reflected in the chapter, so it was easy for the readers to connect with her or take a liking to her as such.
Dialog: the dialog between the characters was very realistic and natural, which is a positive thing!
All in all, you have done a great job with your story so far, my friend, and I sincerely look forward to the future chapters that you will share!
MissLyricz x
Thank you for your review.
I have little to respond to on this (though I am taking personal notes), except that Seven...well, she isn't much of a likable character come later events. This novel is my experiment in writing a truly selfish protagonist; while she seems nice, especially in the early beginning, her personality will develop as soon as the next couple of parts. "Selfish" doesn't begin to describe it, really. But it is a big relief to know that she's successfully drawing people in to her story without revealing her true nature too early.
Again, thank you very much.
You're welcome!
Oh dear. Well, that's certainly an interesting writing experiment, can't wait to see what you will do with this interesting plot twist!
Hi Jericho, it's Zeus99, and I'm new to the site, but I hope my review helps!
After reading this scene, I'm already hooked. The story sounds like it could be very interesting, and there's plenty more for the reader to find out about the characters and the plot. You're writing is exceptionally great, with great amount of detail strategically placed to give a small intro into its characters and setting. Now I will use Felistia's format to give some more comments.
Story: I didn't find the story confusing at all. I think that this is a classic beginning to some dystopian world, and I think that you have it already set to take the genre in a new direction. I think that you should really look into making the entire story into something original that will catch the attention of the readers and will surprise them in the long run.
Characters: I think you introduced the characters very well. They are very realistic, and I think that's very important in all pieces of writing. As long as you have a very detailed description of the characters for yourself and you stick to it for most of the novel, the characters should be very interesting, connectable, and not confusing in any way (haven't you read those books where the character has like 1000 sides to him/her?). You did a great job with it.
If I could give some suggestions for the continuation of this story, though some of this you may have thought of already, I think that when she does make it to Los Angeles, there should be some kind of surprise waiting for her, one that originally attracts her to the city but eventually causes her to dislike the city.
I have also started to form a connection with Boyfriend Number 3 (I think he's a fascinating character, especially with his motives to get revenge for his brother, and I think it could go such a long way) so I think it would be great if you somehow implement him in the rest of the plot, whether Seven decides to leave him for a moment and he comes back later, or if something makes her not ditch him as soon as they get to California.
Good job Jericho
Thank you for your review; I apologize for my delay in responding.
As for the direction the story is going, I already have that (loosely) planned out. Seven's initial arrival and introduction to LA is almost fully written as of this reply, and I'm hoping to finish writing that part in the next week or so.
As for Boyfriend Number Three...well, I won't spoil anything there.
Again, thank you.
Hi Jericho, Felistia here with a short review on your story.
Story: I am a little confused on what the main plot is. You launched us right into action which is good, but you don't explain the characters names very well so I am a bit confused on whether Boyfriend Number Three is a name or I don't know.
Characters: I didn't get much description on the characters, but they sound interesting and the dialogue they had was pretty good. I got a little back story I think, but again the names weren't very clear.
Description: This is obviously your strong point. The way you described the desert was great, but I think you could fit in some more if you tried. Maybe include some more smells or tastes or sounds.
Over all I liked it, but you need a hook to get readers to come back and maybe explain a few things more vividly like the characters. I will probable come back and review the next chapter when you post it. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thank you for your review.
To explain, this is not the full first chapter, only the first scene. The main plot itself is an undercurrent in the first and second chapter, being the reason why Seven (my main character and narrator) wants to get to Los Angeles so badly. Once she gets there, the plot kicks up, but the last leg of journey there is important because it gives context for her personality and the people around her.
Boyfriend Number Three is not his name (though it may as well be; I use his actual name a total of two times in the chapter itself). It's simply what Seven calls him, because she doesn't find him worth remembering in the long run.
I don't believe I should have to explain my characters' names a total of 1500 words into the story; if you keep reading on as I post, you'll find that everything is clarified in its time. "Explaining" isn't something I do when it comes to my characters, not even in a first-person narration like this; I find it clunky and useless when my readers are intelligent enough to interpret the text on their own. Not to mention, descriptions of my characters would be extremely awkward in my first-person narration, due to the nature of, well, first-person narration.
The plot of this novel is tied more around Seven's personality and how it changes in her desperate attempt to get everything she wants; it isn't so obvious in the first 1500 words, but it becomes more obvious as she moves forward (I hope).
Again, thank you.
Oh okay. I will definitely carry on reading your story