Published July 1, 2005
well.. Um.. Heres my story.. I just edited..
The water was dripping, she didn’t even have a chance to turn off the faucet. Saundra May Jones died, right before turning off the tap.
One potted rose, underneath the drips, was having its roots slowly washed clean of dirt. Saundra may was slumped over the sink. Her eyelids mostly closed, a little color still left in her lined cheeks, a trace of a smile behind wrinkled lips.
The first thing saundra may noticed after dyeing was the warmth of it all. Not hot. She hadn’t gone to hell. Just warmth. She then noticed that she had died.
She saw her body.
Saundra may wasn’t surprised. She was 86 years old. She had been expecting this for quite some time, and was curious about what would happen after it. Honestly this wasn’t what she expected.
Her only regret was that she hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye to her granddaughter Serina. Her son had distanced himself with her over the last twenty years, and her husband, Ivan, was dead long ago. Dear old Ivan, she thought fondly. After all these years she still loved him. Maybe now that she was dead, they could be together.
Saundra May hobbled upstairs. A sad country tune played a mournful serenade off the radio, still on. She felt the urge to play along. Her violin was encased in a curtain of cobwebs, dusty strings of her past were brushed aside by her slightly transparent hand. She pried open the case, and pulled out her violin and bow. A translucent cpoy resided in her hand, and the real one lay nestled in it's case. Her Violen was a ghost too.
She wondered how long she had to be a this way, and how far she could go from her body, and how long until they found her and put her away and cremated her.
So many wonders.
Saundra May carried the violin downstairs but by the time she got back to the kitchen, the song was done, replaced with something more modern.
With a bang that startled Saundra so much that she droped the violen, the door burst open. In came Sirena. She tried to call out. She tried to say, Sirena, Im dead. Don't go downstairs, sweetie. You don't need to see that. But Sirena couldn’t hear her. The violen hit the floor, and melted into it.
“Gram?” Sirena called.
Saundra may went over to her and touched her cheek. She had been wanting to do that for a long time, but seven was too old for that kind of stuff. Sirena shivered. “Gram, you should really turn up the heat. Its cold in here!” Sirena marched over to the thermostat and cranked it up to max.
No, don’t do that. You’ll burn the house down! thought Saundra may. At least I’m already dead.
The furnace was old. Something Ivan had got for them over fifty years ago. Dear old Ivan.
Sirena looked around for her gram for a few more minutes. Thankfully she didn’t go downstairs. She scribbled a not in her kidish, seven year old handwriting.
“Gram, I got something to tell you! love, Rena.”
Sirena propped up the note with a vase, and left. Before she got out the door however, Saundra May smacked a big kiss on her cheek. That's for all those times were gunna miss, She thought.
Sirena left then, Leaving Saundra May in solitude. She sat around for a while, thinking of all the things in this world she was going to leave, and glancing through old photo albums. A small crackling sound awakened her from her memories. She traced it to its source and realized that the furnace was on fire. She sat down, her wispy body not able to move the rocking chair, and watched it burn. It quickly consumed most of the dinning room. Then it worked it’s way downstairs. Saundra may could feel the hot flames licking at her body. She could walk right through them, but her body, downstairs, was being burned. It was sucking her too it. little wisps of her broke off, and hurled themselves downstairs to her body. She floated downstairs too, saw her body being eaten by the flames (a disturbing image, obviously), and tried not to listen. As it burned, Saundra May’s spirit grew dimmer, and dimmer, until it burned out completely. Then Ivan was there, pulling her upwards, and as she flew, her years melted off her until she was young, and dear old Ivan was kissing her for the first time in nearly twenty years.
The house burned to the ground. Her family assumed that she had died in the fire.
They mourned for her in each a different way. Her son bought a bench in a local park in her honor.
Her few friends spent her little savings money she had on a remembrance party.
Sirena picked through the ashes, looking for something she could remember her gram with. She found it. Beneath the twisted metal of a sink, its roots washed free of protecting dirt, was a rose, wilted, but still beautiful.
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139,467 Literary Works • 672,572 Reviews
Wow, you're good Sophini! Critiquing harshly is never rude.
I was hoping someone would go indepth. Thanks for comenting! I still think this is ultimately crap, but you helped me make it better!
I didn’t read the recent story cuz it is in parts but I’ll read it too. This is pretty nice-a different theme from what I generally read. I’m not a pro critique like you but I’ll try my best. Sorry if you find my critiqued writing rude (I didn’t mean to be rude at all):lol
First, you have a problem with capitalizing the surname “May” and since it becomes a common English word it creates quite terrible grammatical errors in the sentences-though it is probably understood by most readers. You haven’t capitalized the name in some places too.
You forgot the apostrophes in the correct place and instead you’ve placed it in the wrong place- it’s another minor mistake but I thought I’d mention it to you:
That's for all those times were gunna miss.
That's for all those times we’re gunna miss
Then it worked it’s way downstairs.
Then it worked its way downstairs.
She tried to say, Sirena, Im dead.
She tried to say, Sirena, I’m dead.
Thirdly, “violin” is spelled this way and not “violen” and u wrote “dyeing” instead of “dying”(which makes the sense of the sentence hilarious).
Here’s 3 more small typing errors u need to correct:
Sirena left then, Leaving Saundra May in solitude.
It was sucking her too it.
…she had to be a this way…
Shouldn’t they be this??
Sirena left then, leaving Saundra May in solitude.
It was sucking her to it.
…she had to be this way…
Few questions sprang to my head while reading this, though I had in my mind that this is only fiction:
Why didn’t Sirena die in the fire-wasn’t she in the house then?
How do you kill a violin (without breaking it)??!! I mean-the violin must have died before becoming a ghost.
You wrote- She had been wanting to do that for a long time, but seven was too old for that kind of stuff.
Do you really think any 7-year granddaughter waits for the moment she can touch the cheek of her ghost granny???? The thought gave me shudders.
Any way-did Sirena touch the ghost or the dead body?
I think the conclusion could have been better (I don’t have any idea to end it -but you have the capability to think a better ending.)
The title too isn’t suitable-I mean the “beautiful” rose is mentioned only twice and the rose-part becomes vague (is it meant to be so?). Hey, don’t be offended cuz these are what I think-this is your story (sorry for echoing your words!).
Here’s some titles I thought of (they probably stink but take a look):
Saundra May Jones (the simplest one)
Death. (Nah…)
Cold Beauty (the rose was dead, right?)
When Saundra May Died (another simple one)
But in all-the story was quite touching and I really felt the melancholy in it. Saundra May was nicely expressed and I like it how you you’ve put in her thoughts and feelings about death-really thoughtful thoughts.
This is actually really old. I'm a little enbarrassed by it now. You people helped me get better than this. It was from when I first joined, like five months ago or somthing.
There are still a few mistakes but apart from that I liked it.
This is pretty good if you're new to writing, try to use the spellchecker on Word before you submit your story it always helps. And read through your story twice before posting, it's what I do so there isn't much people can complain about on spelling.
I agree about it not actually being a story because it seems more like a prologue.
I'll comment on this when I have time.
I just edited. I did my best to replace any punctuation errors.. Tell me if theres a big obvious one I missed...
Im going to do another edit...
It was interesting... I liked it.
I did like the way you started it, though. I don't think I'd change that.
I do agree with Sarah, though; you need to concentrate on your grammar and punctuation. One example:
You stuck a few periods in there where you clearly intended for them to be commas, but that's easily fixed. Try to clean up those sort of things before you post so that people can concentrate on the story rather than the grammar, etc.
"Saundra May was slumped over the sink. Her eyelids were mostly closed, a little color still left in her lined cheeks, a trace of a smile behind wrinkled lips."
Other than that sort of thing, I enjoyed it. It was an interesting short story, and it's always neat to think about what will happen after we die. Good job.
Thanks, Im stilll new at this writeing buisness.. :p I changed a few things, and used your sugestion about the repitition.
Here's an example which might help you:
Instead of saying "The water was was dripping, she didn't even have a chance to turn off the faucet" you might want to say something more along the lines of "The Water was dripping. She didn't have a chance to turn off the faucet because Saudra May Jones would die, right before turning it off."
Remember, this is just my style of writing. For you, it could be different. Adding and revising sentences by themselves can make a whole lot of difference, weather you are adding or shortening. But this is all up to you - you don't have to take my advice.
Thanks
What steps should I take to inprove my sentance structure? Should I try not to put the same word in twice in two sentances? Not say she instead of Saundra May? Help please..
If you want my opinion, I would say that was more like a prologue than an actual story. Not to say that it wasn't good. I think you put a good amount of emotion in it, especially at the part about the violin. However, your sentence structuring that could use some work. Other than that, I think you have something good going.
The story is pretty good, but I felt you could do more with it. It was great the way you started it. I wasn't sure exactly what was going on for the first few paragraphs, but I never got confused. What you need to do now is expand on it so the character starts to have a life of her own. Don't necessarily make the actual story longer, but do some creative research to learn about the life of the characters. Who exactly are they and what are their relationships like? The other thing this needs is for you to really tap into the emotional content of the story. I don't think it really hit me the way it should. Delve into it. Really make sure that you understand how your character feels, and how this will effect the people in her life.
The water was dripping, she didn’t even have a chance to turn off the faucet. Saundra May Jones died, right before turning off the water.
)
RIGHT THERE IS WHERE YOU MADE YOUR MISTAKE
repitition... grr, it was unnessisary in my opinion here.
And I dont' see it fitting that she died at all, doing something she loved or not. I'm sorry it's early but I can't read anymore. Maybe tomorrow.
(Ipromise, sory if it was harsh but it's like nearly 2 am here
Sorry, I dont exell at spelling and grammer. I suck, actualy. It doesn't help that the spell check on my computor is broken, I know its not an excuse. Ill work on it. THANKS FOR POSTING!
The story's very good, but you have several words misspelled and your capitalization is all off. It would be a good idea to edit your stories before posting, as it makes it so much easier for others to read. The easier it is for someone to read, the more likely they are to finish it and comment on it.
Good work, just please, please, please work on your grammar and spelling.
-Sarah
Well.. um.. Thats my story. Pathetic title, i know. coments would be EXTREMELY APRECIATED!!!