Veik wandered in darkness. Though it wasn’t even dark, it didn’t have a color, no greys or browns of the rock that surrounded him. The “darkness” Veik traveled through seemed more the absence of color, he simply walked through nothing. No light, no dark, everything was simply gone. Veik’s bear feet slapped on the cold ground beneath him, Veik felt along the walls at the rough, wet stone of the small, closed in tunnel. His fingers searched for the thing he could not see, but knew was there. Veik’s thumb ran across a deep, straight groove in the stone, he felt along the groove with both hands to find that it led to an arrow head. Veik sighed in relief as he found that arrow, he wasn’t lost. His deep breath disturbing the still, cold air of the tunnel.
As Veik continued to walk, his hands feeling at the walls, the sound of his tapping feet was joined by that of pick axes and shovels as others mined at the other end of the tunnel. Veik continued to travel though nothing, on and on he walked. Small rocks covered the ground below him, when he’d been younger stepping on those rock had caused cuts on his feet and scolding from Salbeag, but now, at the age of twelve, he simply didn’t feel them anymore. Veik tried squinting up ahead, just to try and see, but it didn’t work against the nothingness. Veik brushed his knotted hair out of his face, he reached his hand back to the wall and felt for another arrow.
Soon Veik stepped out of the tunnel and tripped as the close walls suddenly disappeared around him. Veik listened for the now close sounds of mining, the clanging echoed in the tunnels tight space. Others huffed and moved around him but they were left invisible in the darkness. Veik crawled down onto the ground, his large shirt protecting his knees from the rock, the sound of his suffeling lost to that cracking rock.
Veik searched the tunnel floor until he found the mound of rubble. He reached out and found a lump of rock the size of his head, he then lifted it up in his arms, the rough edges threatened to cut his skin as he held it close so to not drop it. Veik stood up and carefully walked forward, feeling the ground with his toes, swaying to keep the weight of the rock balanced. Soon Veik’s shoulder scraped the tunnel wall. Veik smiled at finding his way back, he shifted the rock to his right arm so that he could feel for arrows with his left. He would search along the wall in short bursts before going back to carrying the rock.
Veik fell into a rhythm, search then carry, over and over he made his way back through the tunnel. His feet continued to echo their crisp slapping sound, his hands continuing their muffled scratch as he fiddled at the walls.
Veik felt along the wall. Nothing. He searched again, still nothing. Veik’s breath quickened, he quickly set down the rock, almost dropping it on his foot. With both hands Veik searched the wall, growing more and more frantic with each moment he found nothing. No sign that he was going the right way. No sign to say he wasn’t lost in the unchanging darkness. The tunnels would gradually curve without you knowing sometimes. So many others were lost so often, going down different tunnels without realising, only to be too far off path to find their way back. It was so dark that Veik could have passed a turn he didn’t even know existed, or gone down a turn he had not known of.
Viek continued his search. Grappling at any nook he could find to see if they led to an arrow head. Veik winced and jerked his hand back as one of the sharp edges cut his finger. An edge. Veik timidly felt back to the spot that had the smallest bit of wet blood, he continued to trace it, careful not to cut himself again. Soon he found the small arrow head. Veik hadn’t realised how fast his heart had been beating until it slowed once again. Calm once more, Veik reached down for the rock, picked it up again, and continued on his way. On and on through nothing, through his home of the mines.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Yo, it's ya boi Radio here again with another review!
I like this because he has to deal with not being able to see, and you wrote that well.
I think there should have been added, between the paragraph where he works himself into a rhythm and the next where he's lost should be something that leads up more? That might be just me but you could add something like:
"Veik's fingers dragged along the hewn wall, coming up short. He frowned into the gloom and traced his steps, leaving the rock behind him as he went. His following attempts at relocating himself were ineffective...." so on so forth
But anyway, this is real good, congrats.
Nice title too ; )
Cheers
Thanks! I am sooo very proud of that title.
Hello,
I'm going to give you some points to work on considering this first page:
- You use the character's name too much for comfort, making the story sound repetitive. It draws the reader from the action through overusing it. Try shifting from him. His tactile sense isn't the only sense he has. Refer to sounds, to smell, to drafts that might make him react in certain ways.
- As mentioned in the above point - make use of all of his senses to better immerse the reader in the scene.
- Don't concentrate too much on a single action or a single feeling.
Example: "His feet slapped on the cold ground beneath him, the sound carrying a slight echo through the tunnels of rough stone. Feeling the stone, making sense of the sharp edges and texture, Veik continued, his search becoming more frantic with time. The sign - it was there somewhere. He knew it, yet could not refrain from fearing that he had lost his bearing. Hands trembled on the cold stone, his fingers scraping along the way. The feeling of the deep, straight grove he searched in the wall, now under his thumb made him stop for a second. With a sigh of relief, Veik raised both his hands searching for the arrow mark to tell him he wasn't lost. And he wasn't."
- Walking on a shirt doesn't particularly protect the knees and it's uncomfortable. Each time you'll move your knees, you'll pull on the shirt. If he is capable of walking with a shirt on, explain how exactly it protects the knees without blocking his movement.
- The purpose of this rock?
- Describe more. Set a tone of panicking.
Example: "Veik felt a surge go through his body, one that came with a dark thought: he was lost. He quickly set down the stone, his hands fumbling in the terror that gripped him, almost dropping it on his feet."
Overall:
Stop using the name so much.
Describe to set the tone or to better tell the reader what your character is experiencing or why or how.
Don't drag the same action over too much - for a page he walks through tunnels, searching for arrows.
Hope this will be of help!
Sharkcat out!
Oh my god! I just realized that I used the older version of this exerpt! Man I'm an idiot. Thanks so much for the critiques, and I think you'll find some of them fixed when I published the CORRECT writing.