Fragile Bones. (Has been shattered)

It's your title that got me to read this in the first place. Very cool title.

”I have found you angel child”, said the man.

oh boy, you're insane!

I'm so super happy for real, so writing that would be easy, in a boring way

I want to write dark stuffs, because it's the opposite of who I am.

But I will think about it, maybe you will see it one day;
"Lil' Pink Bunnies Grand Adventure in the fluffy world of Cuddle"

I tell you what, I'm going to set you a little challenge. Try and write a 500 hundred word story about pink rabbits in a land of fantasy. They cannot die, and they cannot get hurt. No witches or vampires or mental lunatics!

oh my, never expected to get this much feedback

thank you everyone and I will have a little look at some grammars and such and maybe fix it up a bit

this is my first horror story, I think I went in slightly "hardcore"

since I got so much feedback, I will write a follow-up, yay (or something...)

I kind of feel like I should be sharpenning some knives and cackling after reading your story. You definitely hooked me right at the beginning. Prokaryote said everything that I was going to so I just get to shower you with praise in this *begins to shower*

Very creepy...I usually don't read stuff like this. The fact that you got me to read a vampire story at all proves that you're pretty good!

There were a couple grammatical errors, and the "my pretty" bit was a little lame, but other than that, I think this is a very well-witten piece.

Not gonna lie. That really freaked me out. XD But I liked it a lot. Especially the beginning...it really just drew me in. I was just glancing over the homepage and then I just read the first line and couldn't stop. When you started to get gory I got pretty freaked out...but that happens easily for me.

I love the way you portrayed the vampire. Too many stories have been shaped by Buffy and Angel and the whole "Woohoo! Imma be a gewd guy!" thing. It's nice to see a change.

Deleted words indicated by strike-outs; added/modified parts in bold; my commentary in red.

He smiled, a wicked grin that showed no remorse. Slowly he crawled upon the ground, allowing his sharp claws to rip the stone floor open; he left a trail of thick blood after him.

A hissing sound escaped his throat at the smell of pure blood: he had finally caught up to her, the little angel whom he so badly desired to slay and drain.

Her soft cries echoed through the dark hallways, and his grin grew wider as he came closer and closer. He saw her pressing her skinny body against the cold brick wall.

”I have found you, angel child,” said the man.

”Leave me be!” cried the young girl. Leave me be? Seems unrealistic.

He began to laugh madly, throwing his head back and [s]chuckled[/s] chuckling like a madman. Suddenly his face was right in front of hers, his blood red eyes meeting hers. Those two "hers" so close together = bad.

”Feed me,” he said with a husky voice.
With that, [s]said[/s] he took her face between his large, pale hands and kissed her. His fangs [s]taking[/s] took her bottom lip and began to tug, tasting her virgin blood.

She wanted to scream; she wanted to cry; [s]but[/s] yet nothing was heard but [s]only[/s] the growl that escaped from the hollow of his throat.

With one swift movement he ripped her bottom lip off. Her pure blood rained upon his pale face; her eyes [s]grow[/s] grew wide and she began to scream with the little power she had left.

”Yes, scream my pretty.” He laughed and spat out her lip. "My pretty"? Wow, that's cliched.

He still held her face between his cold palms, pressing them hard against her red cheeks. Slowly his hands began to travel back towards her neck.
His index fingers pressed against the upper bones, drawing a long line of blood with his claws; he licked the sweet blood off and smiled at her.

"You taste divine, angel.”

She was crying; her screams had ended; her voice had died along with her spirit. She gave in to him, [s]she[/s] let him torture her.
He placed his hands upon her ribs and carefully, almost [s]tender[/s] tenderly, [s]caressing[/s] caressed them. [s]to[/s] He suddenly thrust his fingers through her skin and [s]take[/s] took ahold of her ribs, pulling them out of her body.

She jerked her back against the wall and tried to scream, but nothing came; tears traveled down her scared face.

He lowered his head and took an [s]intestines[/s] intestine between his teeth and tugged at it; he bit it apart and began to chew on the piece, then he spat it on her face.

"And you used to love me.”

lol thanks a lot

I jsut thought I would make a little joke about quite an horrific tale lol!

oh my, you made me giggle a bit.

I know that it might sound a bit over the top, but this man is so powerful that he actually rips the stone floor open, tough guy huh...

But thanks for the little grammar checks you did, I missed those =(

And this girl isn't really "little" it's just his way of pushing her down, making himself superior over her.

And don't call my boy a peadophile, he's sick, but you know, he has his "charms" (oh boy...) as a vampire he's always a youth

Thanks a lot though, I've read The Immortals, love it

hiya! lets have a look what we have here :

'rip the stone floor open' Do you rip stone? break, scratch?

'front of hers, his blood red eyes meeting hers.' repetition of 'hers' doesn't really work. Try rephrasing the last bit.

'to scream., with' take off the full stop

'tears traveled down her scared face.' I don't know about you, but if my ribs had just been ripped out, I'd be a bit mroe than scared.

Right... erm... VERY gory... I liked the plot, if a little descriptive if you know what I mean... lol.

I liked the writing style, and the ending. I have to say, this vampire person seems like some sort of peadophile. A little girl used to love an old man? OK, its your story lol

The plot is quite something, just be careful not to over exaggerate. Horror isn't just gore remember!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~