Falling

hey this is really good i like how you used short sentences..and the poem speaks for itself
good job!

Like almost everybody else said: WOW! This is really good. It's a fast paced poem and it's pretty deep too. This must mean you look at life from a pretty depressing view but, In a way that's how the world is getting nowdays.

Yes, meter was great.
Words were great.
It was great.

Now, why can't I write like this?
I don't know, but I shall not envy!
*sits in a dark corner trying to be better than you, only to no avail*

I liked your poem it had nice meter, and rhymed, but I think the lines "Pheonix feather, Sprightly elf" are kind of off topic. Maybe you should explain that more? But I thought that the story you were kind of telling with this story was really cool, and the "Pheonix feather, Sprightly elf" part could work well with it with some work.

Hey, I thought that poem was very creative and unique. It is quite good.

despite the many spelling mistakes, it was great. you have a perfect rhythm that is very fun to read aloud, and it also had a point - it wasn't some useless ramblings, as most poems wind up being whether we plan on it or not.
congratulatious.

I loved it! Even though there aren't many words, the emotion comes across really well. From the very beginning I got the feeling of slowly falling as the poem progressed. It's one of those things you can read more than once and still apreciate the second time. Great work!

"Running,
Falling,
Feral gong,
Mistic,
Morbid,
Haunting song. "
That part is definitely my fav.

loved it! very short and snappy but extremely engaging at the same time, your only 14 as well lol!

A very nice quick read. I like the style and how you just use simple words to convey the meaning and feel of the poem. Very nice.

????
Wow, deapness. Thanks...?

Pulling down from the point of what you have fallen, I do admire how the poem showed the speed of decent

yai HOPE so

Yay!! thanks!

Wow. Usually I don't like rhyming poems with one- or two-word lines, but I really liked this a lot! Great job!

hey, sorry to butt in to this little debate, i know it doesnt concern me and should leave it to you guys, but think it is really rude and not even constructive to say you think it would make more sense with more pot. what you need is more imagination. and its okay if you dont like someones poem, but maybe you could say that without being snobby.
okay, im sorry, nobody get all huffy at me, i just wanted to sat that.

Thanks for all the sugestions!

This isn't HP fanfic, though.

There is a point in which one can distinguish between 'stylistic choppiness' and 'choppiness for the sake of being choppy.' You don't want the latter, but this is what you did.

This may make sense with a little more pot, but I don't know what elves and dishes falling have anything to do with each other. The only possible reference between them (and the Phoenix feather) is some kind of connection to Harry Potter, and God help you if it is...

The tunnel image is worthless. Totally worthless. It's trite and the meaning is well-expressed in other ways. So the ending was nothing to jump up and down about.

You go from 'crimpson rivers' to 'futile fight' with no connective in-between. Okay, so you're going for the whole I'm-an-erudite-figure-this-out. As a general rule, this is a bad line of thought, insofar as you have to be well-read to accomplish such a task.

The biggest problem with this piece, however, is its utter lack of cohesiveness. One line does not flow into the next; one image is not connected with the next; nothing is connective. This could be a stylistic endeavor. I suppose you could argue nobody is going to truly 'understand' you (just 'put up' with you), but then if you don't try -- nobody's going to care. And besides, Derridaist 'Grammatology' is a loap of crap anyway.

Is great! Short lines with much meanings. The rythem, rhyming and structure, is what I liked....
It's like telling, with words, about a dark time..

Yay! Keep on!

:p Suposedly the romans said that mars was the god of war of somthing.. I dont know where I learned that though so it might be just one of those fasle facts I picked up on the internet.

I like "Mars is bright" better. But maybe that's just me. Does it have some significance? Anyway, it sounds great in my opinion.

Mars is bright replaced with futile flight.. Better?

I liked reading this. I didn't mind the choppyness of it, because it simply worked. Why it worked here and not other places I've seen, I have no idea, but that doesn't really matter.

I agree that the "Mars light" thing didn't really work very well. But maybe I'm missing some significance of it.

crap. That is seriously amazing. I like how it's kind of choppy, it seems really intense. I like the images of breaking dishes and tunnels and blood in the night. Yeah, great job Jane.

HI JANE!!! WELCOME TO YWS!!!!!!!
AWSOME poem as usual... i love the rythym, the ryhme, the mood of it, everything... great. i would not change anything at all. i didnt know you were into poems, i thought you mostly did stories. wow alot of people responded.. you have way better luck on this site than me (hint hint to anybody reading this!) any way, loved the poem, keep writing!!!

Normally I don't like choppy poems -- they seem... forced. But I really liked this one. I liked the last two lines: "Only tunnel / No more light". I didn't really like "Mars is bright", for some reason it didn't seem to fit.

Otherwise, it was really nicely done.

<3

Angel xx

Well, that was depressing. A little choppy for my tastes, but you did get the point across very well.

Oh, hello again, pricelesslove! Thanks!

That was deep and well paced at the same time. Really good.

Thanks!

I like the flow of this poem! It's good to see someone using short sweet sentences instead of huge, long ones!

Wow, I love the meter of that poem. It is very--I dunno what words to use. Anyway, I love it.